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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Good state v private! Don't want to start a fight but...

43 replies

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 10:22

I know this is an impossible dilemma as you don't know me or dd but...

dd is currently in year 8 at a good state comprehensive. She's very sporty, popular, middling academically. Last year she had a bad patch socially as she fell out with a friend, there was no sport to speak of and she had a month or so of feeling really miserable and not enjoying school. In a sort of mad flush, I went to see an independent school locally about the possibitliy of dd doing a sports scholarship. They were impressed with her sports cv ( I don't normally carry that around with me but they asked to see one) and have written to say that they have looked through our financial records and her cv and we tick boxes for various pots of bursary money and a sports scholarship. We have entered her for the scholarship in Jan.

Now she's started back at her state school and is loving it. She has a group of really good boy and girl friends, she's had a great few days.

So of course now I am thinking - what's the point in moving her?

Is independent school really worth it? I know it totally depends on the child and the school...

Dh is non-committal which doesn't help - although he is very laid back, thinks we should do the scholarship and see what happens.

Because its completly dependent on the discount, I can't really probe dd to see what she wants to do - in case she decides she desperately wants the scholarship and then she either doesnt get one, or does but the amount is too small.

We've given the bursar some idea of what we can afford (very little!) and that didn't seem to put her off.

The independent seems lovely, nice grounds, confident polite girls, happy, busy etc etc although I know they are good at marketing...

aargh.

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SparklesXYZ · 06/09/2018 10:41

We've just moved our DC from a good state primary to a prep school. One of the many reasons is because of the sport they will do there. At primary school, they did P.E just twice a week, but at prep school, they'll do sport everyday. Sport, from what I've seen, it's taken more seriously at independent schools. (I've taught at state schools and my DH teaches at an independent senior school.) At DH's school, the sports coaches are highly trained, with some ex-olympians. If your DD is being offered a sports scholarship, then that's amazing and a real achievement. I'm sure your DD will make new friends at a new school, too.

MrsPatmore · 06/09/2018 10:41

Mmm, tricky one. I would have her sit the exam and see what happens. In my experience, the bursaries and scholarships varied widely. With ds, I pitched it as having a go and see if something affordable comes up (this was for 11+ entry). He had several good offers but we decided on a state grammar due to journey/social issues. Maybe write a list with pro's/cons re; academics, journey times, opportunities for extra curricular, pastoral care etc. Think hard about any perceived added value and what your daughter wants. There are also opportunities to join independent schools for sixth form.

Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 10:45

There are also opportunities to join independent schools for sixth form

Yes, we could afford this. It just seems a shame to miss out on all the sport and opportunities - the private school just seems to cram so much more into their day!!

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Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 10:45

its single sex - and she really gets on well with boys!

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FlipnTwist · 06/09/2018 10:47

I really don't get this 'sport' thing.Send them to a proper sports clubs for a fraction of the price of private fees-even with bursaries.Also remember the best athletes do not necessarily make the best coaches.Two different skill sets!

Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 10:51

Yes, that's what we do at the moment flip

I wouldn't say her coaches out of school are amazing tbh - they are mainly volunteers of course.

Her sport takes up a huge amount of my time. Its very tempting to think that I'd drop her off and she'd come home having run, swam, played hockey, plus done everything else. There's a really strong team ethos.

The state school...she played one hockey match last year then all the rest were cancelled! They took a team to a local athletics competition - but only boys. Ditto swimming - just a boys team went. Most of the emphasis is on boy's rugby.

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bridgetreilly · 06/09/2018 10:54

You have to. She's old enough to understand about money. But you have to find out what she wants to do. Take her to see the independent school - she might hate it! Talk to her about what she'd be gaining or losing. Explain that even if she wants to go there, there's a good chance it might not be possible, but you'll help her do her best to try for it. But you absolutely can't make this decision for her at this age without involving her fully in it.

sirfredfredgeorge · 06/09/2018 10:55

I can't really probe dd to see what she wants to do

You must do this, she has to be heavily involved in the decision, she is more than old enough, I can't believe you're even pursuing any of it without her knowledge and agreement.

MerryMarigold · 06/09/2018 10:57

I don't understand why you can't ask her whether she'd like to go, depending if you can afford it. She'll know she's sitting a scholarship exam, so don't you need to be upfront that this school is a possibility but only if you can afford it. I would probably only get into deep convos after the exam and make it sound like it is: a great choice between 2 good options. It's just which option she prefers, depending on money.

Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 10:57

Thanks bridget. We are going to use the scholarship day as an opportunity for her to see the school properly. We've discussed it and she seemed really keen over the summer, was training extra hard to try to do well in a particular competition to add to her 'cv'.

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Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 10:58

she does know fred! I just haven't gone on about it

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MerryMarigold · 06/09/2018 10:58

x post with you two above! I guess we all picked up on the same thing.

Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 11:00

yes sorry if that wasn't clear

I asked her in a roundabout way if she'd like to go there and she said yes, we've discussed the issue of a scholarship and how its completely dependent on amounts, that even if they offer her one if it is too little she can't go and that's absolutely no reflection on her. I guess we'll know more after the day itself.

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Mishappening · 06/09/2018 11:04

My children went to an assortment of schools, some state, some private and we concluded that wherever they go there will be some things they like and some they don't, periods when they are happy and periods when they are not, gains and losses - so leave her where she is if she is happy. She just had a brief bad patch - they all do that. Perfection all the time is too much to ask from state or private..

What does she say about it?

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 06/09/2018 11:06

I would take her to visit before the scholarship day to see if she likes it first. I guess it depends on the school and the subject. My DD has 2 scholarships (different subject) and it is really full on. There are huge expectations to fulfil and the reality is we don't get that much off the fees at all but extra lessons. A friend of hers recently had her scholarship taken off her for underperforming. If you can only afford fees with a scholarship, I would think very hard before moving her. There are hidden costs all over the place!

Mishappening · 06/09/2018 11:06

Sorry - missed your last post.

This is a lot of pressure for her.Maybe just leave her be and take this decision from her shoulders. Even by discussing it you arte sowing the seeds in her mind that what she has maybe isn't good enough. Very confusing for her.

Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 11:08

f you can only afford fees with a scholarship, I would think very hard before moving her no, there's a bursary on the table as well.

Thanks all, good points all round.

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Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 11:09

Even by discussing it you arte sowing the seeds in her mind that what she has maybe isn't good enough

no - I have no doubt she will be offered a scholarship - it's whether the amount they discount the fees due to the bursary will make them doable. That's absolutely not down to her which she realises.

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TwoOddSocks · 06/09/2018 11:15

Honestly OP it's so hard to form an opinion without knowing more about your DD and the schools in question.

Obviously the first thing to say (and you probably realise this) is that private definitely doesn't always mean better than state and definitely doesn't mean better match for your child.

However with the sports etc it does sound like the private school ticks a few boxes for your DD.

The things I would want to know would be if she were to get a scholarship what does she have to do to keep it (what if she was no longer performing well in her sport is there a minimum academic requirement that would be stressful for her to keep up)?

How big is the year group? What support is there in place for mental health? How much movement is there out of the school? Do you know any current parents - are there issues e.g., bullying? How do the results compare and to what level do they massage those results (by encouraging lesser academic students to leave or not take up their preferred subjects).

Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 11:18

I know, its hard. No idea whether they massage the results but I do know a friends dd was recommended a different school for 6th form - on the other hand I also know girls in the 6th form doing a clutch of not hugely academic subjects, so it doesn't seem pressured that way.

The state school congratulated 14 students on getting 8 x 7's and over in the GCSEs - thats out of a cohort of about 350 - that didn't seem amazing? Whereas the indie got 50% A and A* equivalent (think they do some IGSCES)

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Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 11:19

Maybe that 14 getting 8 As is good actually - the whole thing is so confusing I've sort of given up looking

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SusanneLinder · 06/09/2018 11:20

Well I would say it depends on what your DD wants or what is best for her.
I did go to a private school and absolutely hated every minute so I'm biased. I didn't get on with the vast majority of the girls there, I found them quite pretentious and materialistic and I totally rebelled and didn't study. School seemed only interested in those who got top grades, and I found it quite a pressurised environment. I could have done better, but I was so unhappy. Mine is an extreme case though, and my parents refused to remove me as they thought I would get a better education...I didn't. I did go to Uni after a few years, but had rejected education post school.
I couldn't afford to send my DD's to private school, and wouldn't have anyway even if I could.
They went to a good state school, did well and all got good degrees.
But as I say, I am biased.I have friends that went to private school and they loved it.

TwoOddSocks · 06/09/2018 11:20

It's so hard to choose OP, from what you've said here I do think I'd go for the private if the finances work out. Do you get a good impression of the school when you look around? Does it seem friendly? Are the students happy to show you around and talk about their school?

Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 11:21

Do you get a good impression of the school when you look around? Does it seem friendly? Are the students happy to show you around and talk about their school? Yes, yes and yes!

I love it, think it looks amazing and everyone was so friendly. But I don't have to go there!!

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Original poster

Miladymilord · 06/09/2018 11:23

I thnk she will do fine academically at the state school. I love the fact its mixed, I love some of the teachers, they are young and cool and energetic. But there's a huge churn - dd is on her fourth matsh teacher in a year - at least 7 teachers left last year.

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