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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

argument about bullying with DD

32 replies

Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2018 08:50

A girl at school has an issue with DD; they have been good friends for about 4 years. DD has done nothing wrong, and can't understand why this girl is behaving this way (blocked her on social media etc.) Back at school this week DD was a bit concerned about how this would play out as they share several classes.
When I collected DD last night, I asked her how it went, she said it was awkward, and is planning to talk with this girl in private today. She said that other girls were telling her they can't understand why this other girl is being so unreasonable. I told her that although I know she has done nothing wrong, she needs to be careful about how this is all playing out, as the other girl may feel there is bullying going on if other girls are siding with DD. This is the argument, she says she isn't being bullied as nobody is saying anything to her directly, I tried to explain that bullying isn't just saying and doing things to someone, it can be done indirectly. She wasn't having any of it, and a heated discussion ensued about what bullying was.
When we got home, I googled covert bullying, and put a copy in front of her, telling her to read it. I was going out, so we didn't have time to discuss it.
When I got home DH said she had spoken to him and told him we had had a difference of opinion and I had over reacted. I was seething, and told him there was no difference of opinion; she had an opinion, I had facts!
AIBU to want to continue this discussion with DD?

Sorry for the length of this post

OP posts:
Stefoscope · 05/09/2018 09:56

It sounds like your daughter's being sensible to try having a word with the girl in private, hopefully that will smooth things over. I think it's fair that your DD's other friends told her they can't understand why this friend is ignoring her. I'm not sure having an isolated conversation like that is bullying. If they were making unpleasant comments about the girl or laughing about her behind her back, then yes that would be.

Obviously it's a situation that has the potential to escalate, so it's fair enough to warn her to be careful how to broach the subject, but printing out articles seems a little OTT at this stage. Did you suggest how she could try to sort out the situation?

seesensepeople · 05/09/2018 10:07

You don't say how old your DD is but I'd hazard teens. She was "concerned" before going back to school and found the situation "awkward". She would benefit from support in this situation in three areas:

  1. How to remain confident in her self even though someone she considered a friend has blocked her
  2. With suggestions of how to shape the conversation with this girl, e.g. asking if she's done anything to offend her or asking if anything is wrong in/out of school, and emphasising the importance of not getting into tit for tat arguments,
  3. Discussing the importance of not involving a whole friendship group in siding against one person - be that you DD or the other girl involved.
Hopefully it will all blow over but if not then knowing how to avoid a descent into the bitchiness of teen cliques will help her more than thinking she can't talk to you or she might be accused of bullying the other girl.
FedupMumma2 · 05/09/2018 10:14

OP, you sound like a mum who is concerned about their DD, but I think (and I'm sorry to say it), you don't sound like the grown up here! Does it really matter what the dictionary definition of bullying is? Do you have to be 'right'? And 'win' the argument??? The most important thing is you and DD discussing the difficulties with the other girl, not whether it's called this or that or fits this or that definition. Stop arguing wth her otherwise she might stop taking to you about this important stuff

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2018 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringSnow · 05/09/2018 10:45

You should be backing your kid 100% other people's aren't your responsibility.

NorthEndGal · 05/09/2018 10:46

I think you are over invested. Let her sort her own shit out, and if she needs you to step up, she can come to you then.
Acting as you are now is a sure fire way to stop her coming to you in the future, if she thinks you won't listen or will over react

AjasLipstick · 05/09/2018 10:52

I think that it's best to not try to understand all of the moires of their relationship. You can't possibly know the dynamic since you're not in school with them all day.

I do see your point though. This other girl may be trying to "break free" of what might have become an unhealthy friendship for her.

I did the same aged 13 with a girl who'd been my best friend for 6 years. I just "dumped her" because she somehow held me back and stopped me from socialising with others.

JellyBaby666 · 05/09/2018 10:58

I think its a bit of an overreaction to say her asking her friends 'do you know whats going on with Stacey?' is covert bullying! She needs your compassion and support, teenage friendships (I assumed her age, sorry if I'm wrong) are so hard.

Original poster
Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2018 11:46

The reason I am concerned, is that if all the girls are siding with my DD, the other girl could believe my DD is the instigator of a low level bullying campaign, which she isn't, They are 15. I am totally behind DD having a private conversation with the other girl, sensible & mature.

BUT, I also think it's important for people to understand that bullying is just doing and saying nasty things to someone's face, covert bullying can undermine someone's self esteem very easily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2018 11:51

Isn't just doing and saying!

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 05/09/2018 12:07

The fact that you say you were seething, because they didn't agree with you, says you are way too involved.

MrMeSeeks · 05/09/2018 12:08

I dont think anything you’ve described is covert bullying and i agree with your dd

titchy · 05/09/2018 12:40

You should absolutely continue the discussion with your dd, so YANBU in wanting to do that.

I suggest you start with apologising to her...

Covert bullying is when person, for no reason, manipulates a group into excluding another person. Your dd is NOT manipulating her friends into doing anything - they are just being her friend and are as bemused asa she is by the actions of this other girl. That's NOT covert bullying ffs.

Quartz2208 · 05/09/2018 13:00

You both have an opinion - what covert bullying in you are right is a fact. Whether it applies to this situation is an opinion, your daughter believes no you believe it is.

At the moment I am on your daughters side she is not bullying this girl at all.

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2018 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 05/09/2018 13:08

Your daughter seems mature and wants to find out what is going on, surely that is better than the alternative of sniping and gossiping. You need to trust your daughter to do the right thing here, and if the girl doesn't want to be friends anymore then your dd will need to accept that.

Stefoscope · 05/09/2018 13:08

'The reason I am concerned, is that if all the girls are siding with my DD, the other girl could believe my DD is the instigator of a low level bullying campaign, which she isn't'.

The other girl may think this, but if it's not the case, then she's in the wrong isn't she? You can't live life worrying to this extent what other people may think, trying to second guess people's thoughts and actions.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 05/09/2018 13:10

I can see your point but I think you should now leave your DD to deal with things her way. You have told her what you think, you can't force her to agree. Hopefully they will all sort things out and it'll all be forgotten in a week.

MrsJayy · 05/09/2018 13:10

And they can all move on without too much drama,

Original poster
Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2018 13:30

You are right, currently I don't believe anyone is being bullied. I trust my daughter to sort this out, they will either go back to being friends or not. I was just trying to point out the pitfalls of girls, whose actions she has no control over, becoming over invested in this situation. The question if what constitutes bullying or not is outwith her situation. All I was trying to do was explain that not all bullying behaviour is obvious.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 05/09/2018 13:39

Ime of parenting girls (now women) their friendships can be really intense and you just wanted your dd to protect herself but at 15 we know nothing and they know everything you just need to back down and let it play out.

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2018 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NonaGrey · 05/09/2018 13:41

So this started off with your teenage DD having a problem, discussing it openly with you and telling you her (sensible) plan for dealing with it and end up with you “seething” and slapping Internet articles on her desk...

Hmm

Be very cautious or you won’t be hearing about the next problem.

I don’t necessarily disagree with you that your DD should be aware that “perception” can trump facts regarding this kind of situation but at the same time if one person behaves badly there are natural consequences for how everyone else reacts to that behaviour.

Your DD isn’t responsible for the consequences to this other girl and you need to be very, very careful that you don’t even tacitly suggest she is.

As a teenager I didn’t report the boy who assaulted me because I was told by others I’d ruin his future prospects. Those were his consequences and not my responsibility.

Be careful not to set your DD down a path of victim blaming. Consequences for bad behaviour lie with the perpetrator not the victim.

titchy · 05/09/2018 14:07

currently I don't believe anyone is being bullied.

But you just slapped the definition of covert bullying on her desk - that is EXACTLY what this girl is doing to your dd.

Original poster
Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2018 14:19

If my dd doesn't know that not all bullying is obvious, she could be in a situation that she doesn't recognise as bullying, malicious gossip, untrue rumours, even blocking on social media, so yes, I do recognise this other girl's behaviour could be construed as such. I was just trying to protect my daughter from possible accusations from this other girl, through no fault of DDs.

OP posts: