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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get mad when DP smokes after promising he won't.

51 replies

DC06 · 04/09/2018 15:52

My DP quit smoking about 18 months ago and I was delighted as his teeth and breathe really suffered from it plus I hate the smell full stop.
Anyway he had a smoke every so often but after a chat about my weight he expressed a desire for me to try and cut back on fatty foods etc. I agreed and even joined the gym but in return asked he stopped the occasional cig and quit all in. He agreed and I thought that was that for months until we were at a festival over the weekend and while I was away helping a friend unload his car I came back to find DP had went to the toilet. I went to the toilet to meet him and caught him smoking. He had not only betrayed me but tried to hide it and even got my friends to cover it up... I was soo upset and stormed off. I didn't speak to him all night and the next day he made jokes about it and said he couldn't understand why I was over reacting... AIBU?

OP posts:
Coco2891 · 04/09/2018 16:09

Yeah I think so , he's a grown man so up to him what he does

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 16:11

I can understand that. It’s not the smoking it’s the being deceitful.

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 16:12

Do you ever sneak fatty foods without telling him?

PinkHeart5914 · 04/09/2018 16:12

Yes I think you over reacting, you stormed off, didn’t speak to him until the next day for what? Smoking? I had to think how you’d react if anyone in your life done something genuinely bad!

Smoking is like anything someone has to want to quit, no matter how much you nag or storm off and as an adult if he wants to smoke he will

Impulsesealer · 04/09/2018 16:12

Being lied to is an awful feeling but yabu to try and control what he does. If he wants to smoke then that is his choice.

toothtruth · 04/09/2018 16:13

on the one hand he is a grown man so its up to him.... on the other hand he has lied and not done what he said he was going to... so YANBU for being pissed off about that.

When I was pregnant with my first my husband gave up smoking entirely but then when pregnant with my second I saw tobacco stains on his fingers and it turned out he had been smoking on his night shifts..... I went ballistic. I was pregnant in my defence but I did go full overboard crying and not speaking to him for two weeks....
So I do feel your pain. I hate smoking. I didnt marry someone and have two of their kids just for them to kill themselves (and potentially our newborn from SIDS) for a bit of a niccotine hit.

LeighaJ · 04/09/2018 16:15

This is why I never dated smokers, they very very rarely ever truly stop.

However I think you did overreact, he is a grown up and if you can't live with an occasional smoker then you should part ways. Trying to make him stop will just put you in the role of his Mother.

Alpacanorange · 04/09/2018 16:16

Yabu. It’s a smell I detest, I complain wildly if my husband smokes near me but you can’t dictate if he smokes or not. He should have the decency to just tell you though, for that he has given you ammunition to be cross with him.

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 16:16

No one wants to smoke. There are people who admit this to themselves and people who don’t. But no one wants to be addicted to anything.

Singlenotsingle · 04/09/2018 16:19

Some people just don't care. DS said the problem is he really enjoys smoking

TroubledLichen · 04/09/2018 16:25

As others have said, he’s an adult who gets to decide for himself if/when he wants to quit smoking. You can insist he doesn’t smoke in the house or around you but it’s highly addictive, he’s not going to quit just because you say so. To successfully stop he needs to want to do it for himself. And yes you are massively overreacting. If he’s cut down massively and only had a sneaky one at a festival then he’s done incredible well, you should be supportive of that.

And my DH (then boyfriend) used to smoke 20 a day when we met. He has mostly quit but occasionally has one, maybe about once every 6 months if he fancies it when he’s drinking with friends that still smoke. I still think he’s done phenomenally well and wouldn’t dream of storming off and sulking because he had a cigarette. If it’s that much of deal breaker to you then why are you in a relationship with a smoker in the first place?

Original poster
DC06 · 04/09/2018 16:26

The thing is DP never seems to buy cigarettes he just seems to borrow one or two from friends of mine while we are out which REALLY annoys me. Its definitely more the fact that I gave up something for him ( take always while at work and chocolate eclairs which I LOVE) and he doesnt seem to repect me enough to keep his promise. Plus i was literally away for 10 mins so he has seized the opportunity to do it in secret which makes me worry he can't be trusted...

OP posts:
argumentativefeminist · 04/09/2018 16:29

The bigger problem surely is that he was attempting to control your weight and what you eat? Sorry to be so blunt but I'd have left him already, not made some fucked up kind of bargain where he got to control you if you could control him.

Original poster
DC06 · 04/09/2018 16:40

argumentativefeminist
No it wasn't like that at all. I was upset about going up a dress size and he was actually being supportive in trying to motivate me to make changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
DC06 · 04/09/2018 16:41

We were attempting to 'tough love one another to improve the other persons health not to control. I guess I'm realising it's more the sneaking around and hiding it that's upset me

OP posts:
argumentativefeminist · 04/09/2018 16:42

If you're sure, OP. But you are viewing it as "I gave up something for him" rather than doing it for yourself. I do think he's wrong to keep smoking when you hate it, but he's addicted.

Bluewidow · 04/09/2018 16:45

If you don't like what it does to his breath and teeth why are you with him? Same question to him about you and fatty foods. If he wants to smoke he can, it's his decision same as if you want a kebab - go get kebab.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 04/09/2018 16:49

Hang on, so you brought up the subject of weight loss as YOU want to lose a few? So you're not cutting down for HIM, you're doing it for yourself? Because that just sounds like "Hey, whilst I'm losing some weight for me, why don't you quit smoking for me?".

What is he getting out of this pact?

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 16:57

What is he getting out of this pact?

Lower risk if many cancers?

BloodyDisgrace · 04/09/2018 17:32

It's an addiction which is hard to get rid off. Getting mad at him definitely won't help. It's like kicking the one who is already down. Do you think he doesn't feel shitty about taking it up again?
God, I'd murder a partner who would go on about my smoking ..

Bad breath/teeth is a serious one though. He could try chewing gums/using mouthwash etc. meanwhile

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 17:38

Bad breath/teeth is a serious one though. He could try chewing gums/using mouthwash etc.

This makes me laugh so much. If you’re a smoker you smell like a smoker. No amount of mints or perfume will change that.

Needahairbrush · 04/09/2018 17:51

You both sound really controlling.

Hillarious · 04/09/2018 17:53

OP may be seen as controlling, but it is for his own good and can only benefit from what she wants him to do.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/09/2018 18:00

OP may be seen as controlling, but it is for his own good and can only benefit from what she wants him to do

Literally every controlling partner ever has at one point or another used the “it’s for your own good” line.

He’s a grown man, if he wants a cig, he can have a cig.

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:09

Yes, but a grown man who commits to not having a cig then sneaks around behind the partner’s back like she’s his mommy is a bit pathetic.

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