To wonder how to sort this issue re DD's school friendship

[ViolettaPink]

DD is 10 and has just started year 6 this week.

On her first day in reception she became best friends with a girl, I'll call her Daisy for the purpose of this thread. She and Daisy were inseparable most of the time until towards the end of year 4, when DD started to get a little fed up with Daisy.

To cut a long story short, Daisy is very, very spoilt! Her parents, and grandparents who look after her a lot too, all indulge her a lot and she is never every told 'No' or told off. She hits her mum and dad, and kicks off big time with anyone who won't give her her own way, whether this is with her parents, with her schoolfriends or even to teachers at school if she doesn't want to do a particular work task or doesn't fancy doing PE that day, or whatever. DD has said that Daisy creates quite a scene at school whenever anything does not go her way.

DD has got more and more fed up with this behaviour, and also of Daisy wanting her to herself all the time. Over the past year DD made more of an effort to spend time with, and play with other children, which hasn't gone down well with Daisy, obviously. I have had long chats with DD about it and stressed that it is important to be polite and kind to Daisy, however she is free to play with who she wants. She tries to get Daisy to join in with playing with other kids with her but Daisy refuses.

I am friends with Daisy's mum, and about halfway through the last school year she mentioned to me a few times that the girls weren't as close anymore and that Daisy was upset about it. I said that IME (I have older DC) children's friendships do change a lot at around that age, and that they often change who they are hanging around with at times, or broaden their friendship circle. I said too that Daisy didn't seem too keen to play in groups with other kids too and she said that Daisy just wants to play with DD.

Over the course of the summer holiday DD spent time with a big selection of different friends at our house and their houses, and out of politeness/obligation I also invited Daisy round here three times, and each time she was a total nightmare, stropping and tantrumming when things didn't go her way, and being really rude to DD and I, saying things like we have the most boring house she's ever been round. Everything DD suggested that they did Daisy didn't want to do, and she even threw things in DD's room in temper. It was, in short, a fucking disaster!

DD has now been back at school a couple of days and have once again had a text message from Daisy's mum today saying Daisy is upset as DD is playing with other children and not her. DD said she has told Daisy she can play with them but Daisy doesn't want to and has spent her break times mostly having loud screaming tantrums.

How the hell do I deal with this? As I said, I think it's important that DD continues to be polite and kind to Daisy, but I can totally understand why she doesn't want to play with her. The mum doesn't seem very happy but apart from what we've been doing I don't know what else I can do? I'd be most pissed off if I was told I had to be friends with a spoilt, nightmare person tbh and I don't think it's fair to force DD to hang around with just Daisy. But I can hardly tell the mum why DD doesn't want to play with her daughter, can I? Feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't! Plus I do actually like the mum and don't want her to fall out with me over this and think badly of DD when I feel like I'm doing my best!

Any child who told me I was a useless Mother would have been in the car and delivered home so fast her feet wouldn’t touch the ground. And I’d have told her mother why.

Daisy’s Mum might think she can do no wrong but she asking you directly why the girls aren’t friends any more so I’d give her a direct
answer.

There are consequences to actions.

Very young children are quite forgiving. Daisy is learning that her actions do have consequences and so is Daisy's mother.

I would speak to the teacher

I would try to explain to this other mum in person that dd tries to include Daisy when she plays with other children, but Daisy isn't interested.

It will probably be easier for her to understand if it's a spoken conversation rather than text messages.

Tell this other mum that she needs to address the issues Daisy has - mainly her unwillingness to share anything, including your dd, with other children.

I would pass the issue back to school to deal with tbh. If her Mum speaks to you about it just keep making polite non-committal noises. Absolutely do not let her think in any way that you are going to make your dd play with Daisy. It does sound like there may be a bit more to her behaviour than purely being spoilt but it's impossible to know just from what you've said here. Either way it doesn't sound like her family are doing her any favours.

Sounds like you are doing the right things OP. Encouraging your child to be confident in asserting her boundaries while remaining kind and polite. Your DD Los learning some good life skills there!

I don't think I'd mention anything to the school (unless it's causing problems for your DD but it sounds like she is doing OK). The teachers have probably clocked what's going on.

As for the mum, your 'i've learnt to leave them to it at this age' sounds sensible

Definitely talk to the class teacher. With regards to the mum, a ‘dd wants to play in a wider group, Daisy is welcome to join in’. Them repeat.

Gracefully retreat, too.

If the mum keeps on, just tell her that kids’ friendships change.

Blimey you’ve been tolerant. Haven’t you had 5+ years of this? Hooray the friendship is waning surely?

I’d tell the mother nicely but straight.

Very young children are quite forgiving. Daisy is learning that her actions do have consequences and so is Daisy's mother

Wise words. We have a bit of a Daisy situation here, and this comment rings so true!

Any child who called me a useless mother on a playdate in my own would be so fast out the door their feet wouldn't touch the ground! If you two are good friends as well, I think it's time for a frank conversation with Daisy's mum, along the lines of what Nona said. If Daisy's mum refuses to take on board what you say, that's her look out, but at least you've tried to make her understand what the issue is.

In my own house, I meant.

Could you not respond with a polite "Sorry to hear Daisy has been upset, [DD] has also been a bit upset about what has been happening at breaktime. It seems there has been a few group games that DD has joined in with but feels under pressure not to play with others as Daisy doesn't want to join them. I've explained to DD that it is absolutely fine to play as a big group and to make sure she is including Daisy as sometimes we need a friend's encouragement to join in. Hope Daisy is feeling better"? Doesn't focus too heavily on her child being the issue so she might not automatically dismiss it?

I think you are taking on too much responsibility for Daisy here. It isn´t your job to talk to the teacher about her. Daisy´s friendships and behaviour in school are her parents´ problem, even if you think they are dealing with her poorly. If I were you, I´d stick to just your own daughter. Tell Daisy´s mum that you want to encourage wider friendships for your daughter and that they are now of an age where they need to run their friendships themselves, and then leave it at that.

Well I'd keep doing what you're doing with DD. She should be kind to Daisy but not feel obligated to only play with her. With Daisy's mum I'd be (somewhat) honest. Say that you've had a long talk with DD and she's said they she's been enjoying playing with other kids but that Daisy is welcome to join in but has declined to do so. You could also mention very tactfully that DD sometimes finds Daisy's anger a little intimidating and that might be affecting their friendship.

I had a similar experience with my DD at that age. Her previous best friend became very bossy and controlling. I explained to DD that while she should not leave anyone with no playmates, she should decide who she wanted to play with and not feel pressured to always be with X. X's mother complained to school that nobody had played with her, and my DD was singled out by the teacher for being mean in not including X. I explained to the teacher that there were in fact another 210 children in the school that X could have played with, but who also choose not to do so , why did they think it was solely my DD's responsibility to always be the one to be at he beck and call.

I would mention it to the school. Only because we had similar with my DD2's best friend at that age and before I knew the Mum was in complaining that DD was bullying the child. Parents who can't see by their kids will turn the blame on other kids - Daisy's mother sounds like the type.

My dd has experienced something similar. I suspect the other girl in our case may be autistic - her brother has a diagnosis. Luckily her parents blamed our dd (I suspect ) for the fallings out - or at least saw them as not having a good friendship - so stopped promoting it once secondary school was looming (though they are at the same school, in the same tutor group - something both families asked not to happen!).

The other mum isn't the kind of person I'd normally be friends with but we were friendly. I could never have told her what I thought was wrong with her child. (I never liked the child, which sounds awful, but she was rude and awkward - never wanted to do what dd wanted to do. She's the only child who ever came for a play date that dd moaned about in primary .)

I think I'd quietly let the whole thing drop and avoid the mum if you can. It's really hard to sustain a friendship anyway when your respective kids don't get on, unless you can move it well away from the kids' relationship.

Dd knows now that we won't have the other child to our house - which is fine with her. (She's been emotionally manipulative since eg forcing dd to buy her things with her lunch money etc) But she does still sometimes spend time with her at school - despite the behaviours that annoy dd, she says she's also fun at times.

Daisy's behaviour at school seems far away from what you might expect in Y6. I suspect there is probably a lot more to this than you are aware of and Daisy's mum is likely to be well aware of her difficulties.

My son was best friends with a Daisy and I ended up having to go to school and complain because the school were feeding his extremely clingy and unreasonable behaviour. Daisy's mum was a TA at the school and believed that ds1 was bullying her son.

In the end I had to tell ds1 not to approach Daisy in the playground and the school were told not to sit them together or pair them up. Ds1 was expected to be polite to Daisy. We stopped seeing Daisy out of school as well. Daisy was too dependent on ds1 and with the school's support made other friends.

Ds1 and Daisy ended up having a good friendship about 12 months later. They were no longer best friends but good ones and the unhealthy behaviour never returned.

I think that you are doing everyone a disservice by inviting Daisy round. If her mum asks why I think you have to explain that the invitations have stopped since Daisy was bored, unhappy and thinks you're a bad mum.

Your dd isn't doing anything wrong. I hope that they are going to different secondaries.

The fact that Daisy is upset that she can’t keep one child to herself and she can’t play in groups isn’t anything you need to speak to the school about imo. Your dd is doing nothing wrong! Daisy’s mum may need to speak to the school about how they can help her child intergrate more.
If the mum texts again I’d say something like ‘I’m not sure what to suggest. Dd would love Daisy to join in with her and the others but she doesn’t want to. Obviously I can’t tell dd she isn’t allowed to play with her other friends. Maybe the school can offer some support to help her join in at playtimes?’ If she persists after that I’d just ignore the messages tbh. She’s trying to make her problem yours to solve which isn’t fair.

Are you proper friends with the mum? If so, tell her straight. Kindly, but straight. Then she can help her daughter.
The child sounds insecure and unhappy. That is not your daughter's responsibility.

I know it's been mentioned a lot that Daisy may have some special needs issue.... however I'd say it's just a case of she's been spoilt her whole life and now expects to get her own way. Very often, with parents who think the sun shines out of their child's arse, they treat their child as such and so they grow up expecting to have what they want, when they want. I would say to Daisy's mother - "DD has tried to include Daisy in her games with her other friends, but Daisy isn't interested in playing. I don't see what else DD can do and I'm not going to tell DD to stop playing with her other friends." Good luck OP.