AIBU to get the rage when people Monologue at me?

[ShadyLady53]

Just that really? For the love of all that is good and holy can someone tell me their tips on how to deal with people who just go on and on at you? I’ve got one of those faces and people just seem to approach me out of nowhere and give me their life story. People say “she’s such a lovely girl” about me like I’m Mary Sunshine but, honestly, on the inside I’m starting to feel like a complete bitch cos while they are talking at me I’m just thinking “shut up shut up shut up” or “I don’t care”. I know I sound light hearted but, actually, I am beginning to feel like a horrible person and it’s affecting how I see myself. I think I’m just really burnt out and need to conserve my energy so I can give it to my work and the people who really matter to me in life but I seem to get people latching on to me and sucking all the energy out of me.

I’ve got a specific problem with one man who has started calling me and talking at me with no chance to get a word in edgeways. He also does this in real life and has an awful habit of telling me the entire contents of books that he has read, that I have also read but he still feels the need to mansplain all over again to me.We occasionally volunteer at the same place and I (stupidly) agreed to help him with a project. I am a freelancer and also teach on a degree course and at the moment I am working constantly with no time off and very stressed. He is aware of this. He emails to ask when he can call to discuss the project and today I made it clear I was going out with family and I’m very stressed and I could only chat very briefly. He spoke, non stop, for 20 minutes about himself, his holidays, his views on the world before I was able to say anything. I know exactly what the weather was like on every drive he was on and what the walls were decorated with in each room of the house he was staying in. I know all about the little steam train trip he took. None of this was about the project and I know this sounds so horrible but...I don’t care. I didn’t ask for this information. The time before this he was on the phone to me for almost an hour, pontificating at me, giving me all of his philosophy on life and laughing at his own jokes etc. I was so bored I genuinely wanted to cry. He doesn’t stop, just goes from one subject to another and he’s so passionate and enthusiastic about it all which makes me feel like a complete bitch when I don’t care. I just want him to get to the point so I can get on with everything else I need to do.

This evening I had to say, “look, i don’t mean to be rude but we are about to have our next course, please can you tell me what it was you needed to know?”. It turned out to be something that needed a one word answer and that could have easily been dealt with via email and he seemed shocked that I wanted to end the conversation once I had given him the information.

Before anyone asks he is neurotypical and there is no chance of him “being on the spectrum” or having an additional need. We’re both in our 30s, have known each other for a few years and imo we are very different with not much in common. I think he’d realise that if he gave me a chance to be myself. I’m quite confident but around him have no room to be myself. I’m reduced to just saying “mmhmmm, yeah, right, I know, great...” etc.

I just feel so sick of being talked at. It makes me feel totally invisible and like it’s perfectly acceptable to just offload on me and take up my time.

Trouble is I can’t work out if I’m just being really nasty and unreasonable or if I have a fair point. I also don’t know how to make it stop!

Have I just got to suck it up and accept it?

I stood there because I couldn’t exactly push her out the way. I was exiting a doorway as she was entering!

Don't engage with their chat at all. Don't comment on why they are asking you. Say "Excuse me, I really need to get past." And then edge around them, if there's no other option.
If it's impossible to edge past, step back so they have to come forward, then make your move.

I stood there because I couldn’t exactly push her out the way. I was exiting a doorway as she was entering!

But did you say “excuse me”, “please let me through” or even “move out of my way” ? Or did you just stand there letting her talk at you?

I don’t want you to think I’m being nit picky. I really want to help because it sounds to me that you are feeling helpless in the face of people with poor social skills.

But you aren’t helpless, you just aren’t taking and if the perfectly polite actions available to you because you are worried about being rude, or looking rude.

You can say anything you like to anyone if you say it politely, calmly and firmly. But you do need to say it.

The meal situation was silly. It sounds as though he called at the wrong time if he called during the meal and talking to people about non urgent stuff to the people you are having a meal with is rude. It sounds as though you were more afraid of being rude to him on the phone than being rude to your family who were actually there.
Learning to interrupt people and end conversations is part of being an excellent communicator. You sound good at listening or appearing to listen and less good at steering and ending conversations.
It sounds as though you should just have told him you were busy that night and avoided all phone calls if you can't end calls. You have to interrupt monologuers, the normal rules of polite conversation don't apply. I think if you aren't interested in him emotionally and sexually you maybe should withdraw any way if you think he's making excuses to have contact with you.

It's your time, you don't owe anyone any explanations.
" I have to go now"
" I can't stop"
"Excuse me please, I just need get past you"
You don't even have to say sorry first, unless you want to!

Quite a lot of people do this, even friends. Sometimes its quite entertaining with friends, but sometimes I've wondered have they the slightest interest in me . I can only listen for a while and then I start to feel the need to get away, so I now try and make sure I can ... e.g. i don't go on holiday with them or commit to more than one day together.

P.S. I'm not precious about it - sometimes a chat with a stranger at a bus stop can be fine. "Little old ladies" often have a wry and interesting view of the world and haven't got the energy to waste talking crap.

Please give specific examples of how to actively guide a conversation when someone is talking at you and doesn’t give any pause for breath, even.

You have to internally decide you are not responsible for these people, or their self esteem. Some people are radiators, some are drains. Choose not to give the drains your precious time, they aren’t your responsibility.

You need to be assertive, not aggressive, but put your own needs first.

So, endless monologue is running:

You: John

[monologue]

You (more assertively): JOHN. Forgive me but I must go. Lovely chatting but we’ll have to pick this up another time. Speak soon [hang up]

Or in person: John, thanks for telling me about that [or other brief platitude]. I’ve got a few other people I need to chat to/a few other things to do before I leave so I’ll have to excuse myself now [walk off].

With random rambling strangers and old ladies you could try:

How interesting! Lovely to meet you but I must go. Goodbye [walk off]

Or the more draining strangers:

I really can’t help you with that, goodbye [walk off]

Polite, firm, no room to come back with more chat!

Nona I did say a few times “Can I get past, I’m in a rush.” and eventually the only way I managed to get out was by edging out and even then she followed me until she realised I was completely ignoring her.

I didn’t make it clear but the family meal was already over (and in my house), I did actually lie about the next course being on its way and my family knew I had to take a quick phone call and were happy amongst themselves until they’d pass through the kitchen and see he was wittering on at me whilst I was washing the dishes.

I think in future, i’ll just use the broken record technique and keep repeating a certain phrase and then, if I can, just leave/hang up.

2rebecca no I’m not at all interested in him emotionally or sexually. There’s another similar guy at the same place and a lady who is problematic. She does things like book play tickets on her credit card for us all to go to without asking and then if you can’t go (or don’t want to) she moans about being out of pocket and how everyone is so negative, completely ignoring the fact that we were never consulted about it in the first place and that people’s tastes differ. I think I’ve outgrown the place and need to move on and focus on what’s really important to me. It’s not really all that enjoyable helping out there any more. I’ve turned down an offer of something involving these people for the New Year and I think I’m just going to give them a wide berth as it’s too much drama and we don’t have much in common.

Thanks for the help everyone. Got to get on with work now as it’s a busy few days .

I think sometimes people who are used to socialising with noisy talkative people who just interrupt each other and talk over each other are rubbish at having what I see as more normal taking turns conversations. You see this in the media a lot. I tend to avoid these people as I don't like talking to feel like a power struggle.
I suspect you smile and make eye contact with strangers more than I do.

TiredPony has put it better than I could.

And if in person you feel it's "too much" to just say their name over and over until they stop (I wouldn't) you can just gently raise a hand like you're stopping traffic, hold it there until they look at it, and even (if appropriate) softly touch their arm once to get their attention.

Like the woman in the doorway: your only other option wasn't shoving her roughly from your path, but you could have very quickly squeezed around her or gently put a hand on her shoulder/upper arm to get past her. There are ways to stop people that can (again, in appropriate situations) still feel gentle.

Or with doorway woman you move back away from the doorway and say "can you come through please so I can get past". It sounds as though you're maybe with a group of dysfunctional communicators going by what you've described and you maybe do need to find a group of easier people to chat to who have better social skills.

That doorway woman sounds absolutely terrifying. One day someone might panic and push her over to get through the door.