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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To participate in workplace flirtation?

81 replies

LC424 · 04/09/2018 19:51

Happily married with lovely DH but lacking a little excitement (small kids, work, chores etc)

New guy at work started ~6 months ago. He's about my age, married himself, not bad looking but also not a head turner. We bonded straight away as similar sense of humour.
As time has gone on we talk more and more, and I think I fancy him Confused
He gives me cheeky looks and winks and I think he might fancy me too.

I know nothing would ever happen but AIBU to participate in this flirting now I have some feelings for him? It feels different now to before when I only thought of him as a friend. I don't want him to ask why I've stopped talking to him!!
I am moving departments soon so might not have to see him for much longer anyway.

OP posts:
NameChangedNow · 04/09/2018 20:08

You're not confused about the line you just want everyone yo tell you 'yeah go for it its harmless'.

AhHaaa · 04/09/2018 20:08

^I'm so confused at where the line is.

If I find someone good looking, should I not be talking to them either?^

Nobody said no talking. Just no flirting. You clearly understand the difference between flirting and talking so pull the other one

Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:09

Surely flirting is just talking delivered in a flirty way??
Maybe I've been flirting wrong forever...

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 04/09/2018 20:09

Does no one else ever have crushes? Or have any fantasies about anyone else?

Of course. And they are only harmless as long as they remain fantasies and stay inside your head. Flirting is acting on them.

AhHaaa · 04/09/2018 20:10

^We just talk about work or our families or what we did at the weekend.
If you read a transcript it's all clean. Other people at work don't notice anything when we chat^

So... he's NOT flirting with you then?? That's not what you said in your OP. You said he flirts, not just chats. Which one is it?

Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:12

He chats in a flirty way. Isn't that flirting?
I feel sooo old. It's obviously so long since I've dated anyone! Things have changed!

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 04/09/2018 20:12

It's not about talking you're flirting with someone who you say you think finds you attractive, and you've acknowledged chemistry with (I think he might fancy me too...), that's how trouble starts. I flirt outrageously with a gay male friend of mine, the banter is often not just near the mark but way way past it. It's different.
I genuinely haven't had a crush on anything else since I've been with DH, i have in past relationships. I can appreciate that on the surface someone might look attractive but nothing more than that. Weirder still to you perhaps, I've never had a celebrity crush in my life.

NameChangedNow · 04/09/2018 20:13

Okay... Hmm

Yh its fine bbz everyone does it enjoy fantasizing about him and wink back. You deserve the attention babe, your hubby obvs doesn't realize how gorgeous you are. Go for it girl! And a quick shag at the Christmas party doesn't count as cheating either!!

Tryingtogetitright · 04/09/2018 20:14

I know what you mean OP, I had one colleague I just clicked with. It felt almost awkward being around him because although I had no intentions of doing anything untoward (married and very happy), there was a connection when we talked. I just avoided being alone with him. Don't know what you can do to stop the connection but don't fan the flames as they could ignite and burn you. I changed jobs in the end (nothing to do with that!) so that put the sparks out!

Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:14

I find lots of people attractive though- if I stopped talking to all of them I'd be very lonely!
Even my old beer-bellied boss is quite fit in a weird sort of a way!

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 04/09/2018 20:15

Flirting is often not in the content, especially at first, it's in the tone, the body language, the eye contact, the staying late when you don't really have to because you enjoy his company, the internal reaction when you realise they've text you our emailed you, even if it's about something innocent
Keep digging OP and you'll find yourself in a hole.

Hadjab · 04/09/2018 20:15

I know nothing would ever happen but AIBU to participate in this flirting now I have some feelings for him?

You’re being deliberately obtuse. You know very that you’re BU.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 04/09/2018 20:16

I find lots of people attractive though- if I stopped talking to all of them I'd be very lonely!

Again, there’s a difference between talking and flirting. Stop being deliberately obtuse.

AhHaaa · 04/09/2018 20:16

He chats in a flirty way. Isn't that flirting?

He chats to you about everyday subjects in a flirty way?? Weird

I think you just have a crush on him and you're misinterpreting his friendship for flirting. You might terrify the poor fella if you attempt flirting with him!

I've been there myself, where a close friend interpreted my friendship VERY wrongly and started to get too close for comfort. I distanced myself from him altogether.

Don't do it.

Abrewfromabridge · 04/09/2018 20:17

Bloomin' heck we are married not dead! Flirt away as you have been doing if you trust yourself not to cheat and know where the line is. For me, it would be anything personal about appearances, suggestions you two should be more than friends or sexual comments - and no private messages you wouldn't feel comfortable your partner seeing! He's a mate you find a bit dishy...

If you really want to kill the crush then tell him he reminds you of your brother or dad... No way back.

But if what you are really asking is: my life is full and I fancy pursuing an affair! Well, thats a bit different as you know...

Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:17

I'm going to be so bloody lonely at work if I stop talking to him- I've not clicked with anyone else like this in years.
It's so annoying because if it were a woman with the same personality it would be so different.

OP posts:
Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:20

"But if what you are really asking is: my life is full and I fancy pursuing an affair! Well, thats a bit different as you know..."
This is not what I'm asking! I don't want an affair!
I just found a friend who now I also think is sort of attractive and he chats to me a lot.

Apologies to all RE: my use of the term "flirting" - I am a loser who thinks this is talking in a flirty way. There is no sexual content!

OP posts:
NameChangedNow · 04/09/2018 20:21

Address that feeling of loneliness then. Stop making excuses for giving your sexual attention to men that are not your DH. It's pathetic and could ruin everything you have built with him. This is how ALL affairs start. 'I will be so lonely if I don't talk to him' will become 'if I don't kiss him', 'if I don't sleep with him' etc. Wake up, woman!!

AhHaaa · 04/09/2018 20:23

I'm going to be so bloody lonely at work if I stop talking to him

Oh ffs. You're being deliberately goady now OP. Nobody can be that stupid

Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:23

I'm getting a lot of grief to say I've not actually done anything other than chat to a person of the opposite sex!

OP posts:
UnicornSparkles1 · 04/09/2018 20:25

Play with fire and you will get burned.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 04/09/2018 20:25

If all you were doing was chatting you wouldn’t have felt guilty enough to start this thread.

Original poster
LC424 · 04/09/2018 20:29

"Bloomin' heck we are married not dead! Flirt away as you have been doing if you trust yourself not to cheat and know where the line is. For me, it would be anything personal about appearances, suggestions you two should be more than friends or sexual comments - and no private messages you wouldn't feel comfortable your partner seeing! He's a mate you find a bit dishy..."
None of the private messages/sexual chats etc have happened - I don't get how no one else has chats or banter with someone other than their husband!

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 04/09/2018 20:33

I think that in small doses, a little flirting is a nice ego boost, and even married people get crushes. The problems start when it happens regularly in a setting like work where you can't avoid each other. It's hard to wind it down then.

AhHaaa · 04/09/2018 20:33

I don't get how no one else has chats or banter with someone other than their husband!

They do! Chats and banter are not flirting though. I chat and banter with my next door neighbour, my hair dresser, my boss, my SIL...but I don't flirt with them.

Jeez, you're exasperating OP

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