To wonder how to sort this issue re DD's school friendship

[ViolettaPink]

DD is 10 and has just started year 6 this week.

On her first day in reception she became best friends with a girl, I'll call her Daisy for the purpose of this thread. She and Daisy were inseparable most of the time until towards the end of year 4, when DD started to get a little fed up with Daisy.

To cut a long story short, Daisy is very, very spoilt! Her parents, and grandparents who look after her a lot too, all indulge her a lot and she is never every told 'No' or told off. She hits her mum and dad, and kicks off big time with anyone who won't give her her own way, whether this is with her parents, with her schoolfriends or even to teachers at school if she doesn't want to do a particular work task or doesn't fancy doing PE that day, or whatever. DD has said that Daisy creates quite a scene at school whenever anything does not go her way.

DD has got more and more fed up with this behaviour, and also of Daisy wanting her to herself all the time. Over the past year DD made more of an effort to spend time with, and play with other children, which hasn't gone down well with Daisy, obviously. I have had long chats with DD about it and stressed that it is important to be polite and kind to Daisy, however she is free to play with who she wants. She tries to get Daisy to join in with playing with other kids with her but Daisy refuses.

I am friends with Daisy's mum, and about halfway through the last school year she mentioned to me a few times that the girls weren't as close anymore and that Daisy was upset about it. I said that IME (I have older DC) children's friendships do change a lot at around that age, and that they often change who they are hanging around with at times, or broaden their friendship circle. I said too that Daisy didn't seem too keen to play in groups with other kids too and she said that Daisy just wants to play with DD.

Over the course of the summer holiday DD spent time with a big selection of different friends at our house and their houses, and out of politeness/obligation I also invited Daisy round here three times, and each time she was a total nightmare, stropping and tantrumming when things didn't go her way, and being really rude to DD and I, saying things like we have the most boring house she's ever been round. Everything DD suggested that they did Daisy didn't want to do, and she even threw things in DD's room in temper. It was, in short, a fucking disaster!

DD has now been back at school a couple of days and have once again had a text message from Daisy's mum today saying Daisy is upset as DD is playing with other children and not her. DD said she has told Daisy she can play with them but Daisy doesn't want to and has spent her break times mostly having loud screaming tantrums.

How the hell do I deal with this? As I said, I think it's important that DD continues to be polite and kind to Daisy, but I can totally understand why she doesn't want to play with her. The mum doesn't seem very happy but apart from what we've been doing I don't know what else I can do? I'd be most pissed off if I was told I had to be friends with a spoilt, nightmare person tbh and I don't think it's fair to force DD to hang around with just Daisy. But I can hardly tell the mum why DD doesn't want to play with her daughter, can I? Feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't! Plus I do actually like the mum and don't want her to fall out with me over this and think badly of DD when I feel like I'm doing my best!

Message back politely and say that you are not in the business of meddling in DD’s social life to the extent where your tell her who she has to play with.

Quietly, I’d have a word with your dd and let her know that you back her playing with other children and there’s no problem with that so long as she’s still polite to Daisy. You cannot force friendships at any age - Daisy’s Mum needs to realise this

All I would do in this situation is say to DD that as long as she is kind, she should play with whoever she wants. That it would be nice to offer Daisy come join if they are doing big group games but not to feel obliged to stick only with her.

Wrt daisys mum Id say something like "Im sorry to hear Daisy isnt happy, its understandable that friendships evolve. Im not asking DD to stop playing with other friends to play alone with Daisy, but Daisy should just join in when they are playing group games, more the merrier etc".

I feel for you!! I can’t evlieve you invited her to your home 3 times - if she behaved like that once, I’d never have invited her back!! 😱 You’re obviously a very kind and compassionate person but realistically, it isn’t your choice who your daughter plays with at school. Let her befriend who she wants! Outside of school, it sounds as though you’re handling it really well... surprisingly well considering how Daisy is behaving. Personally I would be distancing myself politely. Regarding Daisy’s mother, I think you should be honest about. Obviously keep it short and sweet, but just a simple “My DD is a lot quieter/ less outspoken than Daisy and I think she found it a bit much when X happened at our house”. Good luck!!

Tell her you think it's best if school deal with things during school hours. Then block her.
And do not feel like you have to explain yourself - or your dd's behaviour.

If she;s tantrumming about it at school, let them deal with it.

Maybe have a quiet word with the teacher to explain the situation, or get DD to,

I’d be totally upfront with your daughter.
She’s Y6, you can be honest with her.
Did she ask you to invite Daisy 3x? Or did you suggest it?
I do agree she needs to be polite and kind, but you should be careful that giving her that message isn’t interpreted as being a doormat and taking shit.
Talk to her. If she’s fed up to the back teeth with Daisy, then let her say so. She doesn’t have to keep inviting Daisy to join in. Occasionally would be enough.
It’s important to help her not take any shit, as well as important to talk to her about kindness.

The girld are in year six!! Just text back and say the girls are old enough now and you don’t feel it is right to get involved with their friendships, and that you are very pleased they are all playing in a large circle of friends.
Don’t invite Daidy over for the time being, as your dd may be isolated from other friends ( last thing you needs) I suspect your dd is like you, kind and easy going and she puts up with Daisy whilst everyone else keeps their distance.
Support your dad decisions and encourage all her friendships and let Daisy’s mother reflect on why her dd is struggling with her friendships. Don’t enable this woman to micromanage her dd friendships!
Daisy may well grow out of it and be delightful so keep an open mind

I would be polite and say that now they are in year six you are letting the children manage their own friendships in preparation for secondary school.

I also would limit Daisy's invites to your home, unless your daughter is keen.

Have school not had a word with Daisy's mum, if she is tantruming at school? I don't think that is typical behaviour for a Year 6.
I would say to the mum that DD has invited Daisy to join in their games, but that she refuses.

I think you could message the mum back and say something like “ahh one learned with X(your older child) not to mess with their friendships and it all works out in the end.
They’ve raised a little monster! They haven’t done her any favours at all.

I’ve learned *

I would just reiterate that your dd wants to play with a range of children and Daisy is welcome to join in but wants a wider group. I would also keep the school informed so they know that she isn't being excluded but dd wants to expand her friendship base. I would also make sure that I asked for your dd to be in a different form /school/ town to Daisy for secondary school.

I’d go and speak to the teacher and explain the situation so they can deal with it in school time. I wouldn’t go out of my way to speak to Daisy’s mum but if she approached me I’d just say ‘I think my dd wants to play with all different kids as well as Daisy. Tell daisy she’s welcome to join!’ Her choice if she doesn’t want to. Tell your dd to carry on how she was before. She sounds great! X

I would actively involve the school at this point, and limit contact with Daisy's mum.

Ask for a meeting with the class teacher, and go over pretty much exactly what you have said - that you have told your DD to be polite and kind to Daisy but support her playing with a wider group in school, but that the mum is texting you about Daisy being upset about this.

As a primary teacher of around the relevant age, we deal with this type of thing pretty regularly, and do a fair amount of individual, small group and whole class PSHCSE / coaching around friendships, as well as involving parents if necessary. As your DD's class teacher, for example, I might well be talking to Daisy's mum about her behaviour and reiterating a number of the key messages you have been giving your DD but which can't easily come from you to Daisy's mum. Then it means that you can be saying 'I know they've covered this in school as part of preparation for secondary, as it is so good for them to widen their friendship groupings at this point', or 'As school always say, as long as children are kind and don't exclude other children from their games, then it's fine to play with different groups'.

Why can't you tell the truth to Daisy's mum? That Daisy won't join in with a group and has a tantrum every time things don't go her own way and that's why she is losing friends at school? If she's really a friend you should be honest with her. She and Daisy need help before secondary.

I’d send similar to PinkOcelot, i think, i’d just commiserate that daisy was sad but say something about letting them work it out for themselves and it all coming out in the wash or whatever

I wouldn’t involve school, no one’s done anything wrong. It’s ok for your dd to want to play with other people, and although it’s not ideal for daisy to be getting in a huge strop, as long as she’s not lashing out then it’s not a school issue. This is exactly what primary school is for imo, learning to handle this stuff. I definitely would not drop a truth bomb on the mother - it would do no good at all. Look at it from her perspective - her dd is coming home in tears over friendship issues. It’s really hard seeing your child upset like that. Someone helpfully telling her ‘well actually your daisy is a total nightmare tbf’ is just going to hurt her and make her defensive. She is not suddenly going to see the light and become an amazing parent.

I wonder how much you encouraged the 'best friends titled?'

I think Daisy isn't used to being on her own, and feels isolated.

But your DD doesn't have to put up with her.

I'd ignore future messages and let your DD play with who she liked

Make sure that they don't go to the same secondary school together.

My daughter has a friend like this, very similar situation. Said friend is suspected to have High Functioning Autism as she has severe anxiety which results in controlling behaviour, struggles in social situations and has trouble controlling her emotions. From experience (my other daughter has HFA / ASD) problems such as this do seem to materialise around this age as girls' relationships become more complex.

Not that I / you can do anything about that but it's worth keeping in mind that it might not be what it seems. While it's important to be understanding I think need to make sure that our owns daughter's don't get held back by it and are encouraged to keep other friendships.

Actually I think it is a good idea to bring it up discretely at school as they may be able to help Daisy with her social difficulties and it might help them to identify if there is an overall issue given her other problem behaviours ('tantrums' / meltdowns etc)

I would mention it to school, not asking them to intervene, but so they're aware of it. No parent likes to hear hard truths about their child, and if she has tantrums / kicking her family, then her mum should have enough insight to realise that other children don't respond well to that

At most, I might say, "last time she came here she didn't seem to enjoy it" but no more than that.

A year 6 child with the behaviour you describe is unusual.

I’d speak to the teacher - it may be that Daisy needs extra support

Personally I’d be honest with Daisy's Mum.

I’d go and see her face to face and say that Daisy tantrums every time she doesn’t get her own way and your DD is no longer prepared to put up with it.

I’d tell her that Saisy May only wish to play with your DD but that you support your DD’s choice to play with a range of friends. Make it clear that Daisy is always offered th choice to join in.

I would not have invited a child who tantrummed and was rude to me and my D.C. for another play date and I would have told the parent explicitly why.

If the Mum doesn’t know what’s going on she can’t do anything to help her daughter.

Thank you all so very much for the replies!

I'll try and summarise a few points:

I've thought in the past about mentioning it to Daisy's mum but she is very much of the school of thought that Daisy can do no wrong, and actually thinks that it is funny and 'feisty' when she acts up. She is convinced that Daisy is super intelligent and that Daisy knows more than the teachers.

I'm not sure if the school have spoken to her about Daisy's tantrums at school; I'm assuming that they probably have as they are a good, nurturing school who at the same time don't tolerate rubbish behaviour, so I am sure it has been flagged to her parents at some point. Daisy's mum isn't the sort of person who would ever tell anyone negative things about her daughter, I would think she would be in denial anyway.

I will at some stage mention it to DD's class teacher once they've been back a week or so and she isn't so rushed off her feet. I agree that it's best that I mention it, just so that she is aware that Daisy acts this way if she doesn't already know. As for Daisy possibly having medical issues that make her behave that way, if I'm honest the thought has crossed my mind once or twice as she is very, very different in her ways to the other girls in their year group. She is almost like a mini adult and says very grown up sayings. Like when she came here and kicked off a fuss as she didn't want to play what DD suggested, I said to DD to maybe find something else for her and Daisy to play and Daisy said "No, I'm once bitten, twice shy". She has also said before that I am a useless mother!

DD says that again today she played with other friends and that Daisy went up to DD and told her that she hates her, so DD just walked off and played with others. I think she is getting so that she cannot be bothered with Daisy's demands anymore.