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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get mad when DP smokes after promising he won't.

51 replies

DC06 · 04/09/2018 15:52

My DP quit smoking about 18 months ago and I was delighted as his teeth and breathe really suffered from it plus I hate the smell full stop.
Anyway he had a smoke every so often but after a chat about my weight he expressed a desire for me to try and cut back on fatty foods etc. I agreed and even joined the gym but in return asked he stopped the occasional cig and quit all in. He agreed and I thought that was that for months until we were at a festival over the weekend and while I was away helping a friend unload his car I came back to find DP had went to the toilet. I went to the toilet to meet him and caught him smoking. He had not only betrayed me but tried to hide it and even got my friends to cover it up... I was soo upset and stormed off. I didn't speak to him all night and the next day he made jokes about it and said he couldn't understand why I was over reacting... AIBU?

OP posts:
Ruffian · 04/09/2018 18:17

Yes it's a bit pathetic but understandable assuming he knew how the op would react - storming off, silent treatment and equating it with a 'lack of respect' it's all too much and very counter-productive.

WorraLiberty · 04/09/2018 18:17

The whole pact is very childish

You're both adults. If you want to cut back on fatty foods then do so for you.

If he wants to stop his occasional cigarette then he can do so for himself.

Purpleartichoke · 04/09/2018 18:21

Smoking is a dealbreaker for me. Of course, I never would have made it past the first date with someone who smoked.

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:23

Yes it's a bit pathetic but understandable assuming he knew how the op would react - storming off, silent treatment and equating it with a 'lack of respect' it's all too much and very counter-productive.

The op reaction was to the lying and sneaking I thought?
I understood that if he has of been upfront her reaction would be different.

Ruffian · 04/09/2018 18:28

Its definitely more the fact that I gave up something for him ( take always while at work and chocolate eclairs which I LOVE) and he doesnt seem to respect me enough to keep his promise.

That's how I read it NotTaken

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/09/2018 18:28

I understood that if he has of been upfront her reaction would be different

How so? Because he all but gave up smoking apart from the odd one, but that wasn’t enough for OP.

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:30

Op you’d need to clarify this. Would you have been ‘cool’ if he’d told you he was going to have to have a ‘cheat weekend’ at the festival?

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 04/09/2018 18:43

As much as I love eclairs they are not truly addictive, and are you saying you are never going to eat anything unhealthy ever again which is what you are asking of him. Or are you going to have the odd takeaway/cake once you have got healthy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/09/2018 18:56

He hasn't 'betrayed' you, OP, he's succumbed to his addiction.

End the relationship, for both your sakes.

TroubledLichen · 04/09/2018 18:58

You cannot compare chocolate eclairs, delicious as they are, to nicotine which is a highly addictive drug.
Presumably you’re going to have the odd sweet thing or takeaway? That’s exactly what he’s doing with the cigarette. Unless you are saying you will never eat sugar or a takeaway ever again, which isn’t believable, then you have a serious case of double-standards.
Healthier lifestyle changes need to be something you do for you, not for someone else, if you want to succeed.
A sneaky cigarette at a festival shouldn’t equal trust issues unless something is already fundamentally wrong in your relationship.

Good luck with your weight loss and healthy changes though. Also, I now really want a chocolate eclair (anyone else?).

glintandglide · 04/09/2018 18:59

He’s a grown man, he can smoke if he likes

Ruffian · 04/09/2018 19:04

I want a chocolate eclair and a ciggie!

BloodyDisgrace · 04/09/2018 19:07

If you’re a smoker you smell like a smoker. No amount of mints or perfume will change that

yeah right and healthy kale-juice drinkers, marathon runners and those who eat their own poop for breakfast to save earth are just so fragrant and holy. Seriously, we do need some "smug twerp" acronym or something ...

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 19:24

A smoker, per chance? Blush

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 19:25

Ruffian I have been thinking of a fresh cream Swiss roll (chocolate) for about three hours now!

sweetkitty · 04/09/2018 19:29

Smokers are often in denial about how bad they actually smell.

My MIL would slide herself in perfume and suck on mints and wash her hands after having a smoke, she just smelled of perfume, mintvand stale fag smoke.

Incidentally she died aged 62 of a heart attack probably caused by smoking.

glintandglide · 04/09/2018 19:35

“Incidentally she died aged 62 of a heart attack probably caused by smoking.”

Serves the stupid fucker right eh? What a lovely DIL you must’ve been.

straightjeans · 04/09/2018 20:06

They do say do not date a smoker with the intention of forcing them to quit.

I don't date smokers because I hate the way it tastes on their tongue and on the back of their breath. It smells like literal dog faeces.

So I do see why you want him to stop. But nonetheless this is what you agreed to when you embarked on a relationship with him.

Original poster
DC06 · 04/09/2018 20:25

It is fundamentally about the deceit and trying to hide it that I'm annoyed but also the fact that he hasn't taken our promise we made to one another as seriously as I had. It was him that quit smoking within the first couple weeks of our relationship I didn't force it initially but did hate it. However it wasn't me trying to control him.. I merely suggested he stop it for good whilst we were talking about making healthier choices. I'm sure many people do a "I'll give up x for you, if you give up x for me" it was meant as motivation which is certainly has been for me as I take promises seriously. I know it sounds dramatic and I probably ABU but the waiting till I was away, getting folk to lie for him then not seeing the issue really pissed me off. However... It's certainly not enough reason to end what is a perfectly loving relationship and we have sorted it now.

OP posts:
BloodyDisgrace · 05/09/2018 08:54

Smokers are the opposite of "smug" as they are aware of their own fault. Not all people with a bad breath are smokers and not all smokers have a bad breath, you people should get the fuck over yourselves. You've got a long healthy life to do so, so start now.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/09/2018 14:24

I don’t place conditions on DP, neither does he place conditions on me. I’d be really uncomfortable in a relationship where that happened.

HeadacheAgainGrrrrrr · 05/09/2018 14:36

I'm an ex smoker. I gave up about 11 years ago, just before I met DP, now DH :)

DH hates smoking and would never have dated me if he'd known me as a smoker!

I hate smoking too. I have two DC now and care about the effects of second hand smoke and the effects on my own body etc...

However, in the last 10 years I have had about 2 cigarettes a year (maybe 6 last year as it was a stressful year).

All of these I've had in secret because I wouldn't want either DC or DH to feel I had gone back to smoking, or to be ashamed of me. I don't want to the DC to see ever.

I have told DH about a few of my secret smokes and he said it's fine, it's my body etc... but I feel disappointed in myself afterwards.

I think the problem is that smoking is addictive. I started smoking as a child. I liked it. I smoked when things were bad and I felt better. Every now and again I go back to that cruch.

I'm lucky my husband understands and when I do tell him about the odd one I've hidden from him, he responds kindly and supportively.

straightjeans · 05/09/2018 15:55

@BloodyDisgrace ALL smokers have bad breath. You're just too used to it to notice. But it's there, right in the back of the throat and in between the gums. Places that mints just can not reach.

It is what it is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/09/2018 19:38

BloodyDisgrace it's not a 'fault'. Why are you using that term? It's just a habit that most non-smokers are repulsed by.

It's a fact that if anybody smokes, they smell. If you carry on smoking then you'll continue to smell - and there's not a mint, mouthwash or fragrance that will cover it up.

I'm an ex-smoker, never smoked again and never will. I hate the smell but I hated it then too. I don't know why I smoked because I love perfumes so much. But not only did I smell, anybody's clothes I came into contact with also smelt. You can kid yourself on all you like but there it is - smokers smell bad, sorry.

I'm not militant about it, smokers are entitled to smoke if they want to - but I won't be in proximity to them because the smell makes me gag and I'm sorry for all the people I made feel like that.

50Running50 · 05/09/2018 19:43

Also wondering if you had s burger/chips at this festival!?!

Yabu

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