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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking DS to a funeral

46 replies

Eminybob · 05/09/2018 05:51

More of a WWYD than an AIBU

DS has started reception this week on half days. Due to childcare DH and I have arranged some holidays, but MIL is helping us out by picking him up at lunchtime on Friday.
I’m incredibly grateful for this, it has really helped us.

However yesterday she told me that a friend of hers had died and the funeral is on Friday afternoon. She didn’t ask if we could find alternative childcare, she loves looking after DS and is always happy to help, but she did tell me she was going to take him to the funeral. She said she would just stand at the back of the church and not go to the wake afterwards.

I didn’t really say anything at the time, it’s taken a while to process in my pregnant brain, but I just don’t feel happy about this.

I don’t think a funeral is the right place for a 4 year old, he’s never been to one before, he’s recently started asking questions about death and when mummy and daddy are going to die Hmm and I am concerned that this may increase these questions and worries he has.

So AIBU to feel this way?
And WWYD? I know I can’t ask MIL not to go to the funeral, so should I just ask her not to have him that day and have to try and take emergency dependents leave (or DH to do this- it’s difficult for me as My work involves pre-booked customer meetings) Or just let her go with him because I’m just being daft?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2018 05:53

Also, it would be better for MIL to not have DS that day so that she can actually go to the funeral properly if that’s what she wants to do. Although she would never suggest that as she adores DS, wants to spend as much time as possible with him and would hate to let us down.

OP posts:
Srsly · 05/09/2018 05:57

I wouldn't really be comfortable with my DS going to this either. Like you said, it might increase worries and concerns. Also starting school is a big thing and I wouldn't be keen to throw strange new experiences into the mix during such a time of change. Not if it could be helped.

That said, I'd explain this nicely to your mum and say you'll take leave instead as you understand she needs to go herself.

Theworldisfullofgs · 05/09/2018 05:57

It's up to you. My dd went to a funeral when she was 4. She was fine and it was a family friend. Children are more robust than most people think and I've always been up front about answering questions. Mine are 16 and 12 now and ds's favourite sport is to ask embarrassing things.
My children went to funerals of relatives and friends so that might make it different.

Ultimately it's up to you and you know your ds best.

runsmidgeOMG · 05/09/2018 05:57

Aww OP I get your concern re: DC thinking about death and potentially getting anxious about it BUT I'd also say your MIL has suggested a good compromise. She's literally showing her face and in a quiet enough spot away from the "action" to answer any questions your DS has. She gets to pay her last respects whilst still providing childcare and seeing her GS. I wouldn't worry and just answer all questions as they come:

mummabearfourbabybears · 05/09/2018 05:59

Maybe she's waiting for you to say that you'll find alternative care for your son. Maybe she doesn't want to let her grandson down? Why didn't you say straight away that you'd find alternative care and of course she should be free to go to the funeral unencumbered and then go to the wake.

heiheithechicken · 05/09/2018 05:59

Personally I wouldn't want my child of that age at a funeral. With people potentially becoming upset and distressed.

MumsGoneToIceland · 05/09/2018 06:00

It’s not ideal for DS or MIL. I assume it’s not possible to swap days around so MIL has him Thurs instead?

StitchingMoss · 05/09/2018 06:05

I took my 4 yr old DS to a funeral but it was someone he knew. I wouldn’t want him at a funeral of a stranger (to him). I would see if you could find alternative arrangements.

Hellywelly10 · 05/09/2018 06:08

I would arrange for myself or my partner to be at home that day.

KnotsInMay · 05/09/2018 06:12

I think your MIL needs to be able to to be free to go to the funeral, wake, talk with her other friends.

Tell her you wouldn’t dream of asking her to have Ds in her friends funeral day, and swap days or something.

Bechetdiagnosed · 05/09/2018 06:12

I’d make alternative childcare arrangements to allow MIL to attend the service and wake. The poor woman has lost her friend after all.

DinosApple · 05/09/2018 06:16

If you feel uncomfortable try to make alternative arrangements.

I went to the funeral of a stranger at that age. My grandparents were in the church choir, and they had me as I was off school. Obviously it depends on the child, but I was fine.

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2018 06:18

I honestly didn’t register what she was saying at the time, she made it as a passing comment when I popped in to see her after school, and I was distracted by DS. She didn’t go out of her way to tell me, and may not have if I hadn’t popped in to see her.

I was just thinking about it during my sleepless night.

Anyway, I just told DH, and he said straight away he doesn’t want DS going to a funeral. So I’m going to ask SIL (who is currently on mat leave and has offered to help in the past) if she can have DS for a couple of hours while MIL goes to the funeral, or DH may be able to take a longer lunch and cover it that way.

This is why I bloody hate relying on others for child care. We have always used nursery before, but school just throws such a spanner in the works!

OP posts:
iamawoman · 05/09/2018 06:19

I wouldn't see the need for a 4 year old to go to a funeral of a person that he doesn't know, its a tricky age in regards to all the life and death questions and it can go one way or the other either a lot of upset and worry or just brushed off . I would arrange alternative childcare

AnnieAnoniMoose · 05/09/2018 06:19

I would (and have) take a 4 yo to a funeral of someone they knew, but with explanations etc, not as a ‘oh we need to pop in here’ and I don’t think what DS needs is that on the Friday of his first week at school and I think your MIL might be expecting her lovely well behaved Grandson and get a tired, first week at school, grizzle chops. I don’t think it’s fair on anyone - him, mil or others st the funeral.

Is there no way you can swap days with her so neither of you needs to take more time off?

This half day starting is a nightmare for working parents without a childminder to help.

picklepost · 05/09/2018 06:21

School throws a spanner on the works? Wow, you're in for a bumpy ride. That awful friend for dying and that inconsiderate school. Life sucks!

Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2018 06:23

It isn’t fair on MIL or DS if he goes. I’m definitely going to sort something else out.
Swapping days isn’t an option but will sort it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eminybob · 05/09/2018 06:24

School throws a spanner on the works? Wow, you're in for a bumpy ride. That awful friend for dying and that inconsiderate school. Life sucks!

Get out of bed on the wrong side this morning?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 05/09/2018 06:27

Hopefully your SIL is free to help out. It’s a much better solution all around.

I probably wouldn’t have minded except it being his first week at school. Very very few of them aren’t wrecked by the Friday, even part time.

...and yes. The difference between them being in nursery and going to school is a nightmare for working parents in regard to ‘childcare’. People look forward to no longer paying (full time) childcare fees, but soon realise that it’s much more of a PITA when you work to have a child st school and not in care.

lily2403 · 05/09/2018 06:32

I would get alternative care, mil obviously wants to go if she is willing to take a 4 year old. I personally wouldn’t taking my DC to a funeral

TheSandgroper · 05/09/2018 07:20

My own DM died when DD was 3. This is what she learnt :

  • People get old, sick, break, damaged and doctors can't always fix them and they die. It's the biggest adventure in the world because no one knows when it will happen.
  • Life for everyone else carries on.
  • Ceremonies happen to celebrate/remember/share that person. We are reminded that the person was important to us. That ceremony needed to be organised so DD got to be part of that, too.
  • People get upset.
  • Other people might get upset but she wasn't and she didn't have to be. DD figured that bit all by herself so I was immensely proud of her because I had been weeping on and off for a number of weeks (of course).
  • When your DS asks what happens when we die, he's not asking what's going to happen to me? He is asking what happens to the body so tell him the process and he will move on to the next question.

If the conversation has already started at your DS's instigation, I see no reason not to allow it to carry on. His DGM is obviously someone he loves and trusts so perhaps include her in the conversation. Just accept that this moment in life is happening now.

Also, never underestimate the ability of a toddler to confound you, behave well and make you proud. A sandwich, a drink, a book and appropriate preparation and it's quite likely all will be well.

Mayra1367 · 05/09/2018 07:25

I agree with those who have said you should make alternative arrangements do your MIL can strand the funeral child free .
I think it’s very considerate of her to offer to stay at the back of the church and not attend the wake etc . You are very lucky to have her .

TheSandgroper · 05/09/2018 07:29

"I am concerned these will increase the questions and worries he has".

Increase the questions - Yes because he will learn stuff and come up with new ones.

Increase the worries - that will come from your own behaviour. Clear, calm, understandable answers suit 4 year olds. If you don't know, say so. I would also say that I had yet to learn something, that time would fix that and that because DD was in my life, we would be sharing the learning together.

Wonderbag · 05/09/2018 07:36

I would definitely find alternative arrangements. Mostly so your MIL can properly go, but also while I think 4 year olds are fine for family funerals I would want to be there to control a bit of what they are told when they ask questions etc.

newmumwithquestions · 05/09/2018 07:38

Personally I wouldn’t have a problem with my 4 year old going to a funeral. I talked about death with her when she was 3 (maybe 2?) - I see it as an integral part of life.

But if you’re unhappy find alternative childcare. It’s your (and your husbands) choice. However I don’t think your MIL is out of order either.