AIBU to get the rage when people Monologue at me?

[ShadyLady53]

Just that really? For the love of all that is good and holy can someone tell me their tips on how to deal with people who just go on and on at you? I’ve got one of those faces and people just seem to approach me out of nowhere and give me their life story. People say “she’s such a lovely girl” about me like I’m Mary Sunshine but, honestly, on the inside I’m starting to feel like a complete bitch cos while they are talking at me I’m just thinking “shut up shut up shut up” or “I don’t care”. I know I sound light hearted but, actually, I am beginning to feel like a horrible person and it’s affecting how I see myself. I think I’m just really burnt out and need to conserve my energy so I can give it to my work and the people who really matter to me in life but I seem to get people latching on to me and sucking all the energy out of me.

I’ve got a specific problem with one man who has started calling me and talking at me with no chance to get a word in edgeways. He also does this in real life and has an awful habit of telling me the entire contents of books that he has read, that I have also read but he still feels the need to mansplain all over again to me.We occasionally volunteer at the same place and I (stupidly) agreed to help him with a project. I am a freelancer and also teach on a degree course and at the moment I am working constantly with no time off and very stressed. He is aware of this. He emails to ask when he can call to discuss the project and today I made it clear I was going out with family and I’m very stressed and I could only chat very briefly. He spoke, non stop, for 20 minutes about himself, his holidays, his views on the world before I was able to say anything. I know exactly what the weather was like on every drive he was on and what the walls were decorated with in each room of the house he was staying in. I know all about the little steam train trip he took. None of this was about the project and I know this sounds so horrible but...I don’t care. I didn’t ask for this information. The time before this he was on the phone to me for almost an hour, pontificating at me, giving me all of his philosophy on life and laughing at his own jokes etc. I was so bored I genuinely wanted to cry. He doesn’t stop, just goes from one subject to another and he’s so passionate and enthusiastic about it all which makes me feel like a complete bitch when I don’t care. I just want him to get to the point so I can get on with everything else I need to do.

This evening I had to say, “look, i don’t mean to be rude but we are about to have our next course, please can you tell me what it was you needed to know?”. It turned out to be something that needed a one word answer and that could have easily been dealt with via email and he seemed shocked that I wanted to end the conversation once I had given him the information.

Before anyone asks he is neurotypical and there is no chance of him “being on the spectrum” or having an additional need. We’re both in our 30s, have known each other for a few years and imo we are very different with not much in common. I think he’d realise that if he gave me a chance to be myself. I’m quite confident but around him have no room to be myself. I’m reduced to just saying “mmhmmm, yeah, right, I know, great...” etc.

I just feel so sick of being talked at. It makes me feel totally invisible and like it’s perfectly acceptable to just offload on me and take up my time.

Trouble is I can’t work out if I’m just being really nasty and unreasonable or if I have a fair point. I also don’t know how to make it stop!

Have I just got to suck it up and accept it?

OP, my sympathies, I can't stand this sort of thing and being a quiet introvert, I seem to be a magnet for monologues too. I stand there, listening whilst trying to plan my escape, or switch off totally and start planning what to have for dinner. Or planning how I can get the earth to open up and swallow me. It is a form of torture!

Check out the Captain Awkward website/blog that advises people on scripts to use in tricky social situations. There may well be something like your situation in their archives, or you could send your exact post to the site asking for suggestions.

I find it infinitely easier to respond in writing rather than conversation as I can stay on topic and consider my responses. I never answer my phone and always let it go to voice mail so I don't get ambushed by "talkers". Can you block the person on your phone and say that for whatever reason (make something up) you are only responding by email/text messages atm?

Good luck! I'll be reading all the responses for more ideas.

He's not going to change his behaviour so I'd just limit how much time I spent with him.

Hang up and put your phone onto “Do not disturb” mode. It will send all calls to voicemail. Tell him your battery died. Tell him you have no intention of getting a new phone until your contract expires and he’s going to have to get used to calls of two minutes or less.

You could be really cheeky and answer the phone and then just leave it in the side as he monologues into thin air.
You do have to get past feeling bad about the fact that in order to stop the monologues you're going to have to be firm and may come across as less than pleasant, even a little rude!
He's being rude by being so selfish. All you're doing is asking him to stop being rude.

‘Got to stop you there - I’m exhausted and can’t take a word in. I’m going to get back to my family dinner. Bye’

If this is a recurring problem you’re obviously giving off ‘I’m interested’ vibes!

If this is a recurring problem you’re obviously giving off ‘I’m interested’ vibes!

Giving off 'listening target' vibes more like - people like the op describes are more interested in their own voice than in anything else!

Thanks everyone,

To a pp who asked if it’s only men I allow to ramble on at me - no it’s most commonly women who do it, especially little old ladies who I can’t bring myself to be rude to!

I think the thing with this man is that I’d tend to put this behaviour with a man who is pompous and arrogant and full of himself but he’s the exact opposite.

He’s got extremely low self esteem and I get the sense, when we’ve been in the same room and he’s been talking at me, that he’s ever so proud that he’s been able to have this long, super interesting conversation. It’s as if it’s a massive achievement for him. I actually find it easier to deal with it in person because it’s obvious from my body language and tone that I’m bored stiff and I tend to wait for a moment when he’s not looking directly at me (his eye contact can be intense) and I walk off and say “sorry needed the loo/ I’m parched and need a cup of tea.” etc then stay away from him as much as possible. On the phone, he can’t see me and all I’ve got is my tone, which I thought was horrible last night but obviously wasn’t.
I was extremely curt and felt them “mmms” and “yups” were coming across as sarcastic because I was SO pissed off. Maybe I’m overestimating his ability to read people and I’m also taking on guilt that I don’t need to. I think he’s trying to come up with these “projects” as an excuse for forcing a friendship but I don’t enjoy his company and that’s that.

The project will be over at the end of the month and I don’t have to see him in person. No doubt I’ll get another call but I’ll just do what’s been suggested here, “Hi John, bit tied up at the moment so I’ve only got a minute. What is it you want?”

“I was extremely curt and felt them “mmms” and “yups” were coming across as sarcastic because I was SO pissed off.”

But in that case you are being passive aggressive. It might be worth examining why you think it’s more polite to be curt and sarcastic, than upfront and direct.

I think it's so important to teach kids how to have a conversation. It obviously doesn't come naturally to everyone and it must be so hard to get out of the habit of monologuing as an adult.

I think it's so important to teach kids how to have a conversation. It obviously doesn't come naturally to everyone

I agree with this Snuggy but I would say the OP clearly doesn’t really understand how to have a conversation either.

Discourse takes two.

From her own examples she doesn’t have effective conversations with him face to face either.

You don’t just have to accept that oath of a conversation as set by someone else. You have to do some work yourself to manage it and steer it where you need it to go.

Walking off, using body language to express boredom, using a curt tone, these are all passive aggressive and crucially not very effective.

Actively managing the conversation in your part would be far less rude and far less hurtful.

I really don’t think there’s any problem with answering the phone saying “I’ve got x,y,z to do, so gotta be quick. What can I help you with?” It’s not rude at all.

I don’t have problems conversing with anyone else! Just monologuers. I’m always praised in supervision for having “excellent communication skills” and “having a really lovely way about you”. In the case of walking off, it was my only 20 min break and I was genuinely about to wet myself and the other time I hadn’t had a chance to eat after work and desperately needed a cup of tea. He never shows any sign of being hurt and he’s obviously not bothered because he keeps coming back for more.

Please give specific examples of how to actively guide a conversation when someone is talking at you and doesn’t give any pause for breath, even.

I think you need to manage to conversation from the start.

Ie:

“Oh hello X, I’ve only got 20 mins for my break and I must pop to the loo then make a cup of tea/eat lunch. Hopefully catch up with you later.”

Email reply:

“Hope all is well with you. I’m not going to have time for a phone call this week - I'm so busy! E-mail me your questions and I’ll have a look when I get a chance.”

Or if you do want the phone call. Email reply:

“I only have time for a 5 min phone. What are your queries and I’ll get the info needed ready for the call” then if they’re easy like the one that was a one word answer to you can just email back with the answer and something like “oh that worked out well - saved us both time!”

No one would think you’re being difficult if you did any of those things.

And say, 'right that is our five minutes up, I have to go now,' and go or put the phone down.
Start your conversation with I have five mins and then you can say that the time is up.
I also don't think telling a little old lady, that you have to go now, it has been lovely to chat, but I have to go back to work now, is OK.
It is not rude, it is assertive, sounds like you need assertiveness training.

sounds like you need assertiveness training.

Yep, certainly couldn’t help

Hurt not help!

I've known people like this and they are a pain in the neck. They take no notice of signals that you're giving out. In fact, I feel you could be anyone, just as long as you listen and say nothing.

I would stop answering calls to him. "I've got guests here, please just email any query and I'll deal with it when I have a minute" might work - but really, you've had enough calls from him. Tell him you're not free for any more.

Please give specific examples of how to actively guide a conversation when someone is talking at you and doesn’t give any pause for breath, even.

It’s actually fairly simple. You use their name.

You say “John, John, John”
Quite forcefully until they halt their flow. Then you say something positive (or at least neutral) eg “that’s absolute right” or “that’s really interesting” and then you take the conversation where you want it to go.

So that might be ending it, or it might be pulling it back in course.

Eg:

John, John, John
That’s great
Let’s agree you do xyz and we’ll pick up again next week

Or

John, John, John
Sounds like a great holiday
I have to get going now, why don’t you email me with xyz

Or

John, John, John
That’s interesting
What I really need to tell you is xyz

I quite agree OP. On separate occasions recently I have met two people I haven’t seen for ages - one for months and one for years. In each case we used to be friends but drifted apart. Both spent the whole time monolguing about themselves. I now know so much about their lives since we last met that I could write their biographies! All they know that’s new about me is that DS has a new job. Not that I particularly wanted to talk that much about myself but I wasn’t given the chance!

Grr!

OP I agree with the others that you need to actively manage this

If several people do this to you, then YOU are the common denominator here

It’s not normal to stand there about to wet yourself. Simply interrupt and excuse yourself. You can do it 👍

I DO think it is ok to tell an old lady..........

I don't think it is rude to tell them you have to go now.
I DO think old ladies who witter on about nothing are rude.

I have once or twice just hung up the phone mid chat and turned it off. Then a few mins later turned it back on and texted to say ‘sorry, battery ran out! Heading out now anyway’.

Thanks. He’s the only person I’m in regular contact who does it. In my email I said “I am having a family dinner tonight so can only talk for a couple of minutes at x time.” When he called he said “Hello shadylady, how are you?!” and I said “Hi John, I’m very stressed actually. I can only talk very briefly.” He then started commenting about my stress, my job etc etc and eventually segued into his holiday/summer etc. After some time (and my family shouting “just hang up!” “Ffs tell him to get lost”), he took a slight pause and I said “look, John, we are about to move on to our next course. What exactly were you calling about?” and he seemed absolutely stunned. I see my error was in not just talking over him and interrupting him sooner.

The little old ladies tend to just approach me out of nowhere in public. I do not know them. It happened the other day at the hospital coffee shop. The lady in front started talking at me in the queue and then her and her family members all came and sat at the table next to me and my relative and kept talking to us. I’ve had a total stranger stop me as I was exiting a doorway and give me a compliment and then proceed to tell me all about her marriage problems and ask what I thought she should do about it. I kept repeating “I don’t know. I’m not sure why you are asking me, I don’t know you. I’m actually on my way out.”

My colleagues think it’s hysterical and didn’t actually believe I wasn’t “doing” anything to encourage it until the exact same thing happened to two of them. They were both completely blindsided and one said “I don’t know how the 🤬 you put up with that on a regular basis.”

Hideandgo, that’s genius. I’m stealing that.

I kept repeating “I don’t know. I’m not sure why you are asking me, I don’t know you. I’m actually on my way out.”

But why stand there? Why not just excuse yourself and walk away?

It’s not appropriate to ask a stranger in the street about your marriage difficulties- so don’t respond as it it was. Walk away.

In your example of John being “stunned” that you interrupted him. That’s fine. He’s allowed to be surprised when someone calls him on his bad behaviour.

Keep doing it and he’ll learn.

Be polite, be kind, don’t be a doormat.