Is DH being unreasonable to want to be able to look at his 11-year-old DD's mobile phone?

[PanicOnTheStreetsOfBirmingham]

My 11-year-old stepdaughter has just started secondary school and has got her first mobile phone. My husband has asked her for her lock screen PIN, so he can keep an eye on her messages and web browsing to make sure she's not talking to anybody untoward or looking at anything inappropriate. She has refused to tell him. Communication between DH and his ex is poor, so we don't know whether she is monitoring DSD's phone activity (though, even if she is, I think DH would want to have the ability to do so himself - we have DSD almost 50% of the time, including for extended periods in school holidays, so her mum won't always be around to check the phone). Is he being reasonable in wanting to be able to keep an eye on what his 11-year-old daughter is up to on social media?

Until they start aging and those who say they can’t imagine invading a 15 year olds phone

I bet that lady’s who’s daughter on the news who’s currently run off with some guy she meet on line wish she had

I bet those 16 year old parents who ran off to koi Isis who were groomed on line wish they had

And last the American mother who’s son was killed on line he was groomed told to steal from his parents to get a can over to his house then killed

Did he pay for it, if so HINBU

Doesn't matter if he paid for it or not. If he is a parent in charge of his child, he needs to be able to access her phone at age 11.

I started relaxing monitoring around age 14/15 - but that also depends on how confident you feel about your child's safety/good sense. I've had friends who have monitoried longer for good reason. During the "monitoring" years we've had dick-pics sent (accidentally as it happens but still), bullying, serious bullying etc. I actually would more worry about bullying at this age - and not just the 11 year old being bullied - you want to watch carefully what she says too. I told my kids in no uncertain terms that they should assume that every single thing they typed into their phones was being read by someone's parents.

Is it possible for DH to ask his ex for the PIN and have a conversation about monitoring and phone rules for consistency.

Kids today no longer play out or walk to school because we worry about crossing roads and stranger danger, yet they are at far greater risk at home sitting on their phone or tablet with unrestricted and unmonitored access to the internet. Parents do not hesitate to protect their DC in all other aspects of life and it just amazes me that many are just so naive when it comes to protecting their kids online.

I told my kids in no uncertain terms that they should assume that every single thing they typed into their phones was being read by someone's parents.

^
This

11 is v v young to just hope a good relationship and open talking will protect a child from all the delights the internet can throw up.

It's not just predators but the content of what goes on between friends and then also bullying.

I'm coming Out the other side of the teen years. I can honestly say 11 to 16 are tough years and we have got off lightly compared to some people we know.
Although predators are our worst fears it's also having the ability to guide them away from commenting/liking the wrong thing online. Then the peer pressure to sexy, take the piss out of others in the peer group etc etc. All normal every day teen stuff. Social media and teens can be a bumpy ride. Few cone out totally unscathed by something. Ask any secondary school teacher who have the joy of social media fall out to deal with on an almost daily basis if they would never ever check thier dc phones?

My advice is start v strict. You can release the apron strings bit by bit but it's very hard to put in place new stricter guidelines once you've started relaxed.

I have a very frank and open relationship with all 3 of my teens but I've never been naive enough to think they won't have their issues, problems, secrets they wont or don't want to discuss. We've had a few issues most of which I was able to steer/advise them away from befire escalation but bring bullied online was an issue for one of mine. I knew she was having problems as she told me but the actual level and relentlessness of it was only revealed when I checked her phone.

We always said to our 3 - here's a smart phone. We won't watch you like a hawk but just know we will randomly check your phone from time to time.We must have access to everything you use and do. That's the deal. It's that or no phone. We didn't check relentlessly just when we felt the need. Thankfully they were all v open with us. The only who k we had was the level of bullying my dd was receiving. She had told us but "didn't want yo worry us with how bad it had got".

I was able to talk through the risks of sexting/nude pics after another dd received requests for pics from some boys in the year above her and then closely monitor the situation.

I had to tell my son to remove some likes he had made on a page where the banter i felt crossed the line from joking to bullying.

My now 20 19 and 17yo now all have 100% privacy. I cant recall the day or age they were when that happened. It was a gradual process. I have a good relationship with all of them. We are a pretty open family and sometimes they share stuff with me i font wsnt to know but id ratherthat than a complete closed book.

It's not easy getting the balance right but please don't just leave her to it. Your DH is right to look. Good luck with it all. I have to say I'm glad I'm emerging out the other side but it's not all doom and gloom.

If you are still refused the pin then buy her a £9.99 basic phone that calls and texts and nothing else. Pop in a payg cheapy SIM for use at your house and confiscate hers. Input her mums number for her so no one can manipulate that situation against you.

Our whole family have the same passcode on all our devices and the kids know they are not allowed to change them.

They have grown up haing the Internet in some capacity but with rules in place eg they know never to reveal any real details online eg age,
Name, address etc. In fact they know not to post anything online without our permission. In fact DD age 10 came to me in a flap because she accidentky posted a blank comment while watching a you tube video.
DS age 11 is the only one with a phone at the moment and I occasionally check it and read his messages, he barely texts anyone anyway at the moment, he has ASD so his communication is just of the ‘are you on the bus’ variety. He doesn’t have any social media and the scorn he talks about my
Facebook usage means I don’t think he’s in any hurry to get it! He has also asked me to not post any photos of him on there either!

Electronics are also turned off before bedtime (about an hour before) and left to charge downstairs.

They have email addresses set up and copies of all emails received and sent go to DH so he can monitor.

I think it’s more important to teach them HOW to use the Internet safely then to restrict it.

My stance would be that DSD either shares her password or she doesn't use the phone when she's with her dad. Simple as.
It might be worth having a conversation with the mum though to see what she has in place.
My DD had a phone when she was 11 (ready for going to secondary school) and I found an unpleasant WhatsApp group chat where some of the group were being quite vile to someone on there. Thankfully DD didn't chime in. It was serious enough for the school to become involved and if I hadn't had access to her phone then I wouldn't have known this bullying was going on.
DD and I then had lengthy chats about social media, security and repercussions etc.
Oh and I had access to my DS's phone until he turned 15/16!

Thanks, all. Her mum bought the phone (DH had offered to buy her a phone when she was younger and his ex asked him not to as she felt DSD was too young). However, as we have DSD about 40% of the time, including for long stretches in the summer holiday, our position has been that DH needs to be able to keep an eye on what DSD is doing on her phone, regardless of who paid for it (FWIW DH is a high earner and currently pays well in excess of CMS maintenance, so he's not shirking his financial obligations). If DSD won't share her PIN next time she visits, DH will try emailing his ex, though communication isn't as easy as it would be in an ideal world. Thanks all.

Update: when we explained we'd have to confiscate the phone without it, DSD gave us the PIN! Thanks, all, for confirming we were not being unreasonable.

When the times comes with my dd to have a phone it is simply if I want to look at her phone I will look no matter what time of day it is. If she doesn't hand it over it will be take. Away.

Just explain too dd that use don't care about her talking to her friends about boys and whatnot.

You just need to make sure she isn't talking to random boys on the internet and putting her self in dangers or as you say going on inappropriate stuff