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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re my friend and her anxiety

42 replies

Jujujuile · 03/09/2018 13:47

I know anxiety is a real mental disorder and I am not judging sufferers.

But I cannot have her around me any longer. She’ll get changed three or four times when we go out, and make me help her decide what to wear. Then she’ll change her mind and we have to go through the whole thing again.

Answer was to insist on meeting at a venue. Once there she can’t even catch a cab home on her own, and cries if people won’t leave when she wants to.

She’s obsessed with her health and spoils a meal for everyone with her worrying when a group of friends eats out. We didn’t tell her last time because she dictates where we should eat. When she found out she rang me in tears.

I can’t have her staying over anymore, and a group of us are going away. We can’t have her ruining our holiday again.

Anyone else know someone like this and how did you deal with her?

OP posts:
FlipnTwist · 03/09/2018 13:59

I know anxiety is a real mental disorder and I am not judging sufferers

But you are- your friend!

FissionChips · 03/09/2018 14:03

What would she do if someone refused to accompany her in a cab?

MsOliphant · 03/09/2018 14:04

Well, I'd definitely want her to get some kind of help as that sounds utterly exhausting. I'm sorry if it's not a popular view but I'd struggle with that.

I say that as someone who has had mental health issues in the past.

MissusGeneHunt · 03/09/2018 14:05

Is she getting any help for her bouts of (what sound like) very heightened anxiety? There seems to be lots of different issues for her here. I do take your point about how difficult it must be for you and surrounding friends (before anyone flames me for that, I have a diagnosed MH condition myself and am acutely aware of how it can affect others), but also a person with such conditions may need help to help themselves and / or be helped to get professional support. I feel some sympathy for all parties here.

fuzzyfozzy · 03/09/2018 14:07

That sounds exhausting.
Yes I'd meet her out.
If you talked before a night out and said I'll be leaving when I want to, would she still come?

MJandKB · 03/09/2018 14:19

Bit of a strange one ?? I have anxiety but would never force people to leave because of me? I really despise busy places and don't tend to go out at weekends but if my sister wants to meet at Nando's on a sat we just get seated in the corner Hmm

fuzzyfozzy · 03/09/2018 14:20

Could she be anxious and controlling?

recklessgran · 03/09/2018 14:20

Can't you just tell her "we're meeting here for a meal if you'd like to join us?" rather than let her dictate where you eat. Has her anxiety been properly diagnosed/treated? She really sounds as though she needs professional help OP. Sorry but no idea how best to deal with this.

Lisabel · 03/09/2018 14:23

Poor girl. Bear in mind that her anxiety makes her 100x more distressed, than it makes you annoyed.

Please don't drop her. Instead explain the things that are a problem and work with her to find solutions e.g. if she can't go in a taxi alone then can you meet close to her house so that she can walk or can she arrange a lift from someone else at a specific time; let her know that you choose what you eat and that she cannot tell you or your group of friends what to eat etc.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 03/09/2018 14:27

But you are- your friend!

I think there’s a big difference between judging someone and expressing your feeling of exhaustion due to their behaviour.

If she’s going to get upset and cry if you do anything without her, yet not be flexible enough to let others be happy too, then she’s going to lose friends. That’s not people being mean but realistically everyone else can’t be expected to put their lives on hold, go home at 8pm, never go on holiday etc because of one person.

She does need help and I think all OP can do is suggest it and meet her sometimes but maintain very firm boundaries about what she does outside that friendship. If this person really can’t handle OP having her own life then the friendship needs to end.

akerman · 03/09/2018 14:32

I suffer from anxiety and am sympathetic about how it makes you convinced that irrational situations are bound to happen. But I don't expect everyone else's night out to revolve around my anxiety. I suspect that I bore people going on about things, but I truly don't demand that other people put themselves out in the way that your friend does. I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm sorry to say that I think she is. Having anxiety does not mean that you have a right to demand that everyone else does what you want.

TacoFriday · 03/09/2018 14:33

As it’s always been said here, friendship is a two way street. If she actually brings nothing to the relationship, then you shouldn’t feel guilty about dropping her. If she is a good supporting friend to you, and her anxiety only spoils nights out / holidays, you can continue to be her friend and support her but still chose not to go on a holiday with her.

I can’t believe she cries and tries to guilt her friends. That’s not mental illness, that’s manipulation.

maxthemartian · 03/09/2018 14:34

I have anxiety and she would do my tits in.

Actually fed up of seeing anxiety and depression used as an excuse for an array of crap behaviours.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 14:36

But you are- your friend!

No she's not. People don't have to put up with things that are detrimental to them just because the other person can't help it. It's not judgemental, its maintaining boundaries appropriately.

Hellebroni · 03/09/2018 14:37

This is such a tough one. You are not BU for wanting to go out without her, as it's easy to see how her anxiety can ruin an experience for all. But she is also very much not BU.

I suffer from anxiety and recognise the imposition it has on friends and family. Lisabel's advice is good to find ways around the problems her anxiety causes. Talk to her about what you can do, there may be a lot of things that can stop this being such an issue. However if it can't then continuing the friendship as a charity case where you try to avoid inviting her isn't likely to end well, so you have to decide if the friendship, with all its remaining quirks, works for you.

Recklessgran's idea may offer a midpoint, where you arrange some nights out that you know will work for her and others that won't, invite her to all to give her the option but be clear on what you're doing and where you're going in advance.

And of course helping her get professional help if she hasn't already may help a lot, but I imagine if she's been diagnosed with anxiety issues she's getting/had some?

Scarydinosaurs · 03/09/2018 14:40

When suffering with anorexia I lost a lot of friends. I completely understand because I was very difficult to be around, and it wasn’t easy to be ‘my friend’. Some of those friendships have been salvaged. Lots haven’t. Sadly, it is what happens.

As a friend, you can encourage her to seek medical help and support her in that, without having to see her socially.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 03/09/2018 14:41

That really does sound exhausting and as much as I know the general advice is support support support you do also have to care for yourself

MH issues are really tough but there is a point where you can't rely on others to permanently manage you.

It's hard because there can be different kinds of response ...i cry when frustrated with myself sometimes when my MH prevents me from doing something but not in front of others and never to get them to do something but have also had a friend who would entirely cry to manipulate others and hugely used her MH concerns as a manipulative tool.

I think only you know which she is but there is no shame in stepping away for your own self care at all

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/09/2018 14:50

Yanbu at all. She sounds like hard work but for me it would depend on whether or not she was getting help as to what I would do. If she recogised she was a pain to be with and was getting help I would be patient but if she wasn't getting help or trying then no I couldn't put up with that. Either way I definitely wouldn't be going on holiday with her, I would only meet at a venue and say in advance you will not be leaving with her.

What did you say to her after she found out about the night out? Were you honest with her?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 03/09/2018 14:53

Does she truly try to manage her condition? I have GAD so I'm not without sympathy, but the truth is that by doing the hard work you can make it much more manageable. It doesn't have to rule you. If she was honestly trying, doing hard stuff to manage it, I'd find it easier to handle. If she's making it worse by using it as an excuse and not working on herself, I would have to consider whether I could cope with it.

You do have to look after yourself too.

Juells · 03/09/2018 14:55

It sounds very controlling. Why does she need to change so many times? It's quite self-obsessed.

CSIblonde · 03/09/2018 14:59

Would she read CBT for Dummies? It's great for anxiety & catastrophising. I had this with a friend. We could only do what she she liked which was 6hour shopping trips (Trying 20things on & buying nothing). o
I just started meeting at her place for a meal instead. (She wouldn't see anyone re her depression & anxiety) .

somethingunique · 03/09/2018 15:00

I’d try and prompt her to go to her GP and see if there’s any extra support/therapy they can offer. Does she have a diagnosis?

I have MH issues and can empathise with having intense anxiety on nights out and social situations. But I would hate to ruin anyone else’s night. When I’m really bad I’ll make my excuses and cancel or leave early. Sometimes this might effect my DP (although I try to keep this to a minimum).

I don’t think it’s fair to use MH problems as a way to manipulate those around you. Perhaps you could explain how you can support her to a certain extent, but you’re finding it a strain on your friendship when she has control over every social interaction (when you leave on nights out, restaurants you go to etc).

badtime · 03/09/2018 15:00

I have anxiety.

I would not want anything to do with this person. She sounds completely self-obsessed, and like she uses her anxiety like a bludgeon to get her own way.

Piffle11 · 03/09/2018 15:02

I have social anxiety and it was pretty bad when I was younger. I can remember getting changed numerous times, making us late, and my poor friend waiting patiently, not knowing what to say to help. Eventually I pretty much stopped going out altogether, and she found a new set of friends, which I don't blame her for doing. I am better now - not completely over it, doubt that will ever happen - but I had to make the effort to get over it, to work on myself, so to speak. The worry is that if you and others allow her to dictate how your social events progress/pan out - in order to keep her happy - then she will never have the need or inclination to get help. You really need to put yourself first occasionally, you know! I really understand where you're coming from and I think going away without her is the only way you'll have a good holiday. But she needs to be told straight: no ghosting or avoiding the issue. I think if this was a DP being this way then the responses would be how controlling s/he is, and that you should get out. I don't think it's any different in this instance: her anxiety is having a massively negative impact on you.

Lolipoplady · 03/09/2018 15:04

@TacoFriday my anxiety makes me cry when I'm distressed, it's very embarrassing. So it may be that she becomes so anxious/distressed about needing to leave that she cries, rather than that she's crying in order to manipulate.

I might be wrong of course but just wanted to point that out as a possibility!

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