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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not be speaking to BF?

44 replies

MrsMuddlePluck · 03/09/2018 18:49

We had a fall out over a misunderstood facebook message. Yes - the curse of facebook!

I'd posted about how stressed I was when organising a social event at my house, which is always a trial as my DH has ADHD [diagnosed] and/or OCD [loosely]. As a result, we just don't socialise much with anyone. I'm not very sociable as I've always been a bit of a loner anyway, so don't mind that part of my personality, but I do find it really hard to do anything at weekends these days as DH is seemingly becoming worse and everything has to be done to his exacting standards.

The whole family was at screaming pitch all day, preparing for a BBQ. The party itself went really well - better than we could have wished. We were hosting my youngest DS's GFs family, so it was good to get to know them better.

Job done - or so I thought.

I then had a message from my BF of 22 years, saying that it was nice to see us socialising, but that she was sad that we didn't socialise with her and her DH any more. She knows that DH has social issues and that I am very shy too. She also knows that if she invites us over [which she hasn't for months now], then we'll gladly come, but that we haven't been able to entertain for a long time - partly due to DH and also, to tell the full story, the house has been a bit chaotic due to DSs various hobbies, which they are now happily giving up, so we have our house back now.

I was angry and messaged back that I wasn't happy that she reacted like that as she should have been able to see how upset I had been organising this event. It's not as if we have been entertaining loads and excluding her - we don't socialise much with anyone.

She then said that what she had meant was that she wanted to see more of us, which is not how I read it. She ended the message trail by blocking any further replies, after stating she had 'had it with me' and that she had never shared things with me as I have no empathy.

She didn't ask me why I'd reacted the way I did, nor has she since, as we are now behaving like silly teenagers and 'not speaking', which is awkward as we work at the same side of town, and usually would see each other for lunch once a week or so. I was meeting some other GFs today and she walked past, so I had to pretend I hadn't seen her. She ignored me anyway.

I really miss her - went out with work on Friday night and wished she had been there; I have a big birthday coming up and I can't see me celebrating it without her.

How do we make this up?

I'm trying to relate the story as honestly as I can, as I know I have been misunderstood in the past. [although she isn't British, her English is excellent, but she does have some odd turns of phrase which I have misunderstood before - always in a text, oddly!]

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 03/09/2018 18:54

You shouldn't have got angry with her original comment. I don't see that as unreasonable thing to say. She started off with a positive and told you she was sad. I more rational reply to that would have been nicer and more reasonable.

IronQuill · 03/09/2018 18:54

Sorry but YABU. She was reaching out with a concern and you reacted in anger. She’s obviously reached the end of her tether to have blocked you after this!

She thinks this of you and said so in the message:

it was nice to see us socialising, but that she was sad that we didn't socialise with her and her DH any more

She was saying she enjoys your company and wishes you still socialised and you reacted in anger? She said you have no empathy: no shit.

I’d leave well alone. It’s up to her whether she wants to try salvage things but I suspect she’s done.

She didn't ask me why I'd reacted the way I did,

Why on Earth is it her job to baby you and ask why you flipped in anger at her? You’re an adult I presume who can volunteer that info yourself?

SparklyLeprechaun · 03/09/2018 19:00

YABU and if you want to make up you should apologise. You have overreacted to a nice message, understandable if you were stressed but you still seem to think you were right. You really weren't.

SandyY2K · 03/09/2018 19:03

YABU

I don't blame her for blocking you.

Original poster
MrsMuddlePluck · 03/09/2018 19:47

Not getting it.

Her message read to me that she didn't see why we were cutting her out, by entertaining other people, and came across as spiteful to me. They don't invite us over anyway and are always entertaining others, never us.

It's hard enough organising anything and when I thought I'd finally 'cracked it', all she can say is 'why don't you socialise with us then?'

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 03/09/2018 19:50

YABU for the way you reacted to your friend and also for posting such attention seeking crap on facebook

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/09/2018 19:51

You overreacted to her message. Send her a card and flowers with an apology. Explain that if hosting was easy then of course you’d want her over more often.

Original poster
MrsMuddlePluck · 03/09/2018 19:51

As a highly respected psychiatric nurse, maybe she should have noticed that I'm a sociopath who obviously doesn't understand my own language.

That's it. I give up, as I'm obviously too stupid or too stubborn to admit that I'm wrong [always]. I have always apologised in the past, when I know I'm wrong. This time, I'm really not sure and I don't know why it's so hard to admit.

OP posts:
Ethylred · 03/09/2018 19:55

"she should have been able to see how upset I had been "

Why? Why on earth?

Get over yourself OP and apologize for your grotesque rudeness.

MsHopey · 03/09/2018 19:55

Ages with PPs. She was basically saying she missed you and wanted to see you and your DH more. Nice things to say.
And you were nasty back. Maybe it was the high stress situation you had been in. But I really think it sounds like she was hinting to see you more.

DoJo · 03/09/2018 19:58

She told you she wanted to see you more, and you view up at her. It might be hard for you, you might feel as though she didn't understand how hard it was, but the gist of her message was that she wants to attend more time with you. Not as a psychiatric nurse, not as someone who is analysing your FB posts, as a friend who enjoys your company. You read it as a spiteful dig, but it sounds like she was just saying that they would like to see you, it's your interpretation that adds pressure and a lack of understanding to what sounds like a fairly heartfelt message. Either way, do you want her as a friend? Maybe that's more important than who's right and edits wrong in this instance.

Lalliella · 03/09/2018 19:59

I think you should send her a card to apologise and ask if you can meet irl to talk this over. I think you’ve both misunderstood each other in the messaging, which is easy to do without knowing the tone of what is being said. I think she was saying it’s a shame the 4 of you don’t socialise more as couples and that she’d like to. It would be such a shame to throw your friendship away over this. I think you were slightly more out of order than her though, so you should make the first move.

DoJo · 03/09/2018 20:01
  • blew up at her
  • Spend more time
  • Who's wrong

DYAC!

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/09/2018 20:01

It sounds like she tried to reach out and you reacted defensively at the implication that you weren't seeing her enough (or that's the implication you saw, anyway, regardless of whether she meant any such thing).

steff13 · 03/09/2018 20:02

So, she told you she's sad that she hasn't seen much of you. You got mad, and she explained that she didn't mean what she said the way she took it. And you're still mad at her?

Original poster
MrsMuddlePluck · 03/09/2018 20:02

onanothertrain - so no-one ever posts "...attention seeking crap on facebook" then?

MsHopey - she didn't phrase it as if she missed us, just as a 'why were you entertaining some one else? How dare you'

I do take PPs comments on board though. Maybe if I want to salvage this, some flowers and an apology would be in order?

Off to hang head in shame and logon to interflora SadFlowers

OP posts:
SoyDora · 03/09/2018 20:03

I think her first message was meant genuinely, not spitefully. She was just telling you how she felt.

ShirleyPhallus · 03/09/2018 20:05

YABU for the way you reacted to your friend and also for posting such attention seeking crap on facebook

This ^

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 03/09/2018 20:05

You were unreasonable and when it's been pointed after you asked you've jumped into a fit of overt manipulative self shaming as a deflection technique

I'm really not surprised that she has had enough if you behaved the same with her

I'm sorry you are having a tough time but you were in the wrong...if you want to be friends with her again you need to offer a sincere apology (That means no "sorry but..." or "you've misunderstood" or "it's not my fault but I'm sorry you feel like that")

A sincere..."I screwed up and I'm sorry what can I do to make things right "

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/09/2018 20:06

I think an apology for reacting angrily would be a good move op. If she does PA shit in future then you can revisit this decision, but just in case....

Enidblyton1 · 03/09/2018 20:06

I get why you feel cross OP - you were feeling happy and relieved that a social event went well, and then your BFs message makes you feel deflated.
However, you massively overreacted. The only reason your BF wrote to you was because she wanted to see you more! You need to apologise to her for your reaction to her message if you want to keep the friendship.

Original poster
MrsMuddlePluck · 03/09/2018 20:13

Enidblyton1 - spot on!

Still, the gist of it seems to be that I need to apologise and make it right if I can.

OP posts:
KC225 · 03/09/2018 20:19

Drop her her note, say sorry, say that you took it the wrong way and invite her over.

steff13 · 03/09/2018 20:20

she didn't phrase it as if she missed us, just as a 'why were you entertaining some one else? How dare you'

That's how you took what she said. But that's not what you put in your first post.

Coolaschmoola · 03/09/2018 20:24

TBH - you'll host your DS's GF's family, even though it's HUGELY stressful etc etc... but you NEVER and WON'T host your "BF of 22 years"...

Sorry, but I think that sends a clear message of how much you value your "best friend" - and it's less than your DS's GF's family. I think that's awful.

Most people would be hurt if they had been understanding about their so-called best friend's inability to have people round, only to then see them throwing a party for acquaintances.

"She knows that if she invites us over we'll come (but she hasn't for months now)..." possibly because it was all one way? Entertaining is expensive - and, as you clearly know, stressful.

"...but that we haven't been able to entertain for a long time..." and the first time you feel able, you don't invite your BEST FRIEND whose hospitality you've happily accepted in the past without reciprocating, you invite acquaintances.

I think that must have been a massive slap in the face.

Imagine being told "We can't entertain, we can't entertain, we'll come to you, but we can't entertain, you're my best friend, but we can't entertain, DH can't cope, we can't entertain...we're entertaining DS's GF's family!"

Not how I'd treat my best friend. Ever.