To think fairness isnt always giving DC's the same?

[GandolfBold]

Prepared to be told IAU.

Yesterday my MIL and SIL came round with DN who is 2. To visit my DD.

MIL had 2 packs of Lego cards that you get from Sainsbury's that she had got when she went shopping the other day. DD collected these last time and had asked everyone if they got any this time could she have them for her collection. She had previously bought an album with individual pockets to keep them in.

Now in the interest of 'fairness', MIL gives one packet to DD and one to DN, who completely destroyed them within about 5 minutes as they are only made of card. SIL even told her not to and to give them to DD instead, but MIL was insistent that otherwise it was unfair on DN. DD was a little upset because some of the cards in the pack DN had would have been new to her collection.

So AIBU to think that you don't have to always have everything equally in order for it to be fair, especially as my DS (11) was also here and he didn't get a pack because 'he isn't collecting them'?

I get on reasonable well with MIL by the way, she can be a bit clumsy at times but we rub along okay.

YANBU. Agree totally with Jenny70s picture. Equity not equality.

YANBU, but perhaps your daughter could have traded something with DN for the cards? That way they would have both had something they wanted.

My dd gives my sister £1000 pcm as they are out of work.

I don’t get it as I have a job.

I’m with you on this OP. I’m currently sat with my youngest dc whilst she plays and my eldest dd is out playing with friends on her own. My youngest wanted to go out on her own but I said no as she’s too young. She thinks it’s unfair as her sister is allowed. I’d be being a b bad parent if I let my 6yr old out on her own

I know it’s not the point but I have some spare cards I’m happy to post you.

In many instances YANBU.

However, on this instance, I think on balance that YABU. I expect MIL was just trying to do the right thing. I expect there are plenty of DILs who would be complaining that it was unfair to give two packs to one DD and none to the other DD.

It must be a minefield being a MIL, they can’t do right for doing wrong!

I would have let 2 yo open the packets then ‘shared’ the cards out with your child getting to pick the ones she wanted... 2yo would have been happy with opening packets and getting cards. I have 2 children and they get what they need as they need it... so yes equity not equality

I think she should maybe have given your dd both of them when dn wasn’t there. 2 yrs is prime age to have an almighty tantrum over not getting something someone else is whether they actually want it or not. Considering that she did decide to give the cards when they were both there she had little choice but to give a pack to dn imo. She probably figured your dd was old enough not to be too put out.
So not the best thought out thing to do maybe but I’m sure intentions were good.

YANBU. But it’s probably not worth bothering to make a fuss about.

If you treat your DD, DS and DNiece fairly they will learn life lessons anyway.

If I was her I would have given both packs to your dd when DN was out of sight or brought a little gift for DN to distract her.

YANBU!

Ott "fairness" is ridiculous, I'm still bitter that I had to miss out on a fantastic opportunity when I was a teenager because it would involve one of my parents to take me to the activity once a week and they didn't let me go in case my brother or sister wanted to take up a hobby on that day and it wouldn't be fair.

We even still get cheques at Christmas to the penny if they've given us a gift and it's not hit the limit. I know I sound ungrateful but it gives me the rage a little bit and I don't know why!!!

I wasn't allowed to go to the grammar school having passed the 11+ as my elder siblings hadn't passed and it wasn't fair on them. 39 years later it still rankles!

If I had been MIL, I would probably have quietly given all the cards to DD as she was leaving. Seems a shame that some were destroyed when they are desperately wanted (I am saving mine for a variety of other people's children).

Gosh, this is a hard one to win as a parent! So many children think one is favoured, even when their parents believe the exact opposite - but trying to enforce scrupulous fairness gets criticised too! I do get it, my parents are of the 'exactly equal' persuasion too - they still ensure we get exactly the same spent on us at Christmas, and once tried to insist on giving me a random £3000 (which I refused) after they bailed my brother out of an unexpected tax bill - and as a child it sometimes annoyed me, but as an adult I can see they were doing their best. We're so different as people, me and my brother, that I can see how they felt they needed to be consciously fair (sometimes ludicrously so) to avoid accidental unfairness.

Tearing things to bits is fun if you're 2. Collecting things is fun if you're older. Not getting something from your Nan when your cousin gets something right in front of you is rubbish at any age. In this case I think I'd have done the same as Grandma.

Lisa
I'd already had to go to the VI form he'd gone to. I didn't want to do any more learning. Also it would have been nice to have been asked.

Check out this swapping thread op