Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give him an ultimatum?

36 replies

Tammybright · 03/09/2018 10:40

Name changed.
OK... so I've been seeing my DP for three years. I have a child. She's not his. We don't live together. The hope, for me, was to eventually settle down together and go about life as a team. When I met him... he was "in between jobs". OK. That happens. Three years later, he's still "looking". It's just that he doesn't seem to be looking that hard. He's very well qualified. He has a Phd. He just went through a long exam/interview process for a teaching position. He got it. But, it doesn't start until September 2019. Yesterday, he told me he wasn't going to look for a job over the next 12 months. And then... that he might not take this job anyway because it's too far away. So, he'll be on the dole again. He likes being on the dole. I know this deep down, but I just keep thinking he'll change. Every now and again, he makes big efforts to go for some highbrow mega job, doesn't get it and then has a couple of months off again. AIBU to expect more? I never ask him for money. He's lovely with my child. But, I want more out of life. I just don't respect someone who makes these kind of choices. What should I do?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/09/2018 10:45

Find someone else who makes better choices. It's not unreasonable to want a partner to contribute to your life. He sounds incredibly unambitious and it's not remotely attractive.

recklessgran · 03/09/2018 10:48

Sorry OP but this isn't going to work is it? You don't seem to be on the same page in terms of common shared goals. He doesn't seem to have a work ethic at all so perhaps you don't want the same things out of life. I think you need a serious discussion about all this before you waste any more time.

ellendegeneres · 03/09/2018 11:18

Tbh when I was dating I specifically didn’t go on dates with people with that kind of work ethic.
I worked, loved what I did and loved being able to show my ds a strong work ethic and show him that just because I’m a single parent doesn’t mean I can’t still take care of us both.

Now, I’m 2+ years into a relationship where I’m unable to work due to disability, and he knows what it does to my brain not being able to be part of the work force. It’s like torture. But I need to get my body into a state where work is possible before considering my options. I don’t think dp would be very attracted to me if I was proud about being lazy and not ever wanting to work again

Original poster
Tammybright · 03/09/2018 11:54

Thanks for your answers. I'm very ambitious and work really hard. I want my daughter to be proud of me and I want to show her what independent women are capable of. Sometimes, I take on too much... and so what I'm looking for really is someone who is motivated. I'm not that bothered about the money side of it. I had my daughter on my own and I can provide for her. It would be easier to have another wage coming in, but I wouldn't ask that of someone. He ticks a lot of boxes. He's very bright. I love talking to him. We have the same sens of humour. He's very kind to my daughter. But, he lives in a tip. He is tight with his money. Part of me agrees with him. We don't live in the UK. The unemployment money he gets is pretty good. If he just went and got a job now... he might only get a couple of hundred more a month. He is over-qualified for most jobs and not experienced enough for the ones that pay. But... he doesn't care. He is relieved when a job offer falls through. He's just pissing about. I told him that I wasn't particularly impressed the other day and his reply was that he doesn't ask me to change anything about myself or what to do with my life, so why should I ask him? I just feel as well that I'm knocking on a bit. I live in the middle of nowhere. I have self-confidence issues. I work from home. I never get out. I have a kid. How would I meet someone else? Someone as bright as him. That's what it comes down to for me. I need someone on my wavelength. But, someone with a bit more fire in him. I'm feeling really fed up. Everything else is in place. I see his family, he sees mine, we go on trips, we laugh, we have fun days out... it's all there. Just this work ethic thing.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 03/09/2018 11:56

Unless he is 18 he won't change.
Ltb.

trojanpony · 03/09/2018 12:51

he was "in between jobs". OK. That happens. Three years later, he's still "looking".

NOT OK!!!!
I’d leave.

Lack of work ethic would be a deal breaker and for what you wrote it doesn’t sound like you are on the same page as him.
Online dating (while it can contain some mild peril) is a great way to meet people.

minmooch · 03/09/2018 13:05

Sounds like an absolute lazy arsed waster to me. Not someone prepared to do what they should to proved for themselves and a family.

Do not live with this man. Do not marry this man and on no account have a child with him

After 3 years he has no intention of working.

See him as he is - a lazy waster bleeding the benefits system.

minmooch · 03/09/2018 13:09

You asked what you should do? Dump him.

There is no point issuing him with an ultimatum. You and your relationship should have been enough to get a job.

Raise your bar. You don't respect his choices (which at the end of the day he is entitled to make) so why would you stay with him.

This is not a family man.

butlerswharf · 03/09/2018 13:13

The lack of work ethic would be a no no for me. Too lazy.

Ethylred · 03/09/2018 13:28

You don't respect him. Move on. Respect is crucial.

Original poster
Tammybright · 03/09/2018 13:29

I'm dripfeeding a bit here... so sorry about that. I might also be trying to defend him and I recognise that too. He knew I was really not particularly impressed with the whole no job thing and so took a maternity cover position for nine months. This then entitled him to more money from the benefits system here. Until December this year, he'll be paid almost 80% of his salary by the state. The teaching position was something he worked hard for (ish).... but then he found out it wouldn't be until the next academic year... and even then, it wouldn't be a definite job. There'd be a trial period of a year. SO... he might try out some exams for a different kind of teaching job. The exams would be in April. Four days of exams. It's not exactly a big deal is it? He has professional plans for four days. I just feel like I'm waiting for him to get his act together all the time. And now, it might be another year. You see, even though the jobs that are available round here don't require a Phd... so what? Just get off your arse!!! I wouldn't mind if he was doing charity work or something. Anything. He just sleeps, eats, watches films and plays chess. It's a battle. I do need to raise my bar. I'm so stressed. I have three massive deadlines that make me panic on the inside all the time. I'm trying to be a good mother. I almost don't want the upset of a break-up. SO... I'm trying to find ways around it. I do love him. He has a lot of good points. I'm scared of being on my own. Scared of starting again. God, I'm such a whiny twat. I don't know how I got here.

OP posts:
CityFarmer · 03/09/2018 13:37

The answer is....
He won't change, soon.
Are you ok with that? If so continue.
If you can't accept it, time to move on.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 03/09/2018 13:53

Christ Almighty, in terms of partnership material, he sounds hideous. Honestly, don't be scared of being on your own, it really isn't the worst situation to be in. Besides, if you do give him an ultimatum (and I really wouldn't blame you if you did), I imagine he will turn tail and you'll be on your own anyway. But at least you'll see the true measure of him (if you haven't already).

I'm fascinated to know which country makes it so worthwhile to be unemployed though - is it one of the Scandinavian countries?

Frusso · 03/09/2018 14:08

Stop making excuses for for him. leave him and find someone with a good work ethic that matches your own.
You don't need to settle for lazy slobbish behaviour, because you claim to love him, do you really want to end up supporting this guy because he can't be arsed to pull his finger out, you are better than that.
Also consider your daughter is learning about relationships from you and yours, would you be happy if (one day) she described her bf as you have described yours? what would you be advising her?

Original poster
Tammybright · 03/09/2018 14:18

Yes... I can see that you're all right. I'm going to have to have a talk with him about it all. I want my daughter to only have the best I can offer her. And that means being happy in or out of a relationship. I am always very very careful about the atmosphere in my house. I never want arguments in front of her, for her to see me cry.... I can't be worried about myself and about him (especially if he's not worried about himself at all). He's just cruising along. He never offers to help me in the house or with money. I don't need his help... but I would quite like to be asked sometimes. I do feel quite alone anyway. Part of my feels proud to be doing this on my own, but part of me would appreciate the security and support and love of a partner. I feel like I've done everything I can to help him. He sees me as as demanding. And I'm really not. I'm too easy-going. It's true that I would be saying what you've all been saying if I read this thread.

OP posts:
MumW · 03/09/2018 14:29

On top of everything else, you say that you feel alone. You are not in a relationship. Go and find a bloke that you love and respect and who loves and repects you in return.
I think you'll find you are a lot happy and no longer feel alone.
I appreciate that it's easy for me to say that and hard for you to do but I hope you find the strength and courage to make a change. Flowers

Original poster
Tammybright · 03/09/2018 15:26

Thank you everyone. I need to get some courage from somewhere to sort this out. It's true that he would have changed by now if he was going to. I think one of the things that gets me is that why am I not enough for him to want to change? What would it take? I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I can't help thinking... what if I was thinner, prettier, had a better house blah, blah, blah. I need to get out of this mindset.

OP posts:
Losingthewill1 · 03/09/2018 15:28

Drop him
Drop him

He’s not going to change

minmooch · 03/09/2018 15:55

Here is how to change your mindset.

He is not good enough for you.

You deserve and can do better.

You owe it to your daughter to show her that her mother will not put up with less than she deserves.

You do this on your own anyway.

You will feel so so much better when you have done this.

Show your daughter you respect yourself and how strong you are.

You can do this!

Frusso · 03/09/2018 16:09

To add to minmooch

It's not you - it's him.

You don't live with him so you don't have the hassle of kicking him out.

He's not your child's parent.

Your daughter is learning from you. Set the best example you can.

You do not need to settle for less than you deserve. He is less than you deserve.

MumW · 03/09/2018 16:51

why am I not enough for him to want to change?
Pah! You are too good for him, that's the problem.

Neshoma · 03/09/2018 17:36

We don't live in the UK.

Good, I'm pleased it's not the British taxpayer funding your lazy BF.

Original poster
Tammybright · 03/09/2018 17:50

Neshoma - It's the taxpayers here though. They're not British people, but they're still people. I'm one of them. I'm British. Does it make it all a bit worse if Brits have to pay for him?

OP posts:
Neshoma · 03/09/2018 18:17

So he's capable of working, has good qualifications but sits on his arse all day?

minmooch · 03/09/2018 19:19

It makes it worse if anyone pays for him when he's capable of working. It takes money from those who really need it.

See him for what he is - lazy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread