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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To participate in workplace flirtation?

81 replies

LC424 · 04/09/2018 19:51

Happily married with lovely DH but lacking a little excitement (small kids, work, chores etc)

New guy at work started ~6 months ago. He's about my age, married himself, not bad looking but also not a head turner. We bonded straight away as similar sense of humour.
As time has gone on we talk more and more, and I think I fancy him Confused
He gives me cheeky looks and winks and I think he might fancy me too.

I know nothing would ever happen but AIBU to participate in this flirting now I have some feelings for him? It feels different now to before when I only thought of him as a friend. I don't want him to ask why I've stopped talking to him!!
I am moving departments soon so might not have to see him for much longer anyway.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 04/09/2018 20:34

Ok, OP is being so deliberately obtuse that I’m pretty sure they must be a troll.

Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:35

We have a social evening with work next week and he will be there too

OP posts:
Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:36

Maybe I just want to live in my nice crush fantasy a bit longer and you're all spoiling my lovely daydream!!

OP posts:
AhHaaa · 04/09/2018 20:37

Yep WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue agreed. Troll. Either that or just delusional.

AllDayBreakfast · 04/09/2018 20:38

I can only imagine how this thread would've gone over if I'd asked this question as a man!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 04/09/2018 20:41

It's so annoying because if it were a woman with the same personality it would be so different.

Yes, you wouldn't be flirting or talking about fancying them.

I'm getting a lot of grief to say I've not actually done anything other than chat to a person of the opposite sex!

No, chatting to a person of the opposite sex is what everyone else does at work. You're talking about something which goes further than that and which many on here will recognise as the indicators of an affair, whether emotional or otherwise.

Grow up, treat people as you would expect to be treated - if this guy was your husband how would you feel about the woman he was flirting with at work to liven up her stale marriage?

NameChangedNow · 04/09/2018 20:41

I agree this can't be real no one could be that stupid

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 04/09/2018 20:42

OP I have done the same. I called him work crush.

My colleagues used to joke how much he fancied me. He was quite open about it to be honest.

He actually looks a bit like my husband - who I used to tell about it. It was always just sweet flirting and no lines crossed - only in my dreams sometimes

Anyway, it’s nice whilst it lasts.

maitaimojito · 04/09/2018 20:43

I know what you mean to some extent.

I have a male colleague that I get on really well with and I sometimes feel a bit weird about being too friendly with him given that I’m in a LTR. More because I wonder what other people at work think rather than there being an issue with crossing a line.

I actually have several male friends where I have the same sort of relationship and DP accepts that they’re just friends. I’ve always got on better with men and my close friends have been male as long as I can remember.

I think the only problem is when it becomes more than just having a laugh and chat and there are sexual undertones to the chat. I do see some of my male friends as attractive but also recognise attractiveness in my female friends and colleagues. I don’t think having a laugh and finding someone attractive is an issue in itself and expect most people have felt like this about a colleague or friend at some point.

NameChangedNow · 04/09/2018 20:43

We have a social evening with work next week and he will be there too

Wear your sexy knickers, OP.

BlancheM · 04/09/2018 20:45

Why does the choice have to be flirt or never speak to him again? Just be friendly and appropriate

Firenight · 04/09/2018 20:47

Nothing wrong with a bit of flirting so long as you are clear where the line is drawn. And definitely don’t do, say or write anything you wouldn’t want your spouse to know.

puzzledlady · 04/09/2018 20:48

You’re being really silly OP. If youre just talking to someone - fine, carry on, you don’t really have to ask if you are being unreasonable.

Obviously you’re doing something more than talking and youre here to somehow justify yourself by saying ‘it’s just talking’ - try and work out why your so unhappy at home first, that you have interpreted talking as flirting with a work colleague. I suspect it’s innocent on his part - but totally not in your part. You want for it to be flirting?

Cabochard · 04/09/2018 20:48

I think you’re bored at work really.
Could you find a more enjoyable job?

blueshoes · 04/09/2018 20:50

Maybe I just want to live in my nice crush fantasy a bit longer and you're all spoiling my lovely daydream!!

Precisely. This sounds like you wanting to talk about him to prolong your fantasy but denying how you so want to shag him so that we play along further. You are behaving like a lovesick teenager and cannot see how deluded you are.

Guess what - go and shag him and get it out of both your systems and throw a hand grenade in your marriage

SilverySurfer · 04/09/2018 20:50

Ask yourself two questions and then you will have the answer.

  1. Would you behave in exactly the same way with this man if your DH was in the room with you?
  1. Would you have a problem with your DH having a similar relationship with a woman he has a crush on in his workplace?
blueshoes · 04/09/2018 20:51

He gives me cheeky looks and winks and I think he might fancy me too.

Creepy and a sleazebag.

Butterymuffin · 04/09/2018 20:53

I'm so confused at where the line is

Bollocks. You know where the line is. You just wish you didn't and are trying to convince yourself.

Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 21:27

maitaimojito gets me - I don't want to kiss him or shag him.
Probably just a bit bored as someone said and enjoying a bit of attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 21:31

I've considered asking to be moved departments sooner but I don't want to make a big deal about it - he might not even fancy me ffs

The work party is genuine and it will be hard to avoid him all night

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 04/09/2018 23:08

I’m only one page one but I would say the line is whatever you would feel uncomfortable doing with your husband looking over your shoulder. Figuratively not literally before anyone jumps on me! DP and I know that we wouldn’t do something we wouldn’t do with the other person looking over our shoulder. And that doesn’t mean then being more secretive about it! It means thinking about the person you’re with and putting yourself in their shoes - without lying to yourself about it.

peachgreen · 04/09/2018 23:11

I've never had a crush on anyone else since I met DH but if I had I would go out of my way to avoid said person.

jammydodger5 · 04/09/2018 23:19

Yes you can talk to him but your asking about flirtation what's to stop your feelings developing as you've mentioned you have feelings what happens to your feelings for him and something other that flirtation happening? Things could easily cross a line if like you said your feelings for him are reciprocated.
If I were you keep it friendly and civil your both married and you don't want things to cross a line

Bambamber · 04/09/2018 23:27

Have you answered yet how you would honestly feel if your husband was flirting with someone he had a crush on at work?

StuckSoutherner · 04/09/2018 23:34

Sorry to go against the grain but OP if you are happy and secure in your marriage, a little flirtatious banter isn't going to change that so crack on and enjoy having someone you connect with at work.