Is DH being unreasonable to want to be able to look at his 11-year-old DD's mobile phone?

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My 11-year-old stepdaughter has just started secondary school and has got her first mobile phone. My husband has asked her for her lock screen PIN, so he can keep an eye on her messages and web browsing to make sure she's not talking to anybody untoward or looking at anything inappropriate. She has refused to tell him. Communication between DH and his ex is poor, so we don't know whether she is monitoring DSD's phone activity (though, even if she is, I think DH would want to have the ability to do so himself - we have DSD almost 50% of the time, including for extended periods in school holidays, so her mum won't always be around to check the phone). Is he being reasonable in wanting to be able to keep an eye on what his 11-year-old daughter is up to on social media?

IMO, no.

Well no but it’s awkward as you don’t know what arrangement there is with her Mum.

My DD ,of similar age, was told that she could only have phone if we had access to it when we wanted but that was part of the set up.

No. I make knowing his pin a condition of my 11yo ds having his phone.

No. He is being perfectly reasonable. She is an 11 year old child. She should not even be on social media.
Has either parent installed parental controls on the phone? I am aware that a tech savvy child can get round them but at the same time it's very important.
Do they know that there are at least 80,000 online sexual predators in the UK who are actively targeting children? I am sure there are millions more world wide.

perfectly normal.
Although the way I did it with ds was to explain that I wasn't about to read the content of his messages to and from friends, it was the big picture, and also, that she knows someone is looking/checking which may make her think twice.

It is a balance between safeguarding and privacy, but letting him know that I understood that helped.

Lots will tell you that you should monitor your DSD, however IMO it's better to be in a position where you can have open conversations (both way) with your DC about their phone/internet use.

If your DD knows you are monitoring her phone and is so inclined, she will simply hide anything she doesn't want you to see. And she has a right to a personal conversation with a friend without you reading it.

I would say that a parent who lets an 11 year old have unsupervised access to a phone is being negligent. "refuses to tell him" would be the same as "agrees not to have a phone" at that age.

Not remotely unreasonable. Was it her mum who purchased the phone? Not that it matters of course even if her mum doesn't monitor it at home, she must know there are different rules at your house.

I’d 100% be checking her phone! She wouldn’t have it otherwise. It’s not even that she’s not trustworthy, it’s predators and bullies. My son was being bullied on a WhatsApp group. They still need protection at that age. My son is 11 as well just FYI. In yr 7.

There’s a big campaign on the news atm about safeguarding children on the internet x

Perfectly reasonable I think. My dd is 11 next year and she’s getting a phone to use once she’s in secondary school, this will be one of the conditions

IMO it's better to be in a position where you can have open conversations (both way) with your DC about their phone/internet use.

And your child will tell you exactly what you want to hear. And you will be oblivious as to exactly what your child is accessing on the internet or on social media.

Thank you all for the almost unanimous comments! I am worried not only about predators, but also about her inadvertently stumbling across inappropriate content and being confused and upset - which happened to me a few times when I started using the internet in my teens.

I feel strongly that we do need the facility to keep an eye on her - as many of you have said, we don't particularly want to read her chatty messages to friends, but we need to know who she is talking to and when (e.g. is she smuggling the phone upstairs at bedtime and chatting til midnight, as she has been known to do with her tablet in the past?).

However, as a stepmum I don't want to overstep the mark - I realise major parenting decisions are for her mum and dad to make, not me. But I want to advise her dad wisely and support him in making the right decision.

I don't know what happens at her mum's house in terms of monitoring, but given that she spends so much time with us, I think DH needs the ability to monitor her phone so we can keep her safe on our time.

Agree with others, a condition of having a phone is allowing your parents access to it. Especially at that age.

My ds is 10 and has recently got his first phone. One of my rules is that I can take it and check it whenever I want.

And your child will tell you exactly what you want to hear. And you will be oblivious as to exactly what your child is accessing on the internet or on social media.

That's why I stressed you need to be in a position where you have open communication. My DC openly give me their phones and show me things (without me asking).

I'd rather my DC are in a position to tell me that they use social media than having to hide it from me. And I've never understood how monitoring a child's phone will mean that you know what they are doing, it simply means they get better at hiding things.

We found out that DS was looking at porn ... because he told us. He was also deleting his browser history every time, so we wouldn't have known this by looking at his phone.

Your DH is right to ask for access to her phone. Aside from the fact that she is too young for SM it is really important so that he can guide her how to use social media and interact safely online.

Too many parents give young kids free reign online and seem to care more about their kids not being left out and their right to privacy rather than their wellbeing and mental health.

Does she also sleep with her phone in her bedroom at night? Some of DCs friends seem to be sending messages into the early hours even on school nights and apparently they need their phones as alarms.🙄 Just buy an alarm clock FFS.

There's lots of apps that help parents monitor data usage on their children's phones. You could suggest this, which would have the added benefit of being able to keep an eye all the time, or simply suggest you have her PIN so you can do random checks.
Whichever she prefers?
uk.pcmag.com/parental-control-monitoring-products/79219/guide/the-best-parental-control-apps-for-your-phone

YANBU - she's 11. She is a child. Her phone needs to be monitored.

I would advise your DH to confiscate the phone until she agrees to the monitoring - and while he's got it, check the parental controls are locked down tight.

Why don't you both sit down with her and have a chat about safe surfing/social media.

Definitely not unreasonable. When my DS was 11 the rule was if I didn't know his passcode then he would not have the priviledge of having a phone. I used to check it periodicall, h11 is too young to be responsible for a phone IMO

I've always been fairly relaxed about this thing (although my DS didn't have a phone then) until I watched a Documentary back in May/June time about Breck Bednar and the way that a young man groomed him through online friendship (nothing sexual) into meeting up and when they did he murdered him. IT was very sad and exteremly shocking and a pointed reminder that there are a huge range of weirdos and predators online.

My DS(11) got his phone shortly after in preparation fro secondary school. It has parental controls on it and me knowing his pin was a condition of him being allowed the phone in the firstplace and is a continuing condition of him keeping it. I explained to him that I wasn't interested in what games he played or his chats with friends but just so that if I got worried I could see the overview of who he was chatting to. I also explained to him that while I trusted him the documentary I saw had scared me and that I needed reassurance of his safety.

If I was your DH I think I would say that while she is with you staying at yours either she gives him the pin or she gives him the phone until she leaves to go back to her mothers.

No. We have senior police figures talking about 6 figures of grooming and abuse cases.

You have to have all passwords and pins for an 11 year old as a condition of having the device and check regularly, if anything happens because of failure to do this you could be rightly criticised for being negligent.

My 11yo dd has just got her first phone- and we told her before getting it there wiuld be A: no Wi-Fi/internet
B: shared pin lock

Her dad (My ex) agreed, and its zero tolerance. She knows I'll lob her phone down our well if she locks it. I know nearly all her mates have internet etc but imo 13 is old enough for that. Eliminates a few of my worries.

Thanks. This is very helpful. I think DSD still struggles to get her head around the fact that there are different rules in each household. I don't think either DH or I want to undermine her mother, but it's helpful to hear that it would be entirely reasonable to insist either on having access to her PIN, or confiscating the phone while she is at our house. I am a bit nervous that confiscating the phone might be interpreted (by her or by DH's ex) as us trying to stop her talking to her mum, but that is absolutely not the case - she can use our landline or one of our mobiles to call her mum or her friends, as she has been doing up until now.

At that age at I would be expecting to know the password and my ex so we could all keep a watch to make sure dc is protected. Also online bullying is horrendous at times. Most social sites are 13+
I would also decide with ex at say 10pm confiscate it till the morning to make sure dc has a rested sleep.
It's had when communication is poor, it's the dc that can be at risk. Especially if the dc is 50/50 it's so important to be on the same page.

I have full access to my daughter’s phone and computer including the passwords to any accounts. As my minor child, her options are me having full access or her having no access.