To be scared for my DS after watching murder on our streets yesterday?

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I watched the documentary about the Brandon estate last night. My DS is mixed race, absent abusive father. We live in a lovely area in London but not far from where you often hear things happen. I feel like perhaps I should look at moving us away from London before he's 11/12 after watching. It's so sad these young people getting killed over postcodes

My DS is particularly strong willed and impulsive, in my eyes having been a youth worker previously he is tbh the typical child who would end up being led astray by older men and I'm quite anxious perhaps living in London because I like it isn't necessarily the right thing anymore.

It's in every city though isn't it? I mean I could move to somewhere in the country and face other issues like him driving dangerously on country roads when older

Those poor poor mothers

It is everywhere unfortunately. We live in a small town in North East Wales. There are 13-14 year old lads wondering around in gangs taking drugs.

I wouldn't say it's everywhere. Some sleepy towns really don't have those problems- like you say teens do tend to get in RTAs but really that's not the same and probably less likely. The town I live in has not seen many murders and most are in couples rather than just random killings.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. We (DH and I) left London the moment I got pregnant unexpectedly.

We wouldn't bring our children up there unless we could afford private schools basically.

You'll get a lot of people on here saying YABU and that their DC are in lovely London schools and doing well.

But your son is as you say, too close to a statistic given the imbalance in society today.

It's a very, very sad fact that mixed race boys from lone parent families are at risk in cities like London.

Get out. Move somewhere smaller. There are places which are diverse but where there aren't the same social problems.

What do you do for a living?

OP some of the worst places for county lines are rural sleepy places, because the kids are naive, bored and easily manipulated. It's up to you to move or not, but either way keeping DS engaged in purposeful, structured or family activity is the best way to keep him away from the risks of gangs

MrsStrowman you've gone from one extreme to another there though.

OP lives in London...it's a hard, sometimes dangerous place. A place of inequality.

You mention rural communities with issues. But OP could live somewhere inbetween.

A decently sized town close to a larger Northern city. Or a small city with a good, diverse population.

Get out of London. It's not a place I would raise children, especially BME.

we live in such a lovely place, since I escaped the abusive ex we've built a lovely support network... I'm about to retrain and get back to work and London has plenty of jobs and education. He goes to a school now which is so small it's like a private school, no problems there etc and he's thriving

But the secondary nearby he would go to has had a stabbing (some years ago)

I really hoped I was being hypersensitive and paranoid from watching but I'm not am I?!

Ironically I left a city I used to live in as a teenager as it wasn't safe for me! As a white girl from care.

And London was... at the time a far better option

You're sadly not being hypersensitive no. How old is your DS?

6 now

im in a very similar situation to you op. at the moment im leaning towards staying as racism and drugs in the suburbs are a big worry to me.

It depends how far away you are. Things can seem close by but are a world apart, iyswim? I live in London too. There are two "gang" areas not far from where I live but my immediate area doesn't have issues. The gangs are territorial and don't stray into where I live. There are gangs in Kensington & Chelsea but it doesn't stop rich people living there! However I do see what you're saying about your DS. I would give it careful thought, do some research. The drug gangs have actually moved out of London in terms of recruiting youngsters as the Met police are all over it so they can recruit easier elsewhere now.

The only thing I would say if you are going to stay put is what would be your arrangements for him after school when you go back to work? Whilst it's great you're doing so, and I certainly wouldn't want to discourage you from that, if your DS has no supervision and you're at work until say 6, it will be difficult to know what he's doing and who he's with. In that scenario then honestly yes I think you would be better off somewhere outside of London.

Oh cross posted! If he's only 6 now then obviously you will have someone to look after him! Was thinking more at high school age.

I guess I am walking distance to a problem area (you hear on the news often) and another you hear but less often but my actual area is lovely and no gangs currently however I have seen a child packing hanging out in the area and assumed was to hide from gang members after them.

There is a drug dealer though who lives very close and I'm worried his children may be used later down the line and therefore recruit my child. Currently they're all just little and play at the park happily together etc

While it happens everywhere it's definitely more prevalent in some areas than others. Where I live (commuter area to London) there is definitely less of this going on than when I used to live in London.

You know what, I think you're right to be concerned and if I was in your position I would move. If you can already see red flags about his potential future life where you live now then imagine how you would feel if something happened to him and you hadn't acted on your gut instincts. Suburbia might be a good solution. Do your homework and you could find somewhere really fantastic to live where your son will thrive and make friends without all of this worry about gangs and postcodes. Trust your instincts on this one.

Yeah I think I will stay to get myself qualified and experience and plan to leave when primary school ends in my head. By then I might be able to financially afford some choice over where we go. Maybe a seaside town (although sea and teens doesn't mix too well either)

Hi op, we live in London and also have a mixed race son. We live on a nice road in a nice enough area, but in London, that's fairly meaningless as you turn the corner and an area totally changes! We won't be leaving London though as we both have our families here and I wouldn't want to get off the London property ladder as its too difficult to get back on. I also think London has a lot to offer. I certainly wouldn't consider moving to a seaside town...they are rife with drugs and asb. What zone do you live in? Could you move out to a zone 5/6 if you're not already there then you get the benefits of London (employment/transport) but in a more suburban area. I totally get your concerns by the way.

I really get your worries. I don't live in a city and I always feel so sorry for teens that do because of this.

I think your reasonable to consider this, but just consider the next area you move to as well. Do you have a plan as to where you want to move - family living in another area or something?

You don't want to move and him fall into a wrong crowd being the new kid looking to impress.

Although I don't know if you are giving your own parenting skills enough credit. Keep him close. Support him. Encourage positive relationships and good influences friendships. Be strict but have a friendship with him where he can express himself to you.

In terms of seaside towns... I would just like to say I live in Eastbourne and it's lovely; no real drugs or crime life that I know of.

Brighton is a city that has all the crime any other city has, probably no more or less - but it's buzzing and you won't be bored moving from London.

Hastings is rough, I've been through and been to it a few times, the city centre is rotten and it's got a lot of trampy people living there.. Also there was a programm on TV about people refusing to get off benefits and the people were from Hastings, they were saying whole parts of the town are like slums!

Thanks. I was in care as a teenager and as a result have huge anxiety over my own parenting and whether it is good enough combined with the guilt of him being the product of an abusive relationship and having witnessed far more in his life than he ever should have already, but I did get out and we are rebuilding our lives and currently london is awesome for days out together and a sport we do together. I have support from services due to his dad and feel like London it's easy to access support that is lacking elsewhere.

But the balancing act of how good it is now to how awful it could easily become is very gutting.

He's recently had a cousin born so maybe we'll look at where they are nearer the time and consider moving nearby to my cousins. They're the family I think I could probably join up with for more family support later on. And they did move out of London themselves although for work reasons.

Don't forget op, we see all the negative stuff on the news but the vast majority of teens of all ethnicities are doing just fine in London, passing exams and staying safe. London is brilliant for kids and teenagers as they benefit from free and frequent public transport and plenty of activities not to mention lots of education and employment opportunities as they get older. You sound like a very caring lovely mum by the way!

I have been in a similar position to you, OP. These are my thoughts.

1. you say you have a particularly strong willed and impulsive boy. just like mine was I would say - though he was sunny and happy at least when he was young. I am not sure you are saying your son's age - did you say 6?

1. we moved from London for similar vague reasons. I didn't want him to be led astray - and from age 6 he was fairly free to go out at times. We left when he was due to start secondary.

1. my son is white but most of his friends were black and he used to hang around with them. they were genuinely lovely boys. but inevitablly their social mileau grew to involved others in the area and beyond and when my son last went back he was hanging out with weed dealers on bicycles as a normal thing . also a couple of the boys we used to know have been attacked with knives, and one even murdered . it was very shocking.

1. we moved out of London, but my son is attracted to some of the same kind of things, even if at heart he's a good kid and would never start anything, he could easily be drawn in to this teenage "beef", even where we live. its true what a poster above said, its in a lot of places, even towns.

1. well my son did get in trouble with the police after we moved. a moment of madness, unfortunately, at age 15. he's actually a good lad most of the time, but is both strong willed and easily influenced and excitable, so this was one of the results. .

So, to sum up. You can move - thats one way to deal with it. But even then there are no guarantees. I suspect the kids that are kept away from most of the trouble are ones with parents who are strict and keep their kids indoors basically, or at least make sure they are back by 7 pm every night without fail. I tried to give my son more freedom (within reason). In fact when the police thing happened my son rarely went out but the crime issue we had was one evening when he did go out.

Moving may or may not solve the problem.

One other thing, if you move too late, your son may feel a bit ripped from his home area and friends, so you need to consider that.

Its not easy. The culture for teen boys is quite aggressive at the moment. Its sad that young teenagers have to be basically "kept in" now to avoid confrontations and aggression - but it seems to be if not everywhere, in a lot of places.

p.s. we lived very "inner city" when we were in London, maybe its a wider social mix where you live, something else to take into account.

Witchofwisteria which end of Eastbourne do you live in? I lived there for a few years and saw lots of drugs/crime. It's a nice place but everywhere has their rough areas and seaside towns are renowned for drugs issues.