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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About birthday present....

31 replies

Beargoesgrr · 06/09/2018 13:44

My DD has a friend who’s birthday is in a few weeks time.
DDs friends family aren’t quite as well off as us, im not being boastful. But it’s a fact that makes a bit of a difference in this situation.

The friend was speaking to her mum, can’t really understand why she can’t have the same as DD or other friends, mum says that there’s no way she can afford this brand and that’s that.

I’ve recently ordered one of these things, but DD changed her mind mid delivery, so she was bought something similar, same brand etc but not the one that’s arrived.

The delivery has now come, and I’ve started to wonder if maybe instead of taking it back for a refund that we could gift this to DDs friend for her birthday?

Things that make me unsure are, that the child’s parent has said she can’t afford it, and I wouldn’t want to cross any sort of line.

That I feel I’m treating this child differently because of her parents financial position, DD has some friends who are very well off, those are children who I would never think of gifting them a £40ish gift, so I’m worried about that too.

But also, I feel like, because it’s something we’ve already paid for, and I know she would love it, maybe it’s an exception we could make (usually spend of £20 or less for DDs friends Bdays!)

We’re also closer to DDs friend than the others.
She comes out to dinner with our family, tags along to cinema trips, goes to the park with us and spends quite a lot of time at our house.

Advice anyone?
I just don’t want to seem weird in any way, it feels like a thoughtful gift to me, but I’m not sure if I’m crossing some sort of line.

OP posts:
NoLeslie · 06/09/2018 13:47

How well do you know the parents? I would ask them if their DD would like a x from your DD as you and your DH both saw one on offer and have ended up with two. Or similar sort of white lie-ish explanation.

Alpacanorange · 06/09/2018 13:49

Either give or don’t give.... don’t embarrass the parents by asking.

Original poster
Beargoesgrr · 06/09/2018 13:55

I’m not sure that asking is a good idea, I was stood next to the mum when DD was questioning why she couldn’t have the same.

The t would have to be a “it came fromDD, nothing to do with me sort of present” it just feels like a loaded sort of gift, which worries me. I know the parents quite well, They’ve been to our house for multiple dinners etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Beargoesgrr · 06/09/2018 13:57

I wouldn’t ask the parents which is why I’m asking here, I just couldn’t ask them because that would change the entire situation in my view. Much less of a birthday gift more like a weird sort of interference!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 06/09/2018 13:58

Maybe you could say it's a combined birthday and Christmas present? For dd's friend because she's such a good friend?

LeighaJ · 06/09/2018 13:59

I would just give it, I doubt the parents will be unhappy about her getting something she really wants.

wink1970 · 06/09/2018 14:02

Unless it's the exact thing that her mum said no to - in which case then you cannot 'override' - then give it to her. It's a nice idea, OP, don't stress too much over it.

knowledgeofnone · 06/09/2018 14:03

Is it maybe more that the parents can afford it but think the things are overpriced just because they have a certain name... for example my dd was desperate for a smiggle school bag I said no I couldn't afford one because they are really expensive but in truth I could afford to get her one if I wanted too but I feel they are really overpriced and at 7 I don't really want to get into the brand name stuff so I just told her I couldn't afford it so she would stop asking! Although my dad ended up getting her the bloody bag anyway!!... honestly though if it's something you want to gift then do it but I would maybe say to parents you got it on sale or something 🤔

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 06/09/2018 14:07

Just give it to her I cannot see the parents being bothered.

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 06/09/2018 14:12

I would phone the mum and say you got that one sent by accident and supplier said keep it and is sending the correct one, so ask if her DD would like it as you know she was after one. Then looks more like a happy accident but there’s a risk you cause embarrassment any other way sorry op it’s a lovely thing to want to do xx

rocketpocket · 06/09/2018 15:12

I'd just be honest in your situation (since you know the parents). I'd say to the mother that you ordered this for your daughter and she changed her mind but as it's arrived anyway and you overheard their conversation you wondered if you could gift it to her for her birthday. What's wrong with that? I'd say if you're not going to go for this approach to send it back and get something else. I feel it could be misread if you don't have that conversation with her Mum beforehand.

JellieEllie · 06/09/2018 15:13

I would do as a pp suggested. Say you ordered one for your own daughter but that two came by accident and would she like one.

rocketpocket · 06/09/2018 15:13

Like if she was that worried about you knowing her finances etc. she wouldn't have said in front of you that she can't afford it.

Perhaps she's just saying that to her daughter to make it more of a surprise that she's actually got her one herself...

Icklepup · 06/09/2018 15:18

I would give it

Brakebackcyclebot · 06/09/2018 15:22

If I were the other girl's mum and you have my F'S this gift I would struggle to see It as anything other than you having more dosh than me, and it would make me feel rubbish. It would really piss me off. Sorry

Brakebackcyclebot · 06/09/2018 15:22

*you gave my DD

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2018 15:23

I can see uour point here actually.

You stood there listening to thr child ask for x. And the mother saying they couldn't afford it. Then you front up and get thr child it. Which makes it look like some form of charity thing and could cause offence. Like you're stepping in where the parents can't.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to be honest. On one side it's great for the kid. On the other side thr parents could be upset by it and think you're making a pointed gesture.

I dunno, I also think it's an awkward one.

Whatsthisbear · 06/09/2018 15:23

I'm clearly in a minority but I would say don't do it. Spend what you usually spend.
Firstly you risk making the other mum feel crap for not being able to buy it for her whereas you can just hand one over because you bought two. Secondly you may make her feel she has to spend more than she normally would on your daughter for her gift.
If you wouldn't dream of giving well off DD friends a gift of that value then don't do it to this friend.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2018 15:46

I think to be honest, I'd probably come down on don't do it too. It's a shame for the girl, but if you're not able to ask the parents, and are unsure I'd err on the side of caution for the sake of the friendship between the kids. You just don't want it to look like you're playing lady bountiful to her kid and pointing out she can't.

I think most folks would have a sense of unease about it.

Septembermummy1 · 06/09/2018 15:58

If you where stood next to her when she said no we can't afford it to her DD, then I definitely wouldn't give it. Them mum may feel like it's a pity present from you because she can't afford to get her DD one.

Original poster
Beargoesgrr · 06/09/2018 17:53

Thanks everyone for your input- I’m blown away that I’ve not come back and got a bit of a kick in!

It seems like there are a few, who would feel exactly like Im fearing mum would, and that’s totally not my intention, and I certainly wouldn’t want her to feel like it meant my DD should have an extra special gift for her birthday either. I’d hate her to feel beholden to spend that kind of money on my DD because it’s an awful lot, it’s only because it’s sat in my kitchen and it’s a much coveted thing in their circle, which I know her pal would love, I think it does boil down to how I’d make her parent feel, and whilst I feel we’re quite close, I’ve various concerns about what they might think I’m trying to say.

I know I’m making a huge deal out of having an item going spare! My first thought was just that x would LOVE this!

Thank you all,

I think that the best thing is to probably send it back for a refund, so I don’t offend anyone, and maybe get something smaller within the same brand so she will have a couple of bits from there which are cheaper, but not the bigger more expensive item- within the same sort of budget that we usually spend.

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 07/09/2018 04:38

Could you tell the mum that you got it on sale and it was marked down to about the normal price you'd spend on a present?

KC225 · 07/09/2018 06:59

What a shame, if you are that close to the friend and you know she would love it. It seems like you have made your decision but, I do like the suggestion of ringing up the mum and saying there had been a mix up we have been sent the wrong one and the site said we could keep it, and asking if it was okay to give it as a birthday present.

I think that would be thoughtful and respecting boundaries.

Icequeen01 · 07/09/2018 07:10

I wouldn't give it to her to be honest. It might be the case that the mum thinks it is too expensive for them to buy it for her birthday but will give it to her for Xmas. We have done that in the past with our DS as we don't spend as much for birthdays.

Bigpizzalover · 07/09/2018 07:17

Could you not text the mum saying something like ordered the wrong xxx before I send it back do you want to buy it from me for xx (reduced price) - yes you would lose out on some money but then it gives mum chance to get it for daughter. If you says she can’t afford it you could always ask then if she would mind you gifting it to her daughter

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