AIBU to consider ending my marriage

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We've been together 18 years. 2 kids (8 months and 12 years).

He leaves for work around 11am and gets home somewhere around 1-2am. In the mornings he obviously needs some sleep. Today was a day off and he got called into work, but I don't think he had to. I overheard "yeah try Linda, but if not, I can come in". Well, he couldn't. We were out finally taking care of some errands and afterwards heading for something to eat. He wasn't free. He had plans.

He's in hotel management, btw. His work isn't life and death.

This has been going on for years. Our oldest doesn't have much of a relationship with him. They don't see each other enough. The baby is too young to know the difference yet.

He doesn't have evenings or weekends. Ever. No public holidays. Birthdays, Easter etc -- never at home.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Thing is, he had the opportunity to quit it all and be at home with us. He was changing jobs but I had a well-paid job at the time working from home, more money than his new job paid. He could've just not taken the new job and stayed at home. But he had to take the job he said, he really wanted it, and I didn't want to get in the way of someone's dream job so I quit my work and let him go. The baby was young so I couldn't commit to the contract without any childcare help (no family here). One of us had to sacrifice.

Am I being unreasonable to be so resentful? I don't know how to look at him and not be upset that he chose work over us. Over me, and over a relationship with his son. He had a moan to me earlier about lack of sex and affection, and I just think, it's not something I can switch on in the 5 minutes I see him? He doesn't feel like my husband. He's the guy who shows up in my house for a little bit each day.

I've been googling "job ended our marriage" and relating to so much of it. Am I being stupid?

this may sound obvious, but try talking to him.then you could try marriage counselling. i wish you all the best x

We do talk about it all the time. I explain how I feel. We make plans for all these changes. Within a week it's back to this.

I'm an effort not to dripfeed I should add--

He had an affair 4 years ago, while we were trying for a baby. He worked a lot then, but not as much as now. He had time for her.

I do t think you’re being stupid at all. I gave up continuing with working in a job that demanded long hours and occasional weekend work, so that my husband could continue his uninterrupted. He’s nothing but grateful that he can work freely without stressing about commitments at home, equally he makes sure that in his down time that i can get a break too and we take turns with having one on one with a child our giving the other partner some child free time.
It’s a marriage, it’s about working together.

Does he need to work so much to compensate for the lack of your larger income that you could be earning instead?
Do you think he’s too proud to be a stay at home parent? Maybe thinking that because he has a penis he should be the earner?

Op, I think it’s the fact he could find time for another woman that has made you feel like this. And no wonder.
You need something for yourself which make you feel more valid and hopefully make him see you in a new light.
I suggest you get some childcare and start building up your life outside the home again. It will give you more to talk about, make you feel better, develop your skills so if you do decide to leave, you will already be part way to independence, and you shouldn’t be worse off.
Time to put yourself first.

Just read the bit about his affair. Definitely sort out getting back your work, find childcare. If you can work at home could an au pair be an option?
Get your financial independence back and give him an ultimatum. Sounds like you and the children have nothing to lose here.

You're not being stupid.
However, leaving your well paid job for a man who cheated on you wasn't the best decision ever.

I'd hazard a guess and wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating now as well.

Bloody hell, why are you with him? He sounds like a complete turnip

Is he definitely at work the whole time? Affair aside, he needs work life balance. Most jobs can easily replace an employee, you only get one dad, and it's so sad your kids are missing out on a relationship. And for you too. I don't really know what to advise tbh, do you trust him? Do you love him? Do you see yourself happier on your own?

He's 100% not cheating now. I do know that without a doubt.

Marriage counseling isn't possible. When would we/he have the time? Between work and sleep he's around for about 10 minutes a week it feels like.

I don't know what to do about childcare and getting my work back. I wouldn't be making that money again overnight. I'd have to build it from scratch again. No room for an au pair in our little box house and I can't afford childminder/nanny. We live in an expensive area. I wouldn't be comfortable with nursery just yet (baby has certain issues and is very highly strung so idk if the nursery environment would work for him either -- he needs one-to-one care at the moment).

I know it sounds like I'm defeatist but I'm really not. Of course I want something to change. I just don't know the best way to do it without something or someone else suffering.

Do you have to stay on the area? Depending on the area you might find 10/15 miles would make a difference and your older child could look at buses to his school.

If you left him you would only need a 2 bed flat to start with. You could be sahm for 18 months or so and then your baby would probably get a funds place at nursery. He would have to pay child maintenance and you would have that on top of your benefits.

It doesn't sound like a good life.

Alternatively just stay with him for the next 18 months but ale plans to leave. I know I will probably get flamed for saying that but 18 months isn't so long to stay put.

The thing is I'm not entirely sure I want to end my marriage. I love him and he loves me. But he's a workaholic. It started a few years ago and hasn't let up. He doesn't know how to be anything except a man obsessed with putting in a perfect performance.

The affair thing is a separate issue. I'm not sure I should've mentioned it here, as it's not really relevant. It was a brief affair and he was cropped with remorse after it, and we moved on. I mentioned it so as to present all the facts of our relationship.

Maybe I don't know what advice I'm looking for. I feel like the best thing to do is to walk away. I could manage on my own. I'm actually in a field where, if given the chance, I can make many thousands each month. I would probably be better off on my own, as he would be forced to find time to have the kids a couple times a week, and I'd get that uninterrupted time to work.

Nothing of our current situation is motivated by money. He works like this because he's addicted to it, not because it's necessary for our survival.

I'm a mess and talking all over the place. I know. I'm sorry. I'm still reeling from him disappearing off to work this afternoon when he finally had some time to spend with me and the kids. What am I supposed to do with a man like this? I can't tell a person not to work, can I?

*CRIPPLED with remorse.

Now the baby is older can you start work again and get childcare?

And if you sit down, tell him honestly how you feel and that you will leave him if nothing changes...what will he say?

I’m gonna be honest here but regarding getting marriage therapy it sounds like neither of you have the real wish to put in the time. This will sound harsh but you do sound defeated but I don’t blame you. I really don’t.

Anyway, he obviously values his work and working life above his wife and family. And as bald as this sounds either you stop going round and round about this and both commit to seeing someone to make the change.

You will know for sure the state of play if you need to drag him there kicking and screaming.

You will also know if he just can’t ever “get the time”. Don’t forget many therapists now offer Skype sessions too.

I wish you luck.

If you told him you were thinking of ending your marriage what would his reaction be?

You seem fed up of constantly picking up the pieces and being taken for granted. I don't blame you. In your situation I think I would leave him. I can't imagine wasting my working years on this man who keeps you bottom of the list.

He doesn't love you OP. If he did he would want to spend time with you. He doesn't love you. He likes the idea of having a wife/nanny. Once you accept he doesn't love you it will be simpler to make a decision.

You're right, of course. I suppose I'm in that headspace of not being bothered to try, because how many times can we agree to make changes? We've done everything from blazing rows to sitting down and making an action plan. What can a therapist tell us? I've packed my bags half a dozen times in recent years. I've spent a night at a friend's, a night at a hotel. I've made him leave for a night or two. I've done the "this is it, I'm not living like this anymore" speech too many times. I've cried. He's cried. He's made grand promises.

Work calls...

If I told him I was thinking of leaving, I don't think he'd truly believe me. I'm afraid I've become the boy that cried wolf about this now. I've made a grand show of leaving too many times, and I'm still here.

This makes it sound like he controls me in some way. He honestly doesn't. If I were to put a label of "boss" in our house, it would be me. Our problem isn't the way he treats me in any way other than he simply does not have time for me/us/kids. When he does, he's great. Which obviously is an oxymoron, because how can he be great if I'm having to vent on the internet like this? Sigh.

Again here is the harshness but....

Sometimes going to counselling can give your marriage a “managed end”.

It almost allows for a prompt realisation that it’s over to be managed over the space of one or two sessions and can allow both parties to just end it for x,y or z reason in a “safe” space where both of you get on board with the reality your marriage has finished.

It happened to a friend of mine and it almost happened to me but I pulled out of the counselling when I walked out on DH leaving him in no doubt we were donez

*done

Even

Never allow your ability to be independent financially be taken away by a partner. Never.

Your partner doesn't prioritise you, your older child and will not do so for your baby. Personally I would want better for them and wanting that would mean better for myself.

You aren't sufficiently angry yet. It won't change and you will eventually be but you may have wasted years of you and your childrens lives.

Put you and your children first. That doesn't mean leave him but it does mean changing things. The things YOU can change.

Why are you defining your happy entirely around this one other person? You have two children, including a baby who likely needs a lot of time, financial security, and the ability to spend most days with your children as you wish. How this isn't a "good life" is beyond me.

If you split up, you'll both be in a far worse situation - families are good for this sort of thing, one day you two will get the spark back, but for now enjoy your time with the children in the relative comfort you seem to have.

Sorry, @busybarbara , before I make a tit of myself, can I make sure I'm understanding you? My judgement is probably clouded right now. Are you saying:

1. I have a good life. A comfortable life.
2. This is best for my kids.
3. I should accept this life and wait for the spark to come back.

Right? Or am I reading this backwards?

How dare this woman look to feel loved and valued by her DH, eh @busybarbara

Bloody hell, she’ll be wanting the vote next, jaysis

Ultimately, you know the full details of your situation and we don't, so I'm just going on limited info. Ordinarily I'd say sit down with him and draw some firm lines around what you both want and stick to it, but you say he's unable to do this. He does not sound like he is going to change quickly.

BUT.. he also doesn't sound like a total pain to live with and his absence may be lemons to make lemonade out of. Hobbies, children, etc. I don't think your marriage sounds ideal but if it's merely dull, I think it can be an opportunity to focus on the other parts of your life instead and ride it out unless being in a whirlwind romance with an ideal partner is a high priority.

Of course, that's all just about you. The kids? Plenty of kids have had vacant fathers over the years. Is rarely seeing your dad and going along with the image that he's slaving away for the family better than having no dad at home at all? I think so, but that's a very personal opinion.