To ask friend to stop phoning me

[laceygo]

I've told her numerous times to just text me (if it's not an important favour she needs etc) but every time I text her about something she'll phone me back to chat (which lasts for ages ) . I've told her I hate phone conversations, but she just laughs and thinks I'm joking. AIBU to keep ignoring her calls until she gets the message ?

Why does your preference for texts take priority over her preference to speak by phone?

Phone calls don't have to be lengthy. You can say you're happy to chat but not for long

My trick is to text back "I'm
In the cinema can't answer sorry"
I hate callers too

Just don't answer the phone?

@allthgoodusernamesaretaken this is the thing I was worried about , is my preference for texting more valid than her preference for calls... fair point .

@ThisMustBeMyDream Well that's a hell of a lot more rude and downright disrespectful to just stop replying to her! Did you not have the maturity to send a text telling her why you didn't want to stay friends?!?

Some people prefer to text, some prefer to call.
Just let it go to voicemail and then as PP have suggested drop her a text saying you can't talk at the moment, text me if you need something etc.

I hate talking on the phone too. It is not about not liking someone- one of my very best friends and I text maybe 20 times a day and see each other every week but I could count on my fingers the number of times we have spoken on the phone in 5 years. Partly because neither of us are bothered about talking and partly because we both do shift work and she has small kids so our conversations sometimes have significant gaps before we get back to each other. She can text me at 3am and I respond when I am awake or in the morning. A phone call wouldn't work like that. If someone called me every time I text them I would stop texting them I don't always have time to have a whole conversation

Hah!! Yes. Multiple times. It was a him. And he was diagnosed as a narc.
He didn't get the message. So I had to go NC.
He wanted all my time and attention. I didn't have it to give.
I don't really give a crap if it was rude. He was rude not doing as I asked. He regularly left 30 minute voicemails when I didn't pick up too.

Wow, you’re a miserable bunch! I love a good long phone chat with friends I don’t get to see very often. Also, as a pp said why is your preference more valid? Fair enough if you don’t want unexpected calls when you might be busy, but why not schedule a time and day to have a chat when you know you’re free? If a friend continuously didn’t answer or told me they were busy when I rang, I’d take that as them telling me in a roundabout way they didn’t want to be friends anymore, and probably back off completely

Text, or email, posting on forums and social media or even letters are all valid communication, but none is a substitute for a proper conversation. They are fine for exchange of info but a poor way of maintaining a relationship, for the very reasons they are convenient.
Ok as an extra if you see the person often. Many people prefer to meet face to face than phone, that's good if you can, but it's not always possible.
Phone calls can be planned, if you have a mismatch surely it's fair to use a mix of mediums, compromise.

We see each other maybe once or twice a week so it's not our only form of communication

I have a friend that will often ring. When we see that its her, me and the kids all say, "Oh no!" Because she takes up an hour with moans and groans about life! With absolutely no point to it. I dont mind a 5 minute conversation with a point behind it. If I dare text back saying " sorry missed your call, message me because I'm busy with the children." She will call.. again!!! Just ignore the calls!!

Oh yes! I have this too. Love said friend dearly but hate talking on the phone, I'm usually in the middle of something and things are pretty shit here at the moment and it's not always a good time (which if I do answer isn't picked up on so I have to put a brave face on). I usually don't answer and just message back later. Mind you it's an improvement as I did start a thread here once asking how to disable video calls on WhatsApp as she had a habit of that, blaming her dc I absolutely can't have video calls!

I hate getting caught up in lengthy text conversations. I end up looking at my phone for too long, squiffy eyes and aching thumbs. And it's usually something that can be discussed on the phone in half the time. You're not unreasonable to enjoy the simplicity of a quick text but it would be unreasonable to ask your friend not to phone you. She's your friend! Just don't answer on the occasions you're busy.

Why does your preference for texts take priority over her preference to speak by phone

Because a text takes seconds, and the OP says the phone calls are never quick. Also, you can text when it's convenient rather than being interrupted when you are busy or eg driving.

You are definitely not BU.

The difference between a text and a call is convenience. Your friend won't call you when she's up to the eyes in work, yet expects you to be free for a long chat when it suits her. Ask her to text you first before calling.

I hate people that do this OP. I also hate phone conversations. I know someone who does exactly the same but if I ignore she keeps phoning and doesn't text back, it's so frustrating!

I like having the thinking time that goes with text, tbh. I can read a message, then mull it over, then give a considered response rather than a spur of the moment one. I also hate the feeling of pressure to reply in a timely fashion that goes with phone calls; I am far far better at expressing myself in written form. Anyone who makes me talk to them on the phone is getting me at my most mediocre, so their loss really....

If she calls, just don't answer...just and another text saying, sorry can't stop and talk, too busy, text me instead...keep doing that and she will get the message...but if you are answering her calls you are enabling her behaviour

Part of the problem with a phone call is that the person phoning gets to choose a time and place that is convenient for them.
So they might be sitting comfortably with a cup of coffee with no distractions, while you are in the middle of something urgent that needs to be finished and with loads of distractions.
What you can do is to take the initiative and phone her at times that are more convenient for you.
I often text people to check if they have time for a phone call. If it's not convenient just then, they'll text back when it is. When we are both ready, we'll have the chat.

I think you should tell her very clearly that you don't like chit chatting on the phone. There is no need to be rude but you do need to be clear. Keep repeating it until she finally gets it. Not answering isn't going to do anything.
You sound like you are good friends so don't start messing about with ignoring her calls just talk to her (not on the phone though 🤔)

Yanbu. I don't do phone calls and will do anything to avoid them. So I wouldn't answer.

You're so right, @woollyheart my MIL has this annoying habit of calling over and over again when we don't answer the phone and actually gets agitated if we don't answer, thinking something might be wrong. My DH then has to either answer it or call her back at a time when it's not convenient.

It's ridiculous, as she leaves a message the first time and then wants to make sure we've received the message. There is no need, as my DH has always been very reliable in calling her regularly.

Slightly different to you in that I didn’t know this person as long as you’ve known your mate but I used to have a ‘friend’ who did this. She’d ring me for advice on the most random of shit. One day she rang me 4 times then the next, twice. It annoyed the crap out of me because I’m always busy and she was intruding (I felt) on my time. She’d keep me on the phone for hours at a time but she never got the hint to text rather than call. She then turned up randomly at my house because she’d spotted my car because I have a personal plate on it. I didn’t let her in. My husband joked she was my stalker. It wasn’t funny to me though. I’ve not seen her in a while now and I’ll avoid her if I do chance upon her.

I would argue it's not about one preference being more important than another it's the difference in being intrusive

Granted I just don't answer but phoning someone who has made it clear they prefer to text is far more intrusive than the other way around

I had one friend it was fair enough because she had sight issues so needed to phone...not a problem obviously

However I have pulled away from people who insist on ringing and push the issue , friendships take many forms and speaking on the phone is not the definition of it