AIBU re my friend and her anxiety

[Jujujuile]

I know anxiety is a real mental disorder and I am not judging sufferers.

But I cannot have her around me any longer. She’ll get changed three or four times when we go out, and make me help her decide what to wear. Then she’ll change her mind and we have to go through the whole thing again.

Answer was to insist on meeting at a venue. Once there she can’t even catch a cab home on her own, and cries if people won’t leave when she wants to.

She’s obsessed with her health and spoils a meal for everyone with her worrying when a group of friends eats out. We didn’t tell her last time because she dictates where we should eat. When she found out she rang me in tears.

I can’t have her staying over anymore, and a group of us are going away. We can’t have her ruining our holiday again.

Anyone else know someone like this and how did you deal with her?

That sounds like a cross with anxiety and maybe a bit of OCD because there’s some things she really feels she can’t do.
Friendships do become one way sometimes when there’s severe mental health issues - I think being there is important but to your limits? Otherwise one sided friendship becomes a burden. I learnt this the hard way after years and years of trying to help someone - it all came to a head when their behaviours effected life events that were very important to me. I then put our friendship in a box where I no longer became their rescuer - and it made me listen more objectively and help rather than enable.
I would be meeting her on her turns sometimes but it’s perfectly ok to do things you want to do with others.
Just recognise that she probably doesn’t choose to be like this.

Is she getting help for it?

i think the main thing here is that she gets some help - does she have any? A kind and gentle chat with her about what help is available to her,- I have mental health problems and sometimes when I am especially ill, I need someone to point it out to me that my behaviour has become erratic, because I am not thinking logically and clearly.

I totally understand that it is very hard for friends and family to cope with any illness where the symptoms are behavioural, because we have such strict for what is accepted as a norm of behaviour in our society. If your friend had a physical illness that meant she always neede someone to give her a life, or she couldn;t eat certain foods, or something, I'm sure you;d all be willing to accommodate that.

No one who has anxiety or any kind of mental illness enjoys it, she will be hating how she is compelled to behave far more than you do.

But she needs help, friends will only tolerate so much for so long - that's a reality, not necessarily a very palatable one but there it is.

What help is she getting - medication. therapy, etc .? Does she have good contact with her GP, what resources can she access, does she have family support?

I feel for everyone involved in this situation, it isn't easy for any of you.

Not much to add to what others have already said, except to say that I sympathise greatly with both you and your friend. I suffered with anxiety related to an ED (still have to fight against it sometimes even now) and while I wouldn't have created drama and insisted on everything having to be done in exactly the way I wanted it, I also wished that some of my friends were more understanding. If I turned down an invitation to go and get something to eat after work, it wasn't because I didn't want to see my friends, it was because I couldn't bear to eat in front of other people. If I called up to cancel plans at the last minute, it was usually because I'd spent two hours trying on and rejecting every outfit I owned, before deciding that I was too disgusting to be seen in public. I was an exhausting nightmare sometimes, but I was fully aware of that and I really didn't want to be.

My advice would be to keep inviting her to things, but be firm that you've already made the plans and you're just asking her if she wants to come along. The worst thing for me was that, after I'd turned down a couple of invitations to things, people stopped asking. I still wanted to be asked, though, because there would be times when I did want to go, and I did also suggest outings myself when I was feeling up to it.

Does your friend ever actually instigate/organise nights out herself?

I suffer with mental health issues and have done for a number of years. I have anxiety, agoraphobia, PTSD, and have panic attacks. I do sympathize with your friend but also with you aswell. I know it's been tough on my partner.

I got to the point where I couldn't even walk to and from work and my partner has to come meat me, and in the end I stopped going out altogether. I used to cry when I couldn't cope with my attacks.

I'm getting help for my mental health but it's a slow process. I can't go out on my own still but I would never dictate where to go or eat, that's just insane.

Maybe try and sit her down and have a talk about her issues. If she has not gotten help for her mental health maybe accompany her to her gp. I know I was terrified when I started to realize I needed help, and was scared that my gp would not take me seriously.

Please don't drop her because of her illness, but try and help her through it. I wouldn't be on the road to recovery if it wasn't for my partner. Even though I'm no where near to being " back to normal " I am slowly getting there

Sounds like there’s more going on than anxiety. I suffer with anxiety but I wouldn’t force people to change their plans to fit around it, if someone invited me out to somewhere I didn’t like I just wouldn’t go, not make a fuss about it. I don’t even tell most people I have anxiety, I tend to just avoid things that get me anxious or a deal with it quietly. I know if I want to keep friends then I have to compromise.

I have anxiety about being late so I couldn’t cope with the changing of clothes before going out, I would be ready early and arrive early.

I have aspergers and anxiety that goes with that. My boyfriend is also autistic and has terrible anxiety.

Before learning I had AS, I was diagnosed in my teens with anxiety and depression so I am not lacking in sympathy, understanding or awareness.

Her behaviour is unacceptable in a friendship.

I agree with telling her, in advance, where you are going and what time you are meeting. She can google menus, see photos of the outside/inside of the venue and plan her route there and back - all of which my boyfriend and I do. Sometimes we will do 'dummy runs' to the venue at a time that means no pressure or stress.

There is no way that either of us would expect anyone else to accommodate our needs to the extent that your friend is doing. Getting upset because people won't leave when she wants to is, frankly, ridiculous.

Sometimes I cancel at the last minute; sometimes I make my excuses and leave early. I always have an 'exit plan' for a situation but it would make my anxiety worse (and the anxiety of everyone I know who experiences anxiety) if I felt that I was impacting negatively on someone else's life.

There's a fair bit of control and self centredness going on here along with the anxiety.

I sympathise.

I was supportive to a colleague with anxiety - certain things used to set him off. But it became unhealthy for me when I knew that he was about to be triggered, and lean on me for support I wasn't qualified to give or had time for (say, when a particular person visited our offices).

It would make me stressed, and yes, anxious. Sometimes it is grossly unfair to expect the neurotypical person to be perfect, when allowing the person with MH difficulties carte blance.

Have you told her how you feel and how behaviour is making it impossible to spend time with her? I think you should. She might have anxiety issues, but she also seems very manipulative and controlling. Having anxiety is not an excuse to be an arsehole.

Yanbu and yabu. Read first before judge
I have bad anxiety to the point I wouldn't leave the house for years. Long story short I finally got diagnosed with a rare medical issue that's now sort of controlled so less anxious but still pretty anxious.
Your anxious friend would say yabu but the thing is when your that anxious you think of things differently, you get paranoid and all that.
Yanbu because, you aren't her therapist or carer you are her friend. You can be there for her but what I don't understand, when I was really bad I wouldn't be annoyed at everyone for leaving me out because at the end of the day, they'd do something with me once in a while I was comfortable with and I just thought I was so lucky to have people that put up with me.
I can see it from both sides - after my medical issue was sorted I paid for private therapy and found I'd lost all my confidence even as far as I'd lost the confidence in my body to even work. Basically, small steps. I only go out now to do things I want, for example if I want a haircut I'll go to the salon which is outrageous for me as I wouldn't even put my own bin out a few months ago. But with the correct help and actually working on myself I've even started going shopping, never alone though, but I will get there.
I think your friend would benefit from some help but until she wants to get it I don't know what you can do.
Maybe just explain to her about how you're feeling people did this to me and half the time I realised how silly I was and the other half I was paranoid everyone hated me and everyone's anxiety is honestly so different.
She seems a lot better than me in that she can get in a car or taxi and be out ect so I would advise she sees someone so she doesn't end up how I did because it's really hard to get over the first bit, but then once she realises ( for example ) oh wow I can get a taxi on my own in a 10 min car ride, and keeps it up, she will FLY through it as you have the knowledge you've done it and you can do it and even if it was really intense you got through it.
I hope she is OK and I hope you have an honest open chat ( probably at her house or somewhere she's comfortable and can totally open up ) as I don't think she'd want to lose the friendships and if she does a quick Google search there are plenty of places she can talk to other people with the same anxieties, and I don't know if I ever will really get rid of anxiety? But with help I've not let it rule my life and it's starting to become white noise to me, I hope she can do the same!!

YANBU IMHO - and I HAVE GAD.

Mental health issues can be very difficult to handle. My kid has a friend who is diagnosed as bipolar but I strongly suspect she also has borderline personality disorder. (Classic signs, but she can't be diagnosed for 3 years yet as she's only 15, and her parents are immigrants and their English isn't the best, so I can't really bring it up with them.) This girl is absolutely EXHAUSTING and we are trying to discourage the friendship because it's hard on DSD.

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do for your friend unless she WANTS to change.

My DD is going through this with one of her best friends at the moment. She's trying really hard to be supportive. They are a group of 7/8 friends who met at school and have stayed in touch... some at uni, some at work, some with young families. All with their own stresses. But this girl now totally dictates how/why/where/when the group meetings take place. It can't be outdoors, she gets panicky. Can't be with a crowd. Can't be noisy or brightly lit. Can't eat in front of others. Can't drive. It's getting to the point where they are all really struggling to be around her..... it's so sad, but she's refusing to do what her GP is suggesting, and talked her parents into paying for a £5k therapy week which if anything has made her even worse. They have a group chat that she posted on saying they weren't allowed to ask her how she is, that just puts pressure on her so they can only ask if she's done something nice recently . The worse part is that one of the group recently lost her Dad.... he dropped down dead at a family party and she's so deeply traumatised by it all. They all met up to offer support and it ended up being a support meeting for the friend with anxiety instead who made it all about her.

They've now started another chat without her, and meet up separately..... they see her once a month, and she's in control of that meeting only, not all the others which seems to be helping them all cope with her.

My ds suffers anxiety (he's autistic) so I get how draining it is for the sufferer and those around them.

However I've never made ds anxiety anyone else's problem (well other than his keyworker at school but that's her job! And she's FANTASTIC)

I do expect people to be empathetic and non judgemental about things when he can't join in. But I don't expect others to curtail their own enjoyment for him.

Imo she needs to work on her own anxiety through whatever available means and you should facilitate her joining in and not actively exclude her. But she has to take responsibility for herself and if she can't manage to join in without dictating to the rest of the group then she's not ready for that activity yet.

Anxiety is horrible. It's extremely debilitating and exhausting. But the rest of the world doesn't stop because people suffer.

My ds also has CP. when we join family on walks at camping we often drive to end place and meet or if short enough walk there and taxi back. We don't make others cut their day short - but we expect them to arrange a time and place we can meet. And I always end up with my cousins younger children coming back with me (which is fine!) as there's space in car/taxi! Like I say. I expect people to be inclusive but why should they have plans that revolve around ds all weekend?

My mum had anxiety. It was so draining - no crowds, no escalators, constant reassurance. She early didn't come to my wedding. All my sister and my 'big' occasions became about her and how she was going to manage. You have my sympathy.

I wouldn’t put that sort of behaviour purely down to anxiety?
Trying to force people to eat what she chooses? Crying when people don’t leave a place when she’s ready to go??

Crying when people don’t leave a place when she’s ready to go??
I could sort of understand this if she's getting so worked up because she needs to leave (because of anxiety) but doesn't feel able to leave alone and therefore needs others to be leaving too. But equally it's not fair on everyone else. I'm another with anxiety & it does stop me doing a lot but I'd not (generally) expect others to change their plans for me. I might say that I can only meet on a certain day or in a certain place but then I'd understand if that didn't work for them & therefore we didn't get to meet at that time. I know that I'd probably manage to be more reasonable at another time when life was feeling less stressy.
Could you try her getting a cab and you then driving back to meet her at her home so she can prove she can do it but still having you there at the other end as a semi-safety blanket? Do it once and then you can remind her in future that she's done it once, it was simple and so in future she can leave when she wants.
As for where you eat - go with PP suggestions of telling her where you're meeting, no alternative (so and so really wants to go there for a change), and she's welcome to come along too. Or don't invite her and then when she rings you crying tell her that she wasn't invited because she always picks the location & others wanted a change they knew she'd not agree to.

The kinds of activities you describe trigger her anxiety. She should focus on her own wellbeing and not participate in this kind of thing. She also should be more aware and not overly burden others with her issues.

I have anxiety and depression. I manage it myself by avoiding things that do not work for me. I still see friends, and possibly too much of my own terms. But everyone leaves happy after. You should be clear with your friend that all the drama around nights out and meals is not just unpleasant but unnecessary. By enabling this behavior you just preventing her from tackling it.