Friends son

[sleepyhollow1]

We're on holiday with friends and our 3 year old sons (will call theirs jack for ease of reading). This is the first time we've spent much time together with the kids.

The entire time their son has been denigrating our son, and turning absolutely EVERYTHING into a competition.

For example, both kids drawing jack starts drawing all over ds paper and saying how bad it is.

Ds pretends to be spider man, jack says spider man is rubbish and he's done other super hero who's much better and he doesn't like spider man.

Ds wants to make a sign for kitchen to say no running, I say good idea. Jack says stupid idea.

This evening he pulled ds's pants and poured sand down them. I wasn't there but dp saw but was too far away to say anything. We've been generally just been trying to ignore jack when he says these things and trying to be extra positive about what our Ds is doing.

However, it's really starting to piss me off. Is this standard 3 year old stuff? I honestly can't see anything that Ds is doing that warrants this response. Ds is really not bothered about competing.

Have his parents done anything about it?

No, not standard. It’s horrid.

You are well within reason to say “no thank you, that’s not kind” (whilst thinking something much stronger)

What do his parents do??

What are his parents doing?

dp saw but was too far away to say anything

He really needed to say something. I would be speaking up to the boy if the parents aren't and if it continued I would be having a conversation with them.

Not much. A lot of "don't say that it's not very kind" but i think they seem pretty immune to it, plus they're not around as much as we are, so not sure if they're not picking up on it

I’m also wanting to know what ‘Jacks’ parents are saying or doing when Jack is doing all these things?!

Dp would definitely have said something if he had been nearer but he was carrying our daughter plus a lot of stuff from the beach and I think it was pretty impossible at the time. He has previously told him not to throw stones, so isn't worried about speaking to jack about his behaviour.

Sounds like his parents need to be a bit more on the ball and firmer with him.

I agree, @MellowMelly we were on the beach earlier and Ds had done a drawing in the sand. Jack just came over and started rubbing it out. I'd have bollocked Ds for doing that.

I'm just not sure if we should be doing any more? Or do we just keep doing what we're doing (ie, "Spider-Man's not stupid Ds, he's great", "brilliant drawing Ds, keep at it" type thing) and write this one of as something we won't ever do again.

He sounds quite spiteful, his parents need to step up, he will find it difficult finding friends.

The way I see it you have two options either be firmer with Jack yourselves or have a chat with the parents. Personally I would be telling Jack not to do things as and when he did them and hoping the larents got the message. I hate confrontation though.

they're not around as much as we are,

Does that mean you are caring for their son for them? In which case you have every right to discipline him appropriately.

I would holiday with different people next time.

I think for your DS’s sake you need to spend some time on this holiday without Jack - if he’s just constantly aggravating him and winding him up your poor DS must be getting pretty frustrated.

Just keep pulling him up on everything nasty he’s doing/saying. He needs to hear from someone that it’s not ok to behave that way.

I think I'd start being a lot louder on the occasions where the parents are there and say things like 'I think your drawing is lovely DS' etc in loud clear tones. Every time their child criticises yours, tell your DS you don't agree - every single time.

My DS has an annoying habit of belittling everything anyone does, but I bollock him for it, publicly, every damn time. Eventually he'll lose friends because of it but I will have tried my best, dammit.

I would suggest a family day tomorrow to give your ds a break from him and vow not to holiday with them again until he has gained some manners.

No, you say “stupid isn’t a nice word Jack, and anyhow, DS likes him so he doesn’t think he’s silly”

Re the drawing on his work, you say firmly, “Stop Jack. Stop drawing on DS’s paper, you are scribbling on his work. Draw on your own and keep your hands to yourself”

That sounds horrible for your ds

Agree with justJoined, try getting some space away from your friends and and do things as a family unit as much as possible until it’s home time

It’s extremely unfortunate when lovely people have dc that are less lovely/clashing parenting style etc, and there is no way to address it that doesn’t cause hurt and offence. All you can do is take evasive action, then when you get home make surec you only ever see them w/o the children

Agree @garethsouthgatesmrs His parents have another younger child and Mum is pregnant so is resting quite a lot. We're not caring for their son, but I think we're just the type of parents who oversee things a bit more, whilst they are happy to let the 3 year old go off and play (totally safe set up we're in).

I would say we're definitely calling jack on it. But because we don't really know him, we're erring on the more polite correction of him than actual discipline

I would politely tell the child he’s being unkind and speak to his parents. They should be dealing with it. Don’t leave your child alone with him either. Kids can be horrible but it’s parents jobs to correct their behaviour and teach them what is and isn’t acceptable.

I think / hope I am making it absolutely clear to Ds that I am championing him. I am making a point of doing that every time this type of thing happens. I think you are though re. Time away.

I feel angry on sons behalf.

Is it the sort of set up where the mother would usually do all the day to day behaviour management and the husband only be there on the weekends so doesn't really have a measure of what is and isn't appropriate? Is it breaking down because he is having to move from fun figure to someone in charge of his son? Or are they both equally flaky? Children sometimes do go through this sort of phase, so it could be a short lived snapshot based on behaviour he has seen at nursery, or he might plough on like this until his parents effectively manage his behaviour (hopefully). If you think that you will be able to avoid them more in the future then I would go for the approach you have been to defend your son and also find something to do 'Just as a family' cos your holidays are precious and you want some time together just the ?four of you.

Ds had a friend like this at the same age. Since you can’t actually discipline the other child I used to just remove my child from the situation and say something like ‘I think x could do with a bit of space/isn’t feeling too friendly right now so come and sit with me for a bit’. Passive aggressive as fuck but if parents won’t put a stop to it I will. Funnily enough the child stopped when they realised they had to play on their own if they couldn’t behave.

How far away could he have been to let out a sharp "Oi Jack, do NOT do that again" firmly and loudly.

He draws all over his pictures just say oi Jack you little prick fuck off "Jack, that was really nasty" if he does it again, take him by the arm and lead him away or "Mary/John, can you have a word with Jack please" you won't even need to say more than that, they'll know by your tone

"That's not kind, you're making ds sad, I think you should go play with your daddy for a bit"
Literally wouldn't put up with it, he moves or you all do.

I'm guessing Jack's jealous of your DS because his own parents don't give him so much attention.

Send jack to his parents and bugger off from them for peace and quiet with your own DC's. I cannot stand parents like that. It's not the child's fault. It's theirs. Lazy gits