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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fairness isnt always giving DC's the same?

42 replies

GandolfBold · 06/09/2018 12:43

Prepared to be told IAU.

Yesterday my MIL and SIL came round with DN who is 2. To visit my DD.

MIL had 2 packs of Lego cards that you get from Sainsbury's that she had got when she went shopping the other day. DD collected these last time and had asked everyone if they got any this time could she have them for her collection. She had previously bought an album with individual pockets to keep them in.

Now in the interest of 'fairness', MIL gives one packet to DD and one to DN, who completely destroyed them within about 5 minutes as they are only made of card. SIL even told her not to and to give them to DD instead, but MIL was insistent that otherwise it was unfair on DN. DD was a little upset because some of the cards in the pack DN had would have been new to her collection.

So AIBU to think that you don't have to always have everything equally in order for it to be fair, especially as my DS (11) was also here and he didn't get a pack because 'he isn't collecting them'?

I get on reasonable well with MIL by the way, she can be a bit clumsy at times but we rub along okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
GandolfBold · 06/09/2018 15:42

Well I am obviously notBU because no one told me soGrin

OP posts:
Giantsquid · 06/09/2018 15:46

I’m sure your DD will get over it

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/09/2018 15:46

A different example, but we have been supporting the dses through university, and have not given each of them the same amount. The reasoning was that ds1’s living costs were substantially higher, because rents were higher where he was, so he got more money to top up his loan.

The aim was to leave each one of them with the same amount of money for living expenses after rent and bills. We explained that this was our reasoning, and they thought that this was a fair and equitable thing to do.

So, in short, I don’t think fairness necessarily means treating children exactly the same.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/09/2018 15:50

I don't think either option was really unreasonable here - if she had given them both to your daughter I think that's ok, but I can also see why she didn't. I imagine she thought the two year old would enjoy playing with them even if playing did destroy them, and they were free so it's not like they were something of great value.

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 06/09/2018 15:52

I always tell my children I don't treat them exactly the same because they are not exactly the same person. I treat them in a way which seems fair, so no, YANBU

sashh · 06/09/2018 15:54

I'm in my 50s and still bitter I had to have driving lessons for my 17th birthday because that's what my brother had asked for 2 years before.

No treating people equally is not treating them the same.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/09/2018 16:00

I'm in my 50s and still bitter I had to have driving lessons for my 17th birthday because that's what my brother had asked for 2 years before.

Ooh, but I can see that one from your parents' perspective. They presumably felt they would have had to spend the same on you, and that's a lot of money to spend on something frivolous/disposable, or to give a 17 year old to fritter away, whereas driving lessons are practical and (assuming you pass the test at the end!) for life. Not saying I'd do the same as they did but I can see the underlying logic.

Talith · 06/09/2018 16:03

YANBU

I've had battles before - my youngest was obsessed - and I mean OBSESSED with newton's cradles on youtube and we saw one in a shop and so I said I'd get it for him, it was about 15 quid so not a cheap purchase. Eldest then pipes up that he wants one too (despite never showing the remotest interest) - I said no, because he only wanted one because his brother had something he didn't, then the little sod said OK then, he wanted the 15 pounds instead. He was about 10. I said NOPE THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. I said there would be times he gets something and his brother doesn't, and vice versa, but I don't spend money just for the sake of spending money. I try to be even handed but not going to go for pointless cash matching or gift buying - sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind in life. I think they're getting the hang of it but you have to be consistent in not caving to matchy matchy.

As long as there really isn't favouritism at play then it's a life lesson about not being grabby. See also sibling presents on a child's birthday - WHY?

It makes me think of other downsides - my dear mother can't bring herself to NOT be totally even handed, and it results in some very odd compliments like "I'm so impressed with how you've tackled the decorating - but of course ALL my kids are great at decorating, your sisters did X and Y and don't forget your brother did Z..." for once I'd love a compliment that was for me alone!

MaryBoBary · 06/09/2018 16:04

I think YAB a bit unreasonable. Perhaps your mother didn’t want to favour 1 of her daughters children over the others. So yes your son didn’t get any but a grandchild from each side did. It really isn’t the end of the world and perhaps is a good lesson for your daughter that she can’t have it all just because she collects them. I understand her frustration but ultimately is IMO fair of your mother and the right way to do it.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 06/09/2018 16:07

Bit unfair on your dd to see something she would have appreciated being torn to bits..
And a waste of money too!!
Age appropriate should go above fairness.
DN could have had something else.
I don't always spend the same on toddler as other dc as he has no clue about ££££!!

ManorGreyhound · 06/09/2018 16:07

The reasoning was that ds1’s living costs were substantially higher, because rents were higher where he was, so he got more money to top up his loan

This doesn't really seem that fair to be honest, your DS1 presumably chose to go to that university with its associated higher living costs? If so, he should take the hit and have less money to cover expenses.

I would have loved to go to University in London, but knew my living costs would be astronomical so applied elsewhere

I'll be giving my DCs the same amount and encouraging them to take living costs into account when applying.

OP, I do think YABU - you are applying your own opinion of what is fair which is always going to be questionable. Better to go with 'the same' and remove any scope for fallings out in the future.

Dieu · 06/09/2018 16:14

YANBU. And it was a ridiculous way for your MIL to promote fairness and equality! The cards were inappropriate for his age, whereas your daughter would have enjoyed them.

Jenny70 · 06/09/2018 16:18

This image resonates with me, sometimes different children need something different.

To think fairness isnt always giving DC's the same?
bridgetreilly · 06/09/2018 16:47

If MIL wanted to be both 'fair' and 'kind', she'd have given both packs to your daughter and got some small treat for the others. Or she could have saved one of the packs for another time. But I think it was pretty unkind to give them to DN in this instance, who not only did not want them but also destroyed them (perfectly reasonably, for a 2yo, but presumably would have happily destroyed something else your DD didn't want instead!).

DelilahandDaisy · 06/09/2018 16:50

She wasn’t being fair then was she? If your DS got nothing.

Trinity66 · 06/09/2018 16:50

YANBU, giving cards to a 2 year old is only going to end in destruction, she may as well have just given her some blank paper

llangennith · 06/09/2018 16:55

YANBU. You don't give different children the same treats as they're not the same people.
I'm not surprised your DD was upset.

ZanyMobster · 06/09/2018 16:57

I totally agree that being fair isn't always getting the same. I couldn't disagree more with the poster who said that DCs should have exactly the same for Uni accommodation etc, presumably most people would want their DC to apply for the best/most appropriate place to do the course they want not the one that ensures they spend the same on accommodation (if affordable in general of course). If you have that way of thinking then would you give one DC the same amount if they went straight into work so they just have a load of spending money? I may well do that but it would be for something specific such as a house deposit. Although I would hope I could support both DCs in that regardless of whether one or other went to uni. I don't think spending the same money makes it fair necessarily.

I can understand saying basically we have X number of £s and that is it to put them both through Uni but not if you can afford to pay their living costs.

Sometimes my DC have something the other doesn't, both play instruments and also play sports. One may get a more expensive item than the other depending on the level of sport or music they are playing. Obviously we give them both the same opportunities to start with but it doesn't always end up the same. They are fine with that.

ZanyMobster · 06/09/2018 16:58

Jenny70 - I love that picture

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 06/09/2018 16:58

YANBU.

Ex and his wife are perfect examples of this. They have 6 D.C. between them. 2 are mine.
My 2 DC go to their dad's on a Saturday. They (the adults) insist all D.C. are treated the same as that's "fair".
So for eg. One day they were having ham sandwiches for all. All DC have a choice of ham or nothing. Ds1 is vegetarian but in the interests of 'fairness' all dc have to have ham or plain bread!
Their toddler dcs share a packet of crisps, so all the older ones have to share and have half a packet each. Now admittedly crisps aren't the be all and end all, but 2 slices of bread and butter and half a bag of crisps won't fill up a 13 year old!

One Saturday they were having a spring clean so all dc had to help clean the bedrooms. My 2 DS spent all day tidying a bedroom they are not allowed into usually and have slept in once in the last 3 years!

One Christmas all the boys got star wars t shirts. Including ds1 who hates Star wars...

I could go on but won't.

cactusplant · 06/09/2018 17:00

Was it fair? I don't know
Would I have been arsed enough to do an aibu over it? No

MustShowDH · 06/09/2018 17:00

YANBU

My mother has never understood this.
She insists that she treated my brother and I 'the same' as we were growing up. She will never acknowledge how this has been detrimental to me as I AM NOT MY BROTHER!!

Ooops, sorry OP, you hit a nerve there!

NotTakenUsername · 06/09/2018 17:01

Yanbu.
It would have been a nice idea to give the 2yo a few of Dds doubles and let her have all the new ones for her collection.
Win win.

Hippee · 06/09/2018 17:11

I love this quote from the author Rick Riordain (the verbal equivalent of Jenny's picture):

"“Fairness does not mean everyone gets the same. Fairness means everyone gets what they need.”"

Hippee · 06/09/2018 17:13

And your niece obviously didn't need the cards. If I had been the DSIL I would have insisted that your DD had them. Hopefully Sainsbury's will do their swapping sessions again and your DD can complete her collection there.