AIBU to consider ending my marriage

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We've been together 18 years. 2 kids (8 months and 12 years).

He leaves for work around 11am and gets home somewhere around 1-2am. In the mornings he obviously needs some sleep. Today was a day off and he got called into work, but I don't think he had to. I overheard "yeah try Linda, but if not, I can come in". Well, he couldn't. We were out finally taking care of some errands and afterwards heading for something to eat. He wasn't free. He had plans.

He's in hotel management, btw. His work isn't life and death.

This has been going on for years. Our oldest doesn't have much of a relationship with him. They don't see each other enough. The baby is too young to know the difference yet.

He doesn't have evenings or weekends. Ever. No public holidays. Birthdays, Easter etc -- never at home.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Thing is, he had the opportunity to quit it all and be at home with us. He was changing jobs but I had a well-paid job at the time working from home, more money than his new job paid. He could've just not taken the new job and stayed at home. But he had to take the job he said, he really wanted it, and I didn't want to get in the way of someone's dream job so I quit my work and let him go. The baby was young so I couldn't commit to the contract without any childcare help (no family here). One of us had to sacrifice.

Am I being unreasonable to be so resentful? I don't know how to look at him and not be upset that he chose work over us. Over me, and over a relationship with his son. He had a moan to me earlier about lack of sex and affection, and I just think, it's not something I can switch on in the 5 minutes I see him? He doesn't feel like my husband. He's the guy who shows up in my house for a little bit each day.

I've been googling "job ended our marriage" and relating to so much of it. Am I being stupid?

@busybarbara

But what am I getting from it? What are the kids getting from it? He would be forced to make time for his children if we separated, because right now he has the luxury of seeing them as and when he can squeeze in a few minutes. He would actively need to make them a priority or risk having them completely erased from his life (and he definitely wouldn't want that).

I'm getting no marital benefits. No support at home. His salary isn't setting our world alight -- in fact, we're probably having a bit of a struggle, financially. I'm feeling resentful and bitter every day. I have everything on my shoulders, and he just works. Another bit of info I should've included at the beginning (apologies, dripfeeding) is that due to my son's mental health, I'm having to homeschool him currently. I do that all alone, every day. I look after a high-needs baby. I run this house. I'm trying, recently, to insert a little time for my own work, just a bit, so I don't completely vanish from the industry. I'm alone with it all, with everything, in a country without my family, and he just works.

I really just don't understand how this is better than the alternative. If we're separated, he will have to make an effort. He will no longer be able to take it all for granted.

None of it had to be this way. We could've all been at home together, sharing the load. I would've worked, yes, but normal hours, maybe even less. And right there at the kitchen table, with hours to suit me and our needs. I have no boss. Entirely self-employed.

(And I guess, if nothing else, I'm answering my own original question.)

I've been on the verge of divorce for the past few months, and we are giving it one final shot. However, it sounds like your husband needs a shock in order to change his mindset. (I shocked my hubby 2 weeks ago by pulling up 2 pics of his erect penis, which had been sent to someone around the time of my son's christening, and that someone wasn't me. I found these by chance, 2 years later.)

Anyway, at that moment he realised shit was getting real. I had my solicitor appointment ready. I was ready to separate within our house, and draw up a childcare timetable. He's got lucky this one time, he was just feeling "neglected" (as often happens when we are looking after our babies) but he is on his last chance. So even if you love him, don't want to leave him, you have to prove you're willing to follow through with an ultimatum if he doesn't change. And if I were you, I would be looking for well paid work, saving up over time and making an exit strategy, because you never know when you might need it. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if you're unhappy, things won't change unless you make them xx

I understand the crippling loneliness of living with a workaholic. I remember one week I ate by myself all week and then on the Saturday he went to football and text to ask if it was ok to stay out with the lads. I had lost my mum that year and just felt so alone. I think in someways it feels worse than being single because you are free to start a fulfilling relationship.

I did sort it out with him he’s a lovely husband. We have had 3 children since and he’s changed his job from a corporate business to a family owned business and work life balance is loads better. He had to see there was a problem.

Please try and get a nanny for yourself to go back to work, if you can make thousands it’s crazy that you’re living like this !!

I once did a job I was passionate about, to the point it was the focus of my life, but I had no home life. All my friends pretty much gave up trying to spend time with me.

DH eventually gave me an ultimatum, job or him & DS.

I chose DH&DS and it's the best thing I ever did.

At the time I resented him but looking back I realise how hard things were for them and that I needed that intervention or I was going to become a very lonely, middle aged workaholic.

Talk to him

(And I guess, if nothing else, I'm answering my own original question.)

I think that's valuable. The picture you paint in your latest comment is a lot more specific than the first few where it read more like ennui than despair to me.

Maybe it's time you really laid the cards on the table and be very clear about what the repercussions of a no show will be. Good luck.

No I'd have ended it four years ago when you found out about his affair!

He would be forced to make time for his children if we separated

^;true.

And remember a trial separation doesnt necessarily mean divorce. It may give you both a different perspective on what your marriage means. I can't see what your kids get out of staying tbh.

He had a moan to me earlier about lack of sex and affection

Don't you have to be present to get sex and affection. If he is at work all the time how does he expect to get any.

Lots of good advice already. I'd echo things won't change unless you make them.

You don't sound ready to leave. MC might help you both see that neither of you are willing to give any more to the marriage. That would at least be a start out of limbo. If he's too busy for MC then you have literally done all you can. Time then to move on.

Oh I wonder if the moaning about affection might be him trying to open up and deep down he's missing the connection with you but just dealing with it in a shitty resentful way?

Doesn't sound like he's given up but you both need to be willing to do some work here and I think you need prof help.

There's been a development. I'll update shortly.

Are you sure he is a workaholic? It sounds like family life is stressful. Is he simply opting out of the hard stuff and using work as an excuse? I think he may be hiding behind his work leaving you to take the strain.

X post

You cannot get the time missed, back with kids. He will regret not having that relationship. You are a single parent now as he is physically and mentally elsewhere. Something needs to change. Sounds like that is his job to save your marriage.

Okay so I ended up laying it all out to him in a text. He can't take calls at work and I didn't want to spend the whole evening with it all bottled up in me, so I texted it to him. Which is, obviously, the most mature thing to do. :/

Anyway, he read it, and then he didn't respond, and every minute that passed had me more and more furious. Like, he can't even find 30 seconds to at least acknowledge me pouring my heart out to him? I was pretty much done by that point.

An hour later, he showed up at the door (he works an hour away). Our oldest was still up, so we had a weird stilted don't-make-a-scene half hour of oh hello, how was work, how are the kids, did you have a nice dinner, is there anything good on the telly... Honestly, it was painful.

Kid finally goes to bed (earlier than usual, so I think he sensed something), and husband and I sit down at the kitchen table like we're about to have a board meeting. Basically, he's handing in his notice by the end of the week. He says he's been feeling shit about everything but didn't know what to do, he knew our constant rows lately were only going to get worse, he misses me and the kids, he didn't want to lose the bond with the baby, he's knackered, etc. He was afraid I'd see him as a quitter because he made such a show of wanting this new high-powered job at this fancy famous hotel even though he knew the workload and commitment would ramp right up. After all that and the sacrifice he made he didn't think he could say to me, actually, I don't want to do it anymore, sorry about that.

He has a little wine selling side business he wants to make a good go of, and he wants me to do the work I want to do. He doesn't know how it's going to feel for him long term. He is definitely a workaholic and, as he says, he's worked nonstop since he was 14 (he's 40 now). He's never in his entire career even taken a sick day. He doesn't know who he is without work or how he'll manage. It'll be a big change for all of us, and probably a new challenge. We'll see.

I'm terrified of suddenly being the main breadwinner after all these years, but also for the first time in ages quite excited about life.

This is not how I thought the night would end!!

Well that is a turn up. I think it is a good thing as the job was coming at too high a price.

Excellent update op! Very promising:-)

That's brilliant OP. You heard each other.

Keep communicating.

Every time one of us 'moans' our MC has suggested we ask "what is the message you are really trying to tell me here?" and see if we can get away from resentments and be braver with our emotional vulnerability. It's bloody hard work this MC stuff!

What a great update :). I hope it works for you two (and the children).

Wow, that's fantastic! Looks like you're on track for a happy ending!

Bloody hell what a fantastic update!

I’m so pleased for you both

Brilliant!! Great update op