Ex time with daughter WWYD/AIBU?

[Flyinggeese]

Hi any advice really appreciated on how to respond to this!

Me and exH have a pretty good relationship in that we can talk about matters to do with our daughter (14) and he has until fairly recently been very involved, having her with him approx once per week and I've had no problems. He has for the past two years had a new partner, and this coincided with him taking up extra work (self employed, semi hobby), meaning his time with Our daughter has reduced, he has her with him overnight less frequently which I've tried to address with him but not pushed too hard as I'm all for a quiet life and things could be worse.

However, he tends to book up his time at weekends or school hols when not working, with going out or maybe a night away and then inform me he can't have our daughter, not making proper joint agreements like we used to.

Anyway, I sent him a a message yesterday reminding him to let me know when he was free at half term so we could make plans.

His partner sent me a message to say she was aware of the text but to say she has secretly booked for them both to go away that week, so he can't have his daughter, and can I please not say anything to spoil the surprise!

AIBU to be fuming? It's really not up to her to book out his time like that in the school holidays? It completely assumes I'm OK with covering the whole hols (I actually would be but the point is we should discuss this stuff!) and disregards his first priority which is surely his daughter?

Ahh! I haven't replied but what would you do?

Thanks.

I actually think yabu about the gf. He constantly cancels and prioritises his nights out/weekends/hobby over his child. You never say anything for a quiet life and ye rub along nicely. Both of your past behaviour, his not giving a shit and your acceptance of it have told her ye are both fine with things as they are (/him doing what he likes). She thought she was doing a nice thing, don't ignore it or send her a shitty message. Should she have done it? No, but surely if you think about it you can see why she thought it would be ok.

Your dd is 14, old enough to mind herself, you didn't care for a quiet life all along, you only care now because the gf got involved

I think I'd be tempted to message back "Oh, no, won't he be as disappointed as DD not to spend time with her?"

I'd respond 'that's fine I won't ask him again but if he gives me dates to see his daughter you will have to tell him he can't have her'

It's a mixture of polite but unimpressed.

I don’t understand this 14 year olds don’t need any sort of care in the holidays. I have a 14 year old and do leave her to do her own thing mostly but we have 2 weeks holidays from school in October are you all saying she should be left entirely to her own devices from 8-6 everyday? I think that’s asking for trouble tbh.

They may not need care as such but they need to not be neglected as well ie can't be left on their own in the house while Dad and GF swanny off.

I think I would message back and ask her to confirm the plans for DD who was meant to be with her Father that week.

LooksBetter well my 14 year old is alone whilst her Dad and I work during the holidays. She tells us her plans for the day and we approve them.

Usually she meets up with her friends locally and spends time shopping or hanging out at one of their houses. We're also in touch with the friends' parents' so can get messaged if the kids' plans change.

Then at about 5 when I get home, DD heads back home either alone or with a friend or two.

Obviously we have some time off sometimes...for breaks or days out.

Agree with the polite but unimpressed tone.

Don't just ignore, or she'll think it's ok to do stuff like this again.
That you'll always be there, so she and your ExH don't have to worry about it.

Perhaps ask whether she'd considered he might want to see his DD.

It's probably too late for this holiday, tbh. But definitely worth making it clear it's not acceptable in future.

I'm the default, responsible one while he swans off.

Sounds like that is the reality of your situation. Your dd will understand this. It's wrong that her father lets her down, but all the more reason why she needs you.

I think you are right not to reply and keep all parenting conversations between you and exh.

Has your dd maybe stopped wanting to see her dad so much anyway? Just asking as my DS is 14 and doesn't want to go to his dads (or spend time with me at home actually!).

I wouldn't be mean to his gf. She probably just didn't think it would be a big deal. It's a positive that she finds you approachable.