AIBU over sensitive about pregnancy questions

[AuntieRock5]

My work colleague has constantly asked me when I’m going to have babies for the last 6 years or so. He is male, married with 4 kids. I’m 39 and got married this year. Not to go into detail but we’ve experienced fertility issues compounded by problems with my womb as a result of a bad colposcopy and have been unable to get pregnant so far - been having specialist treatment. Obviously I have not told my colleagues this as it’s not something I share with people other than my partner and my best friend. It’s clearly a constant worry alongside my age etc.
So basically every time this colleague asks me about babies I just want to scream at him. It really annoys me he always asks.

I feel I may have made it worse for myself because a number of years ago when he asked me I blurted out that I don’t want kids- partly because at the time it was partially true (I was single then and had been through heartbreak- thought I’d stay single) but in large part just to shut him up.

Anyway now I’m married he has been constantly asking me. This week he asked me again in the office, and I finally had enough and told him that I didn’t think he should ask women (including me) these questions because you never know what is going on behind closed doors in the couples life and what pain or hurt you may be triggering by asking- eg if they can’t have children or have experienced miscarriages. His response was that it is normal to ask this, and that his friends ask him when the next one’s due all the time - it’s just “banter”. (I f&£?ing hate that word banter!!!)

I suggested he was viewing things from the position of a MAN who already has loads of kids and it’s totally different for a 40 year old woman. I politely said my womb is my business.

However he STILL disagreed with me and said that it’s normal to ask and he wouldn’t assume the worst if a woman doesn’t have kids...(ie that there’s a medical problem or a sad reason why not).

AIBU?? Over sensitive??

He's a dick. Report him to HR if he doesn't stop because your womb IS your business.

Sorry you're having issues, fx it all works out for you. X

I had nonsense like that from a couple of colleagues. It's really difficult because you don't want to have to talk about something that is so personal but they kind of force you into a corner. This man is worse than insensitive. Thing is, he is not your friend so even if such banter was appropriate between friends it is not between colleagues. I agree with the HR route as it's gone on for too long. He is aggressively asking about and thereby invading ýour personal life.

Log the incidents you recall. If he does it again then follow up with a 'i have asked you not do ask this many times' email and go to HR.

People this intrusive need to be squashed.

What an arse. Time for a trip to HR.

Just ask him when are you going to have a vasectomy EVERY day until it starts pissing him off

I hate this. After I had DS I was constantly asked 'So, when are you having another?'. It's an uncomfortable question and its not anyone else's business! I was ttc for 6 years with no luck and every time the question was asked it just reminded me of the fact that it wasn't happening.

It's not an acceptable question and YANBU

I have personally always wanted children, and as soon as i moved in with DP (now DH) everybody who come into contact with me asked about kids - at this point i would laugh and say "definitely one day" and wasnt offended... anyway we got married 2 years ago and TTC straight after honeymoon, I miscarried 3 times and during these heartbraking times was being asked more than ever about having babies.. or having comments like "thought you 2 would of had one by now" ... after my second MC i decided the best way to deal with people was honesty - it shut them up pretty quick.

Im happy to say im 23 weeks pregnant with what looks like a very healthy baby after discovering taking a small dose of aspirin each day is my way to succeed.

Good luck with your TTC... the man you work with is a twit, and as you said has obviously not experienced any fertility issues. Tell him straight and if he carries on go to HR sod it!

I think if people havent had issues, the question doesnt seem insensitive and i half understand that initially but they should be kind and intelligent enough that if it is flagged up as an uncomfortable or sensitive subject they should quit it and say sorry.
xx

I hate this too. It is normal and fine to inwardly speculate but asking just puts the person asking and the person answering in an unwelcome position.

I've been getting asked on a regular basis now when I am going to have another, poor X needs a sibling.

1. There is nothing wrong with having an only child (or no children)
2. I got rushed into hospital by ambulance after losing my second baby at home at 14.5 weeks and had to go for an operation because my womb had filled with blood clots. It was traumatic. I don't wish to discuss this trauma on the street or at work. Discussing it can trigger flashbacks. Apart from the discomfort brings me it can make people squeamish, awkward and weird if I go into these details.
3. you are basically asking someone if they are having unprotected sex and that is just rude.

Thanks everyone. He has now said he understands what I am saying but doesn't see it the same way. However he says he will not mention it again.

So victory I guess! Although it's annoying he still didn't get my point and sort of made me feel slightly like I was over-reacting - but as someone has said he is obviously thick skinned (twat).

I do wish this etiquette was clearer and more widely broadcast somehow. Everyone on this thread has said they think its wrong and yet every one of us has experienced this numerous times.

@AuntieRock5 he sounds like one of those people who you will never get full victory with as they will never let anybody else "win" ... they are always right in their eyes which is annoying but your obviously a better person and will let it go. I hope he sticks to his word and doesn't mention it again, its just a reminder of your situation when your in a not great one in regards to fertility.

He really is one of the worlds many twats :)

I think it should be taught from a younger age about complications of pregnancy and how much of a sensitive subject it can be, everybody is brought up with sex ed what basically tells you when ever you have un protected sex you will get pregnant!!! ...

Good luck with everything, i hope you get your rainbow baby soon.

He's completely insensitive and rude. I also suspect he wouldn't keep hassling a man about it.

If he mentions again say you are not interested in his opinion or whether he sees it the same way or not. The state of your uterus is none of his fucking business and if he mentions it again you will make a formal complaint to HR.

And as a friendly warning, you can guarantee that nearly all other women feel the same way about this, so if he is pestering other people with the same sort of inappropriate questions and comments, he should fucking stop it right now.