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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find TTC exhausting!

31 replies

williteverbeme · 03/09/2018 21:29

Been TTC for 3 years, generally have a great sex life with DH. However after 3 years it's sadly becoming a chore. All I want sometimes is a quickie, but DH wants a session for an hour with lots of foreplay etc and I'm just too exhausted for that. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he'll say things like your just too good, I want to enjoy you etc. I'm not sure how to manage it with out hurting his feelings. He has a very high sex drive and generally a much nicer person when his needs are being met. However busy lifestyle on top of TTC is taking its toll on me ! AIBU that every time doesn't need to be a big event! HELP

OP posts:
Original poster
williteverbeme · 04/09/2018 10:11

Just me then ...

OP posts:
Crabbitstick · 04/09/2018 10:34

Surely you should have seen your GP by now if you've not got pregnant in that time?

Eliza9917 · 04/09/2018 11:08

He has a very high sex drive and generally a much nicer person when his needs are being met.

I'd consider whether someone like this ^ is someone I'd want to have kids with.

PenguinBollard · 04/09/2018 11:28

generally a much nicer person when his needs are being met

Struggling to see beyond this sentence. The reddest of flags

Darkstar4855 · 04/09/2018 11:29

YANBU, ttc can be incredibly hard for all sorts of reasons. You will get a lot more responses on the conception forum though.

SoyDora · 04/09/2018 11:29

generally a much nicer person when his needs are being met

So if you’re not giving him the sex he wants, he’s not a nice person?

Alpacanorange · 04/09/2018 11:30

As pp... meeting his needs are not the priority, it’s mutual enjoyment, even when sleep is the most appealing thing on your mind.

Eliza9917 · 04/09/2018 12:17

What's he going to be like while you're recovering from birth OP? Will he still expect his needs to be met then?

Wasither · 04/09/2018 12:21

Will his needs be met after you're recovering from giving birth?
Possibly an emergency c section, possibly a 3rd degree tear etc.
You aren't going to want to be having any sex let alone long sex for a while after giving birth.
Will he not be a nice person then? Will he refuse to help with the baby because his needs aren't being met?
That's just a massive red flag.

On another note, if it's been 3 years see your gp

HesterShaw1 · 04/09/2018 12:23

...generally a much nicer person when his needs are being met.

Yes I had one of those. We are now separating. How he would have been if ever a miracle occurred and I'd conceived I now dread to think.

Unfortunately, unsuccessful TTC fucks up sex lives

OutPinked · 04/09/2018 12:23

I hope you are seeking fertility treatment after three years, it is advised after one...

Agreed with PP with regards to his ‘needs being met’, that is a huge concern. If you do go on to conceive there will undoubtedly be times throughout the pregnancy and certainly for a few weeks postpartum where you will be unable to ‘meet those needs’.

Wasither · 04/09/2018 12:23

Forgot to add:

A woman I know had an internal 4th degree tear from her cervix down after having her 2nd child.
She couldn't/ wouldn't have sex for over a year, and still finds it painful and uncomfortable almost 3 years on so she has sex very rarely.
Would your husband be happy with that?

LeighaJ · 04/09/2018 12:31

Some people (both male and female) get a bit cranky/moody when sexually frustrated, I don't see how that's a red flag. Hmm

Maybe he doesn't want a quickie because it makes him feel like just a means to an end?

Eliza9917 · 04/09/2018 12:55

What if he starts to get jealous of the baby and all the time spent looking after him/her? And the tiredness, let alone post birth recovery time. A lot of abuse starts in pregnancy or just after birth, doesn't it?

LeighaJ · 04/09/2018 13:41

So him wanting to take his time having sex with his wife, the woman he's presumably in love with and clearly attracted to and him having a high sex drive means he's going to get jealous of their yet to be conceives baby and abuse his wife?

Only on MN does such silliness pass as logic. 🙄

Eliza9917 · 04/09/2018 15:17

Is someone who gets cranky/moody when they haven't had their leg over for a bit someone you would like to tie yourself to for life @LeighaJ?

What's life going to be like with them through the first 6 months? or longer if you weren't up to putting out.

Original poster
williteverbeme · 04/09/2018 21:12

Of course we've been to the GP Hmmunexplainable infertility, just about to start IVF. No I don't think my DF will become an abuser. I'm a much nicer person when I've had a good day at work or when I've been to the gym. It was meant as an off the cuff playful comment - not to suggest he's a prick. He does nothing to suggest that he won't help or give me time to recover if I'm lucky enough to have a child. It was meant to be lighthearted ...... but clearly I should get my ducks in a row ! Honestly HmmConfused

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 21:55

Most people are nice when they get what they want. That's human nature.

I'm nicer if my DH has done something I want...especially without being asked.

I find people are quick to jump on he's abusive without good reason.

bluemoonchances · 04/09/2018 22:14

YANBU!! After so long it becomes a chore!! We joke about it, when it's around ovulation time I'll say to DH "we got to do the sex tonight " and he'll usually say oh "oh god not again! Can't we do it in the morning?!" So I say "that's fine, climb on and don't disturb me!" GrinGrinGrin it's how we keep it light hearted by joking about what a chore it is.... if my DH was like yours and wanted all the bells and whistles every time, it would drive me mad! GrinGrin

SpookyMuldersMum · 04/09/2018 22:18

YANBU OP I feel the same. We are on round 4 of ovulation induction after trying for several months for a second child. I’m so over it.

Hand on heart I could happily never have sex again right now. By the time we get around to it after long days at work, putting the toddler to bed, chores and walking the dog I’m shattered and frankly I just wish he could quickly pop it in while I face the other way and read my book for 10 mins before falling asleep. The Sperm Meets Egg plan has a lot to answer for!

Good luck with the IVF.

SerenDippitty · 04/09/2018 22:33

YANBU. Unfortunately the longer you ttc without success the less you actually feel like having sex. It becomes a chore. One of nature’s little jokes. Used to annoy the hell out of me when friends said “ at least you can have fun trying”.

Original poster
williteverbeme · 04/09/2018 22:33

We are literally about to start IVF, which I would love to avoid. So giving it a big attempt this month to 'front load' - DH is loving it. Our attempted quickie last night lasted 45 minutes.... I'm shattered, he thinks it's the best thing ever. If feel terrible for thinking like this .....

OP posts:
bluemoonchances · 04/09/2018 22:38

Well there are a few weeks with ivf where you have to make sure you don't get pregnant naturally... so look forward to that little break! Grin good luck! X

SpookyMuldersMum · 04/09/2018 22:39

If you are saying to him that you’re exhausted and need it to be quick he should be respecting your wishes. It sounds borderline non consensual and I would definitely not be happy about it. He’s putting his needs before yours and it’s unacceptable.

Original poster
williteverbeme · 04/09/2018 22:39

@bluemoonchances oh tell me more about this break ! Lol sounds like bliss ...

OP posts:
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