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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send dd6 to her room

41 replies

Flowerypig · 04/09/2018 17:28

Dd6 and ds4 were having tea ( dinner, supper- what ever) and kicking each other under the table, messing around and generally not eating. I asked them twice to stop kicking. They ignored me. I then shouted for them to stop NOW! Ds stopped. Ds snorted at me and pushed away her plate (nearly untouched- food she had requested). I told her “there’ll be no more till breakfast tomorrow” she then gave ds an extra kick. I told her not to be so stupid as I could see what she was doing as I was right there. She replied with “i’m Not stupid- you are!” So I sent her to her room both for the kicking and the rudeness.
Aibu just to leave her up there with no tea? She had a big lunch (special end of holidays pizza express lunch, actually) so won’t starve.....but should I ask her to come down and have some toast/ cereal before bed? I am fed up of her messing about at meal times and lost my temper...and did say she wouldn’t get any more. I should back down and make sure she eats before bed right? Make sure we don’t go to be on an argument? Or stand by my guns and make her realise if you reject a perfectly adequate tea you realise the consequences.
What should I do?

OP posts:

SneakyGremlins · 04/09/2018 17:29

Well you said that there'd be nothing til the morning. Are you happy to stick to that?

serbska · 04/09/2018 17:31

Go up later with a drink and a piece of toast. Give her a cuddle and a chance for her to appologise and to make everything right before she goes to sleep for the night.

PoesyCherish · 04/09/2018 17:31

I think it's a little harsh calling her stupid but understand how difficult it is when you lose your temper. I can understand why she was "rude" back.

Personally I would apologise for calling her stupid, explain I lost my temper and explain why I thought her behaviour was unacceptable. I would also offer her food too as I'd be worried she'd be a nightmare getting her to bed otherwise (6 year old DSD can be difficult if she's hungry)

I'd worry though going forwards about empty threats. If you told her no food until breakfast and then give her food, how does she know all of your threats aren't just empty threats?

Original poster

Flowerypig · 04/09/2018 17:34

@sneakygremlins- I know, but I was angry...i worry it’s unreasonable.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 04/09/2018 17:34

I suppose now you have done it you have to see it through.
But in future don't put them within kicking distance of each other. And make them take their shoes off in the house if you don't already.
In my experience asking once then separating them works better.
I expect everyone is tired.
Are they just back to school?

Original poster

Flowerypig · 04/09/2018 17:35

@poseycherish- I know not my finest moment, I just lost my temper. 😢

OP posts:

Gatehouse77 · 04/09/2018 17:36

I wouldn't back down on the no food threats you need to see through what you say. From this, as we all do, you'll learn what works best.

I would go up and have a chat and carry on the rest of the evening as if nothing had happened. If she gets upset and tries to pull your strings, I (personally) would still stay strong on the no food. It's unlikely to be repeated.

Original poster

Flowerypig · 04/09/2018 17:36

@ endoftheline good suggestion. Not back till Thursday. 4yo not till next Wednesday

OP posts:

continuallychargingmyphone · 04/09/2018 17:36

You do not ‘have to see it through’ If you were wrong.

ChanklyBore · 04/09/2018 17:37

How about we don’t threaten children?

Why not go up and tell her you were so upset by the way she was acting (examples) that you lost your temper. And you sent her to her room and her dinner is all wasted. Explain how you feel. Ask her how she feels about what happened.

Why not spin it around and instead of threats ..... tell her how you know she can sit still at tea time and you know she doesn’t want to hurt her brother and how you trust her to behave the next time, and because she can do this for you in the future, she can come downstairs now. And then give her some toast and warm drink.

Put her in bed later and sympathetise with how hard this time of year can be and how grown up she is getting to realise this.

That’s what I would do.

kitkatsky · 04/09/2018 17:37

Now you've started a no good punishment you have to see it through or just give her one more chance to apologise and get a slice of toast/ but of fruit, but try your best bit to use food as a weapon. My mum did and now I'm hugely overweight and off to the gym again

ApolloandDaphne · 04/09/2018 17:38

I agree that after a suitable period you go and apologise for calling her stupid and give her a chance to apologise to you. If she says she is hungry explain that the only options for he will be something like plain crackers or toast and butter and a glass of water. Impress upon her that each time she messes around at mealtimes she will be removed and this is what she will be offered (i am assuming here she eats a decent breakfast and lunch and won't be totally deprived). See it through each time. Keep calm and she will learn you mean business.

serbska · 04/09/2018 17:38

I suppose now you have done it you have to see it through.

No you do not have to do this!

It is totally OK as a parent to back down from stupid threats made in anger.

I think it is really horrible to leave a 6 year old up in their room to cry themselves to sleep after a fractions dinner where both sides lost their temper.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 04/09/2018 17:40

If you are comfortable with 'seeing it through' with no more food then do so. I am sure she will be ok. She may wake earlier for breakfast though.
YWBU for calling her stupid, I think I would go upstairs and have a chat, I would say that name calling is wrong and apologise for calling her stupid...hopefully prompting her to apologise for kicking.

Original poster

Flowerypig · 04/09/2018 17:41

Yes, I think you’re right. I should go up and apologise- I lost my temper, but i’ll Explain why. Thanks all. Just needed another perspective

OP posts:

serbska · 04/09/2018 17:41

I like @ChanklyBore approach

PuntCuffin · 04/09/2018 17:41

You didn't call her stupid. You said she was being stupid. It may be subtle, but it is different, and separating the act from the person. I would probably have used silly rather than stupid, but regardless, she was being stupid/silly and chose to ignore you/directly challenge you.

If she had a big lunch, she probably isn't really hungry, hence the messing about. She won't starve, no one starves after missing a single meal off the back of a large one. I would follow through, but then I am a stroppy mare.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/09/2018 17:42

End of holidays and everybody close to losing their rag sounds familiar.

Context is important I think, and while I’m usually a pretty strict Mum I also admit when I fuck up and get it wrong.

I’d go and get her, and explain that her behaviour was awful, but that you didn’t react the way you should have and you both need a clean slate.

Also, don’t beat yourself up, we all get to that stage!

Gatehouse77 · 04/09/2018 17:42

Also, my mum would make up stand at the table if we were kicking.

That was a short lived novelty!

NotUmbongoUnchained · 04/09/2018 17:42

Is she tired? I’ve sent my DD4 to bed a few times during dinner for messing around and when I’ve gine up to get her 20 minutes later she’s always been passed out on the bed!

Makemineboozefree · 04/09/2018 17:42

Using the withdrawal of food as a punishment isn't something I'd be comfortable with and, as another poster said, moving them apart would've been the best first step rather than going straight to def con 9. But now you have, I would just go up with some toast before bedtime and have cuddles and re-set.

Makemineboozefree · 04/09/2018 17:46

Sorry, just re-read and saw she pushed her tea away. It sounds like she wasn't hungry and was playing up as a distraction from not eating. I'd still go up and give her toast later if she's hungry though.

Original poster

Flowerypig · 04/09/2018 17:46

@makineboozefree- I didn’t
Take the food from her she shoved it away and we don’t generally have a meal/ snack beteeen tea and breakfast. But I get your point

OP posts:

Original poster

Flowerypig · 04/09/2018 17:46

Sorry@makemine- cross post

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2018 17:50

what time did she finish her large lunch - maybe it was too soon for more food

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