To ask friend to stop phoning me

[laceygo]

I've told her numerous times to just text me (if it's not an important favour she needs etc) but every time I text her about something she'll phone me back to chat (which lasts for ages ) . I've told her I hate phone conversations, but she just laughs and thinks I'm joking. AIBU to keep ignoring her calls until she gets the message ?

I have a friend exactly like this, she always rings. I had to tell her because at one point she would be ringing 3 times a day. I got to the point where I dreaded texting her because I knew she would ring instead of a text reply.

I wouldn't mind but she is so self indulgent. The phone call would always be about an hour long and it would be about her for 55mins of it.

It's making me resentful cos there's stuff I'd like to text her about , eg ask her about her kids school today etc but I can't cos I know she'll phone me and I think my phone phobia is getting worse ... I just need to pull my big girl pants up and tell her exactly how I feel ... thanks again for replies

@FuckKnows0 exactly this.. same thing exactly and I just say 20 times I've got to go now but then it'll be another 10 minutes of convo about her

"Maybe you need to change friends if you don't want to speak to her"

There's always at least one on a thread. Eejit.

To all people suggesting that the OP isn't really a true friend, do bear in mind that a text, WhatsApp, email etc is a message that patiently and unobtrusively waits until you're ready to respond whereas a phone call is the equivalent of somebody running around the room screaming "Speak to me NOW! Speak to me NOW! Speak to me NOW!"

Does your friend have dyslexia or arthritis - or just a very old/basic, laborious handset - that makes calling much easier for her than texting?

Some people, however lovely they are, just don't understand boundaries and aren't very good at seeing things from others' point of view. If nobody manages to explain it to them and make them understand, they end up missing out so much - and it's usually the loneliest people who tend to do this in the first place and therefore come across as so needy and intense.

If people know that it's either an hour-long conversation with them or nothing, they have no real choice but to choose nothing; whereas a 3-minute chat ended with "Great to catch up, sorry got to go now", which will be respected, or an exchange of a few texts might have proven most acceptable. You're not avoiding THEM because you don't like THEM - you're avoiding the SITUATION because you just don't have the requisite spare TIME available.

"Maybe you need to change friends if you don't want to speak to her"

Are you the ultra needy friend? Maybe you need to start respecting that your friends are also people with their own busy lives and not just your own personal hotline to moan at length to whenever the fancy takes you.

I feel exactly the same. I hate speaking to people on the phone, especially when you know it will be a long call all about them! Ignore!

Next time she rings don't answer, but send a text back saying that you are serious about not answering the phone, and that you won't be answering her calls any more but are more than happy to text , WhatsApp and have a good old chin wag when you meet in person .

If she is as good a friend as you say, she will understand.

There aren't that many people I like talking to on the phone, but I find text conversations even more frustrating, especially for trying to plan things. I always find it quicker to speak rather than fiddle about with texts.

Some people on this thread are coming across as a bit superior.

Like I said we do meet up couple of times a week and if she really needed me of course I'd answer ... it's just the hour long calls that inevitably are all about her that I've had enough of, especially when I'm working , and just because she's not keen on texting
Which again brings it down to why should my preference be more important , which is why I wrote this thread .. but glad it's not just me that hates phone calls , I'm fine phoning for business or household things but not chit chat

Yup, with you OP, can't bear phone calls except for work etc. YANBU I think!

Oh god I have a friend like this too!!

If I ignore the calls she texts demanding I pick up

What the hell did people do before texting was invented? Not speak to anyone?

@greendale17 yeah... I loved it

I had a friend who would constantly ring at the most inopportune moments. All through the phone call I would tell her how busy I was, but she wouldn't take the hint, so I just ignored the phone when her number showed up. She got the message eventually.

@greendale17 before texting we used to chat on the phone with our friends. I feel like a dinosaur because DH and I still have a landline.

Greendale, in the 1950s my gran and her neighbour, both 'housewives' used to down tools at 11am and take it in turns to hop over the wall and go into the next door kitchen for a coffee. They would stay 15mins and go back home. They weren't even really friends, never socialised or went shopping together, kids played out but always knocked the front door. There were no automatic washing machines, no phone even landline, no freezer or takeaway, they both had a full meal cooked from scratch, on the table at 6.30 every night. That 15 mins every day kept them sane, and my gran often said it saved her life.

it's just the hour long calls that inevitably are all about her that I've had enough of

Did she have a gun to your head or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know some people struggle with confrontation but how hard is it to say you can’t or don’t want to talk now. In her mind she probably thinks you don’t mind seeing as you’ve been allowing it for so long.

You are trying to change her behavior when it would be so easy to change your own.

OP, that's funny what you said about business calls - I'm the opposite! Ringing up for appointments is not my favourite thing.

I do sympathise about the whinging, but would long strings of whiney texts really be any worse? I've currently got a needy, very negative friend whose favoured medium is Messenger. At least with a phone call, I can say that I've got to go somewhere/eat something/manage a delinquent dog at that precise moment. It's harder with texts to say "I'm doing x right now. I'll be free again after 8." They tend to stack up.

Why does your preference for texts take priority over her preference to speak by phone? Phone calls don't have to be lengthy. You can say you're happy to chat but not for long

Precisely. Sometimes it's quicker to talk than to text, especially when making plans.

If I had a friend who absolutely insisted that their method of communication was the only way (regardless of method), then that friendship wouldn't last long. There has to be give and take.

The friendship is definitely on the slide , phone calls are getting more continuous, about the most random stuff that could easily wait ... it's really starting to piss me off now

Life’s too short for this short of stress.
I’d stop answering tbh.

I wish you were my housemate. Long calls every day without fail, usually quite late at night too and it vibrates through my floor.

Though this has nothing to do with your thread.

YANBU.

@JustfiedandAncient OMG funniest thing ever cheers for that