Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over sensitive about pregnancy questions

37 replies

AuntieRock5 · 05/09/2018 23:14

My work colleague has constantly asked me when I’m going to have babies for the last 6 years or so. He is male, married with 4 kids. I’m 39 and got married this year. Not to go into detail but we’ve experienced fertility issues compounded by problems with my womb as a result of a bad colposcopy and have been unable to get pregnant so far - been having specialist treatment. Obviously I have not told my colleagues this as it’s not something I share with people other than my partner and my best friend. It’s clearly a constant worry alongside my age etc.
So basically every time this colleague asks me about babies I just want to scream at him. It really annoys me he always asks.

I feel I may have made it worse for myself because a number of years ago when he asked me I blurted out that I don’t want kids- partly because at the time it was partially true (I was single then and had been through heartbreak- thought I’d stay single) but in large part just to shut him up.

Anyway now I’m married he has been constantly asking me. This week he asked me again in the office, and I finally had enough and told him that I didn’t think he should ask women (including me) these questions because you never know what is going on behind closed doors in the couples life and what pain or hurt you may be triggering by asking- eg if they can’t have children or have experienced miscarriages. His response was that it is normal to ask this, and that his friends ask him when the next one’s due all the time - it’s just “banter”. (I f&£?ing hate that word banter!!!)

I suggested he was viewing things from the position of a MAN who already has loads of kids and it’s totally different for a 40 year old woman. I politely said my womb is my business.

However he STILL disagreed with me and said that it’s normal to ask and he wouldn’t assume the worst if a woman doesn’t have kids...(ie that there’s a medical problem or a sad reason why not).

AIBU?? Over sensitive??

OP posts:
Riotheparrott · 05/09/2018 23:29

I really wish people wouldn't ask others about their family plans. You are right they have no idea what's going on!! You're right to pull him up. I would consider going to speak to a higher manager or Hr if he didn't back off . It's unprofessional

MiamiLogic · 05/09/2018 23:32

YANBU. I think you were very fair in what you said to him this week. Next time it happens maybe try telling him firmly “these questions are upsetting to me for reasons I do not wish to discuss and if you ask me again I will take this further”. If it happens again, HR/manager.

stayathomer · 05/09/2018 23:45

Yanbu He won't stop asking!!!! Saying that it is life that when people are going out people ask when they're getting married, when they get married they're asking when they'll have children. It's just a natural progression in terms of conversation but he should have gotten the hint!

Cat2lady · 05/09/2018 23:50

YANBU, it’s no one else’s business! When you think about it, it’s a really personal question... ‘are you regularly shagging without protection?’.

KIMv · 05/09/2018 23:54

Definitely not over sensitive. It's a question that should never be asked for so many different reasons. Unfortunately we can't control what idiots say, we can only control how we react to them. You've tried explaining, reasoning, getting annoyed, now maybe try (or pretend to) brush it off with a laugh and a "wouldn't you like to know"

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/09/2018 04:30

I think you'd get a better result for you if rather than making out it's a terrible question to ask anyone you just tell him to stop asking and mind his own fucking business, or in some other, less sacking-offense, way let him know it's annoying you.

I can't stand the question but lots of people do actually quite like talking about their family plans and think it's a nice way to bond. I don't think the fact a few people don't like it is a good reason for nobody to ever mention it.

PintOfMineralWater · 06/09/2018 05:30

Can you say something like, "John, you're being really boring. Why are we talking about this again?"

And if he mentions banter, do a head tilt and a puzzled expression and say "I thought banter was supposed to be funny?"

KM99 · 06/09/2018 05:44

Doesn't matter if you are BU or not. You've made your feelings clear to him and he's entirely disrespecting you. Never mind the fact he's trying to negate your opinion and feelings, he's acting entirely inappropriately in the workplace.

I would firmly and calming tell him that while he may entirely disagree with your point of view, he is making you uncomfortable and you want him to stop. If he persists then go to HR.

Needahairbrush · 06/09/2018 05:54

You are correct. If / when he asks again tell him you’re not answering this question again. I agree about going to HR if he continues to pester about it. I think it’s quite odd he’s going on about it so much.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 06/09/2018 05:57

Totally inappropriate. If he does it again go to HR and report him for harassment.

toomanypillows · 06/09/2018 05:57

Ugh. Why do some people think this is any of their business? I think often that people who haven't experienced fertility issues don't necessarily notice how frequent this "banter"can be.
After DH and I were married, we were bombarded every time there was a family event (weddings, christenings etc.) and by some people over and over again. My DM's SIL was the worst - she kept phrasing it as "crack on- your poor mum wants to be a granny." I would always politely divert the subject until several years in after a failed and final IVF attempt (which she didn't know about of course) when I was feeling particularly vulnerable, I just responded with "well I would love to make her a granny, thanks, but after 10 years and 3 failed treatments it looks like it's not going to happen."
She was taken aback and I thought it had stopped but each time I saw her after that, she would enquire about how it was going and even asked which one of us had the problem.

What I'm trying to say is that some people are so thick skinned they don't realise how raw this can be and even when called out cannot fathom why it should bother you, when it doesn't bother their sister/wife/friend/cousin etc. So you were absolutely NOT BU and i think as this is at work, you would be perfectly in your rights to escalate this

It's so bloody personal!

We do have a family now, as we eventually adopted two DC but everyone thinks that's their business too 😂😂
Good luck on your journey

Cherrysherbet · 06/09/2018 06:15

He's an idiot op. I hate the whole 'banter' thing too. Just an excuse for people to goad and take the piss out of others.

YANBU

actualpuffins · 06/09/2018 06:25

I just want to scream at him.

Then do. I'd have given him thorough bollocking in front of everyone six years ago. Bloody hell woman. Start standing up for yourself.

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2018 06:25

Yanbu
It's really inappropriate in a work environment, and wrong generally, for anyone to be asking you this. If he carries on then consider raising it with your manager if they're supportive or HR

user1493413286 · 06/09/2018 06:30

Well done for saying something! I’m very careful now about asking people about having children; basically I only ask my close friends as I now realise it can be a painful question. However in the past when the concept of fertility difficulties and miscarriages were not forefront in my mind I probably asked people without thinking

BellMcEnd · 06/09/2018 06:34

What a dreadful man, OP. He’s clearly incredibly arrogant and thick skinned to continue even though you’ve asked him to stop. It is none of his damned business!

Does he ask in front of other people? You could try asking him why he’s so fascinated with your sex life in a puzzled manner, or, as pps have said, go to HR as it’s incredibly inappropriate and insensitive.

Good luck.

SerenDippitty · 06/09/2018 06:38

YANBU, it is none of his business. Tell him so. If he does it again ask him when he is going to have his nose operated on so it doesn’t stick into other people’s business.

anatalia · 06/09/2018 06:39

YANBU, YANBU, YANBU

Foslady · 06/09/2018 06:45

Definitely HR.
If he still persists ask him when he’s having Vasectomy or his lobotomy, or his piles worked on. When he gets arsey (they’ve always do) justvtell him it’s only ‘banter’ - ugh

LoniceraJaponica · 06/09/2018 06:49

You are definitely not being over sensitive. He, on the other hand, is being crass, rude and insensitive.

I hate it when people cover up this kind of stuff as "banter". It clearly isn't.

You could repond and ask him when his wife is going to stop popping them out and when he is going to get a vasectomy. Although you may not want to stoop to his level.

NotTakenUsername · 06/09/2018 06:50

He won’t ask again.
You put him in his place and his twattish response was simply to save face. I bet he is suitably mortified and never mentions it again.
Well done.

Booboostwo · 06/09/2018 07:01

I’d go to HR about this and meanwhile I would repeat “Your questions are inappropriate”.

Pinkprincess1978 · 06/09/2018 07:12

We should all be more aware of this topic of conversation and to repeatedly ask a woman especially but men can be sensitive too, who doesn't have children if/when they will have them in incredibly insensitive.

I met my DH at work so our former colleagues were very invested in our life. I made the mistake when we got married of saying we planned to try for a baby in x number of years. So that time came and everyone knew we were trying. I had one colleague who must have had it in her diary to ask because almost every month without fail she would ask me just after I had got my period if we were pregnant yet 😡 this went on for a year.

backaftera2yearbreak · 06/09/2018 07:16

You could take the Scottish approach.

“Get tae fuck you nosey cunt”

I’m sorry your having issues. I hope you find peace with whatever the future brings x

Merryoldgoat · 06/09/2018 07:27

He sounds like a cunt.