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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not be speaking to BF?

44 replies

MrsMuddlePluck · 03/09/2018 18:49

We had a fall out over a misunderstood facebook message. Yes - the curse of facebook!

I'd posted about how stressed I was when organising a social event at my house, which is always a trial as my DH has ADHD [diagnosed] and/or OCD [loosely]. As a result, we just don't socialise much with anyone. I'm not very sociable as I've always been a bit of a loner anyway, so don't mind that part of my personality, but I do find it really hard to do anything at weekends these days as DH is seemingly becoming worse and everything has to be done to his exacting standards.

The whole family was at screaming pitch all day, preparing for a BBQ. The party itself went really well - better than we could have wished. We were hosting my youngest DS's GFs family, so it was good to get to know them better.

Job done - or so I thought.

I then had a message from my BF of 22 years, saying that it was nice to see us socialising, but that she was sad that we didn't socialise with her and her DH any more. She knows that DH has social issues and that I am very shy too. She also knows that if she invites us over [which she hasn't for months now], then we'll gladly come, but that we haven't been able to entertain for a long time - partly due to DH and also, to tell the full story, the house has been a bit chaotic due to DSs various hobbies, which they are now happily giving up, so we have our house back now.

I was angry and messaged back that I wasn't happy that she reacted like that as she should have been able to see how upset I had been organising this event. It's not as if we have been entertaining loads and excluding her - we don't socialise much with anyone.

She then said that what she had meant was that she wanted to see more of us, which is not how I read it. She ended the message trail by blocking any further replies, after stating she had 'had it with me' and that she had never shared things with me as I have no empathy.

She didn't ask me why I'd reacted the way I did, nor has she since, as we are now behaving like silly teenagers and 'not speaking', which is awkward as we work at the same side of town, and usually would see each other for lunch once a week or so. I was meeting some other GFs today and she walked past, so I had to pretend I hadn't seen her. She ignored me anyway.

I really miss her - went out with work on Friday night and wished she had been there; I have a big birthday coming up and I can't see me celebrating it without her.

How do we make this up?

I'm trying to relate the story as honestly as I can, as I know I have been misunderstood in the past. [although she isn't British, her English is excellent, but she does have some odd turns of phrase which I have misunderstood before - always in a text, oddly!]

OP posts:

Stormtrooper1986 · 03/09/2018 20:25

So you post on AIBU and when the majority say that YABU you don’t like it, why bother posting if you won’t listen to what people are saying ?
I agree with majority YABU , you need to apologise to her if you want any chance of saving your friendship.

deepsea · 03/09/2018 20:34

Salvage the friendship THEN remind her how much you care but you find these things impossible. Come to an agreement as to how you will see each other more often going forward that isn’t anxiety producing

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/09/2018 20:46

OP it's sounds like you were already stressed out about the event and took your bf message in the worst possible way. It really doesn't read as spiteful to me or anyone else by the looks of the replies here. Your bf misses socialising with you and was pleased to see you socialising with others. You do owe her an apology.

Chillyegg · 03/09/2018 20:55

Yeah you need to apologise to your friend .
I can imagine it really being graying that for ages you havnt been able to host , taking others hospitality, and entertaining acquaintances. It sounds like you like things on your own terms and make excuses to validate you poor behaviour.
Apologise send flowers invite her over for nibbles and some wine, it doesn’t need to be a massive party.

altiara · 03/09/2018 21:13

YABU. She’s said she’s sad you don’t socialise with her and her DH, you could have replied “i’d love too, let’s set up a date”, if you’re feeling it’s not doable just yet say so “just need some time first to recover from xx as it was more stressful than I thought it’d be” and “we’re just getting the house back to normal after DS’s xxx hobbies so finally will be able to have to over....”

I’m not surprised your friend is cross if you’re happy to socialise at her house with her organising/paying/hosting etc yet you can’t. Your friend probably held off thinking I wonder how long it will take for an invite...

Twotailed · 03/09/2018 21:18

Look at how you’ve flown off the handle at other posters here and the emotionally manipulative language you have used here and consider whether actually it is you who is the issue here...

bubbles108 · 03/09/2018 21:21

Wow.

You're bad tempered, entitled and very childish.

I don't blame your BF for blocking you. You make me feel weary.

Lalliella · 03/09/2018 22:28

OP has said she’s taken on board what we’ve been telling her and is going to send flowers and apologise. Why are some of you still laying into her? Mumsnet is really nasty today.

trojanpony · 03/09/2018 22:43

Maybe if I want to salvage this, some flowers and an apology would be in order?

This x 10
Ywbu.
You will need more than a “very sorry!!!” I would write a detailed message focusing on her feelings, andbe v apologetic about overreacting and misinterpretating her message

NintendoSwitch · 03/09/2018 23:29

God, you sound self absorbed and hard work, OP. I don't blame your friend for acting like she did!

PurpleArmy · 03/09/2018 23:42

I think facebook is the curse of modern communication.
Pick up the phone and talk to her.

Dieu · 04/09/2018 00:40

You asked how to make it up?

Easy. You text and apologise to her, for your complete overreaction to her original comment.

You seem to make everything about you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2018 00:46

To precis...

She used to invite you over but you didn't reciprocate and a few months ago she stopped inviting you because it was all one-way. She probably felt sad and a little resentful but said nothing. She has justified it in her head by thinking, "Oh but Muddle never has anyone over". Then you did. She said something then.

Then you got mad at her.

KlutzyDraconequus · 04/09/2018 00:53

Glad I don't have friends. Sounds tedious and hard..

Strokes cats..

WeightorWhite · 04/09/2018 06:50

YABU and we've all had "friends" in our lives like you! Take, take, take but never reciprocate, always thinking their lives are busier and they don't have time. But gladly take off all around them.

Original poster

MrsMuddlePluck · 05/09/2018 23:13

Ok OK OK - flowers and an apology I said!

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 06/09/2018 00:04

Id have done the same as your friend OP. Even your reactions so early on in thread show that you're just hard work. Most people reach the end of their tether eventually with that kind of thing in life. It's too wearing.

Her initial message to you wasn't bad, although I can see why you'd be a little defensive. But your anger was over the top. She was asking to socialise with you a bit more, she wasn't criticising you or pushing you away.

Even your last 'OK OK' comment - I doubt you truly want to apologise as you believe you're in the right anyway. So why bother? Just stay true to yourself.

WizzbangWallopWot · 06/09/2018 06:36

@MrsMuddlePluck fliowers, sorry and an invitation for dinner?

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 06/09/2018 08:01

I think you should only apologise if you know why you are apologising and can admit to yourself that you were in the wrong, otherwise you are just paying lip service and that isn't fair on your friend

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