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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give him an ultimatum?

36 replies

Tammybright · 03/09/2018 10:40

Name changed.
OK... so I've been seeing my DP for three years. I have a child. She's not his. We don't live together. The hope, for me, was to eventually settle down together and go about life as a team. When I met him... he was "in between jobs". OK. That happens. Three years later, he's still "looking". It's just that he doesn't seem to be looking that hard. He's very well qualified. He has a Phd. He just went through a long exam/interview process for a teaching position. He got it. But, it doesn't start until September 2019. Yesterday, he told me he wasn't going to look for a job over the next 12 months. And then... that he might not take this job anyway because it's too far away. So, he'll be on the dole again. He likes being on the dole. I know this deep down, but I just keep thinking he'll change. Every now and again, he makes big efforts to go for some highbrow mega job, doesn't get it and then has a couple of months off again. AIBU to expect more? I never ask him for money. He's lovely with my child. But, I want more out of life. I just don't respect someone who makes these kind of choices. What should I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tammybright · 04/09/2018 09:27

I know you're all right. I've been thinking about it all night and I feel so upset about it. Something has to be done and I just keep putting it off.

OP posts:

HappydaysArehere · 04/09/2018 09:32

Get shot of him. He sounds just like my daughter’s first husband who made every ridiculous excuse not to work. Teaching is hard work and needs commitment. He would never last. Believe me, disaster is his middle name.

serbska · 04/09/2018 09:55

He’s a looser. Get rid.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/09/2018 10:04

I think it's perfectly all right for people not to want to do waged work - far too many jobs are completely pointless anyway.
However, this man doesn't sound like a catch at all - not only is he uninterested in employment, he doesn't appear to be particularly interested in you, either.
I agree with PP that you should get rid of him - and then maybe look into some counselling or do some reading before you date again: I'm getting the impression that you started seeing this loser with a viewpoint of 'any man is better than not having a man' and while this one sounds relatively harmless, if you date from a starting point of desperation, you are likely to end up with either a loser or a man who is actively harmful to have in your life.

veggiethrower · 04/09/2018 12:02

Get rid.
I had an ex like this. He'd work for a bit and then quit and then sit about claiming unemployment benefit for a while. Then he'd get another job, then quit... and so it went on.
When I first started going out with him he had a job but I knew that he was unemployed for a year in the past after getting fired. I didn't think much of it at the time - can happen to anyone.
Then we wanted to emigrate to another country. He then decided to quit his job (9 months before we were due to leave) to give him the chance to do all the things in the UK he wanted to do before leaving forever. He did nothing - sat around and played computer games.
Then we emigrated and he signed up for a language course 3 mornings a week - this meant he was "too tired" to get a job in the evenings (of which there were many). And then the cycle of job, quit, unemployment benefit, job, quit, began....
Until the unemployment office here called his bluff and censured him.
I then gave him a month's notice to leave. He eventually went and landed on some friends in the UK for a while and lived off savings until they ran out. Then he had to get a job.

Sorry for rambling, but I wanted you to see that there are plenty of men out there like your DP and they don't change. They don't want to work and have every excuse under the sun for not working - ie. in my ex's case, I'm doing a language course so I can't do anything else. Idiot.
They also don't see WHY they should work. It's self-entitled behaviour.
They also don't help at home even though they are there all day because the don't see why they should do that either.
My ex spent up to 18 hours a day on the computer chatting in various online groups. I later managed to find his posts and it was unbelievable. He was living a fantasy life where he was an amazing sportsman in his spare time and knew everything about this sport. He also knew everything about household finances and finances generally. He knew how to save every last penny and scrounge off other people, that's for sure.

Honestly, OP, there will be some lovely man out there for you. You are better off without. My life got much better as soon as I got rid of that loser and after 3 years I met my DP who is a fantastic man.

OliviaStabler · 04/09/2018 12:09

So he is a tight, lazy sponger. Sounds exceptionally unattractive.

GabriellaMontez · 04/09/2018 12:29

Who will pay when you go on holiday? Who will benefit from the new car you buy?

Could you end up subsidising him while your daughter has to go without?

If you have a huge expense/bill one month will he help you? Does he have your back?

Not much of a team by the sound of it...

Rebecca36 · 04/09/2018 12:30

I don't think it matters too much as you are not living together, don't have joint finances. If you really care for eachother, enjoy your time together, why not just keep things as they are?

There are great advantages to not cohabiting, one of which is not having to see (him) lazing about at home rather than working (& you do work from home so no escape), his house being a tip is his problem and another is that your money is your own. So you have the best of both worlds without the responsibility.

I do not 'get' the compulsion to set up home with someone ; chances are you would be worse off financially if he moved in and your house would end up being a tip! You'd be rowing before long - and longing for the days when you lived separately.

Of course if you really desire a live in relationship that is quite different and you would be advised to ditch him and look for someone else. It all boils down to how much you love eachother.

OutPinked · 04/09/2018 12:32

Three years too late imo, you should’ve left a long time ago. The TLC song No Scrubs springs to mind . He won’t change, get out now while you can.

Original poster

Tammybright · 04/09/2018 14:39

Thanks for all you help! ALthough I can't imagine living with him any time soon, it is an avenue I would like to remain open for the future. My daughter and I are doing fine on our own and I want to do it on my own. We're a little team and we rock at it.
He does have my back in some ways. He has offered to do all my accounts and paperwork. He bought me a new computer. He buys my daughter extravagant presents for her birthdays and Christmas. If it's a "big" thing, he's happy to shell out. But, he would note that I don't buy the cheapest washing-up liquid or yoghurts or whatever. It's the little stuff. We're not alike. He doesn't want to eat out. Or, why give my DD an ice cream on the beach if I have some in the freezer. That sort of killjoy crap. I'm not extravagant... but I can't be arsed with counting literal pennies. He would have my back. There is love there... There is a connection...
But, if it were up to him, he'd never work... or he'd keep studying. There's a lot of online chess/gaming. A lot of films. A lot of sleeping. He doesn't take money from me. But, I tend to feed him at the weekends and do most of the driving.
We don't have the same values. He laughs at me sometimes and calls me a feminist ranter. I don't like that. I bought my daughter some "girl power" books and he turned it into a big joke. So, he doesn't always respect my choices for her.
I have a massive, massive project coming up. I tried very hard to win the contract and didn't think I would. I did! So... careful what you wish for! Anyway, I mentioned that I might give up an online teaching job I do for a month... to have the time to get this project done (and make a good job of it) and he started saying it was a bad idea because they might not take me back. And.. it was a bit rich. I wanted to temporarily put one of my (FOUR) f$*king jobs on hold because I'm finding it all a bit too much. I run a charity (a nightmare beyond all belief!), I'm on the PTA, I teach 15 hours a week , I have my daughter and I translate novels - all in a second language. I'm knackered and low and sometimes feel like I just need someone a bit more like me. He always says how proud he is and how much he admires me... but it doesn't push him into doing anything himself.

OP posts:

minmooch · 04/09/2018 15:41

He does not have your back! At some point you will realise this.

And it is the little things that count - not the big look at me Christmas presents. It's the cup of tea in bed, it's taking pressure off you when you are juggling 4 jobs!!!!

Every time you write it just shows more and more how unsuited you are.

You are so wasting your time with him.

Go and find your equal as he is not it.

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