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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex time with daughter WWYD/AIBU?

34 replies

Flyinggeese · 06/09/2018 22:59

Hi any advice really appreciated on how to respond to this!

Me and exH have a pretty good relationship in that we can talk about matters to do with our daughter (14) and he has until fairly recently been very involved, having her with him approx once per week and I've had no problems. He has for the past two years had a new partner, and this coincided with him taking up extra work (self employed, semi hobby), meaning his time with Our daughter has reduced, he has her with him overnight less frequently which I've tried to address with him but not pushed too hard as I'm all for a quiet life and things could be worse.

However, he tends to book up his time at weekends or school hols when not working, with going out or maybe a night away and then inform me he can't have our daughter, not making proper joint agreements like we used to.

Anyway, I sent him a a message yesterday reminding him to let me know when he was free at half term so we could make plans.

His partner sent me a message to say she was aware of the text but to say she has secretly booked for them both to go away that week, so he can't have his daughter, and can I please not say anything to spoil the surprise!

AIBU to be fuming? It's really not up to her to book out his time like that in the school holidays? It completely assumes I'm OK with covering the whole hols (I actually would be but the point is we should discuss this stuff!) and disregards his first priority which is surely his daughter?

Ahh! I haven't replied but what would you do?

Thanks.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 06/09/2018 23:12

YANBU but OP....and I say this as the Mother of a 14 year old DD, he's showing you his true colours and she's not going to be naive enough to not notice that her Dad is being so lax...so bugger him!

Stop trying to arrange it....leave it to him and let him be an arsehole if he wants to.

Not sure what you mean by "cover the whole hols" though? Surely at 14 your DD doesn't need babysitting?

She's getting to the age where soon she will make her own arrangements with her Dad. By 16, they're more or less young independent souls and book up their own free time.

Original poster
Flyinggeese · 06/09/2018 23:20

Thanks for the reply! Yep I do agree about the age thing and how babysitting is not needed etc. It's more about making sure we're both organised with, say, booking some time away for the hols and basically making sure that between us we have time off work so she's not on her own for a whole week with nothing planned with either of us. Of course she'll see friends etc.

My dilemma really is how to reply to my ex's partner. I wouldn't dream of booking something which meant a father couldn't see his child in the school hols, without having a proper discussion about it. It's very presumptuous and as I see it, priorities out of whack!

I haven't replied to her at all, and he doesn't know yet of this arrangement she's made. I'm supposed to keep the surprise!

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 06/09/2018 23:24

I think you're right in completely ignoring her message. Did she read the one you sent your ex and then text you from her own phone? I mean...you've already sent him a text asking him to tell you when he's free...does she imagine that if you now don't mention it again, he won't either?

Message him again or call him, since you already have anyway. If she's booked some silly surprise trip without checking with you first, then that's HER problem. Not yours.

It's very annoying that he's got so lax and going by her stupidity, it's probably down to pressure from her which he's bowing to.

TheBigFatMermaid · 06/09/2018 23:27

Reply should be something along the lines of 'Oh, well, shame DD won't get to see her Dad in the hols 'again' but at least this time it is not 'his' decision to neglect to spend time with her. Thanks for letting me know'.

But I am not the most tactful person, so .....

cestlavielife · 06/09/2018 23:30

At 14 your dd can make her own arrangements with her dad.
Just ask her to let you know what the plans are.
She can te xt or email her dad then let you know.
If he s been unreliable you can go ahead and make your own plans.

Original poster
Flyinggeese · 06/09/2018 23:35

Ajas yes that's exactly what happened with messages.

Mermaid : ) tempting! I'm actually really annoyed. Going to sleep on it otherwise I'll say the wrong thing, but really can't let this go.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 06/09/2018 23:36

What kind of childcare does a 14 year old require?

Can she stay with you and her dad goes away with his partner? Can you arrange for her to go the following week instead and swap? If so, let it be. Then you take time for yourself.

Original poster
Flyinggeese · 06/09/2018 23:40

cestlavie I think I'm just upset that yet again he's just swanning off and not doing any actual parenting.

OP posts:
EachPeachPearRum · 06/09/2018 23:42

You can't force him to parent and if he doesn't push the issue I'd let it lie. But if your daughter asks I'd direct her to the girlfriend and let her do the explaining.

cestlavielife · 06/09/2018 23:52

Yep. You can rightly feel annoyed.
But it s not your issue...of course you will have to support dd if she is upset but you can't dictate what your ex does. You can't make him be more responsible. He has already checked out and dropped dd it seems. But... you are under no obligation to keep the gf s surprise secret.... e.g. tell dd what you planning for half term and if she says oh I am hoping to see dad to do xxxx you can tell her what the gf has said. So she is prepared.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/09/2018 23:57

My oatentsvare divorced and at 14 (even without mobilez) I arranged my meet ups with dad on my own. I just had to let her know. I wonder if maybe thos would be a way of making him step up. If his daughter herself is texting asking when she is seeing him would he really ignore her?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/09/2018 00:03

Sorry I pressed post to soon.

I think if you reply with something stroppy it's not going to get back to him anyway she will just have a little giggle at the ex wife. Does one of them work in a school? If not then I would imagine the date she chose was carefully planned to have maximum impact on his relationship with his daughter as she is jealous. Don't play the game. Just ignore her and deal directly with him only. I would just let the October thing go though and book a couple of days off yourself. At this age she knows if he is letting her down.

Original poster
Flyinggeese · 07/09/2018 00:20

Thanks everyone, some words of wisdom and very measured responses here. Appreciated.

OP posts:
MustShowDH · 07/09/2018 00:22

Text her with:

OK. Here are the future school holiday dates, so this doesn't happen again. I know EXDH will be gutted to be missing out on spending time with DD again. Shame you had to pay a premium for a school holiday time break too!

Original poster
Flyinggeese · 07/09/2018 00:23

Think I'll just not respond at all to her and see what he says nearer the time. Either way I'll let it go, agree I can't make him step up and his partner is definitely in the wrong but I don't want to start a dialogue with her separately. I'll keep all parenting conversations just me and ex. Argh!

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 07/09/2018 00:28

I agree that encouraging DD to call him and arrange things herself might be the best thing now.

BUT I would let him know that's what happening. Tell him asap that from now on DD will call him and he can call her to work things out.

pallisers · 07/09/2018 00:29

I think not responding is the best.

That said, I'd probably text back saying "no problem - as long as you are sure that missing contact with his daughter will be a good surprise"

If I was a non resident parent and my boyfriend organised a week away that meant I wouldn't see my 14 year old for the time I was expecting to see her, I'd go mental.

cloudsrainsun · 07/09/2018 00:47

I'm sorry but I don't see the problem. Your daughter is old enough to not need any childcare to be arranged and is old enough to contact her father herself. The gf booked a holiday as a surprise what is wrong with that? You sound a bit bitter tbh.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/09/2018 00:50

The gf booked a holiday as a surprise what is wrong with that? You sound a bit bitter tbh.

She could have booked it for any week but she booked it for a week he would normally spend extra time with his daughter? That's not a coincidence.

Cawfee · 07/09/2018 03:17

Don’t respond and don’t start WW3 over it. Really not worth it as she doesn’t need childcare. Get her a cheap phone so she can start making her own arrangements with your ex. Time for you to step out of it. She’s not a baby anymore so it doesn’t really need all of this intense organising and involvement from you. From now, unless there’s an issue with maintenance etc you don’t really need to have anymore conversations with him at all. Sounds to me that you are still a bit in the “she needs close attention” stage. Time to move past it all. Have no more contact with either of them. Let your daughter do it herself.

Coyoacan · 07/09/2018 04:52

Mmm, my ex was not an exemplary father by any means, but when my dd was fourteen he had a girlfriend who was jealous of everyone, including his daughters.

Best to let your dd make the arrangements and be there to comfort her when he lets her down, but try not to say anything against him either.

Tartsamazeballs · 07/09/2018 05:45

I'd deliberately misunderstand and ask where they're going, what clothes DD would need and if I'd need to sort out her passport, after all, it's their time together Grin

Sofabitch · 07/09/2018 05:59

I'd also go with the oh lovely. Your taking DD away for half term. What a great bonding experiance for you all.

But seriously. She's 14 leave her to sort it out with her dad. If he shows her who he is then it's up to her to see it.

Charley50 · 07/09/2018 06:40

Does one of them work in a school or college? As otherwise it would be a bit mad to book a holiday that week?

Original poster
Flyinggeese · 07/09/2018 08:52

Yes one of them works in a college. It's the lack of communication / basic courtesy of just liaising and making plans for the hol between us. Seems I'm in the minority here but I do think 14 is a little young to be in charge of school holiday plans. that's something I think parents should co ordinate to some extent.

I feel put upon I suppose that yet again, I'm the default, responsible one while he swans off.

OP posts:
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