To be angry that DH has paid BILs phone bill - AGAIN?!

[l0stmummy]

Already having a nightmare with DH. This is just the cherry on top.

Back in June, we went away as a family to Wales. Myself, DH, DD, MIL, BIL, SIL and SILs husband. MIL bought a Data package on hers and BILs contract, incase anyone needed to check work emails, facebook etc. DH and I didn't use it as we already have data with our phones. However, BIL (18) used this playing his Xbox and YouTube on his phone for about 8hours a night over the week we were away. MIL didn't set a limit on the data usage and racked up a £250 bill.

We aren't exactly rolling in money, but we make ends meet. MIL insisted that BIL couldn't have used it all himself and said we should contribute. We paid half (despite my grumbling).

BIL and DH are quite close and talk on the phone alot, either catching up, or while gaming together (don't get me started!). DH would pretty much always call BIL. But alot of the time BIL would miss the call but call DH back. A few days ago we get a grumpy visit from MIL. He's racked up another £200 phone bill this time, and BIL blames DH. Apparently BIL had a limit on his minutes and went over by calling DH. Obviously DH didn't know this. BIL doesn't work, has no income so MIL insisted we pay again. I said no, as not our responsibility.

I just went onto the shared bank account (for bills and savings) to see if the rent money that goes out today had come through from DHs personal account yet (often have trouble with it). And right at the top of the transactions is £200 to MIL ref:Phone.

I'm furious right now. This is money we should be saving up for bills and food and DDs future. NOT paying an 18 year old ADULTS phone bill!!

AIBU and stuck up or is this just bloody ridiculous?!

If they are gaming and have wifi why aren't they using Skype or FaceTime for free?

Tell dh to talk to BIL through WiFi and NEVER use joint/your money on this again. I'd be fucking livid he did this twice.

I suspect that BIL is charging extras to the contract. For example you can pay for Spotify Premium through your contract which would increase it by £9.99 pm

18 year olds KNOW that YT and online gaming will eat through data allowance. Kids may make that mistake once when they first get a Smartphone but it's common knowledge well before 18. He clearly thinks that your h is made of money so doesn't care about chipping in to phone bills. In a way, he's right. People on a budget would put a cap on their contract and has MIL or your H called bullshit on BIL's excuses? Even if BIL used his free minutes talking to friends you can find out how much the phone calls were charged at.

I would say to Mil that Bil is obviously not old enough to have a phone so maybe she needs to stop blaming everyone else when he gets into debt, she’s enabling him and he’s got too much time on his hands which would be better used in finding employment then he wont be on the phone so much.

I suppose what the charges are for aren't really the issue. It's blatantly obvious it's not your or your husbands responsibility to pay this.
Why is your husband feeling he has to pay? Is he scared of causing a row? Does he feel responsible to support them? Did he just want to help them out?
Personally I'd be making it clear that Mil needs to understand what the charges are for, put something in place with the provider so it can't happen again and address it with the son using the phone. Explain you've helped her out already, it's nothing to do with you and you won't be doing it again. But really that's conversation for your husband to have. I think your first thing to do is to understand why the hell he thinks he should pay in the first place.

OPs MIL does not have to take responsibility for her 18yo son. He has to take responsibility for himself. He needs to get a job and start paying for his own phone bills. And OPs DH needs to stop bailing them out.

Some better boundaries with his family are needed. I’d be stopping the group holidays and keeping a distance. And what happened to free WhatsApp calls, if calls are needed? The whole thing is weird.

I would tell DH that he can pay the money if he wants.

Then you need to work out a budget for your household so each of you have the same amount of personal spending money. If DH wants to pay for BIL out of his own personal spending money then let him crack on it with it but it is doing BIL no favours.

• not doing BIL any favours

Any chance your DH could get an itemised version of BiL mobile phone bill? You should be able to see where the data/calls/texts etc are being used.

My kids are 17 and 19. This dopey BIL is the least tech savvy 18 yo I have ever heard of. They can all keep track of their usage, switch to internet calls instead of phone minutes, whatever, IF they care enough to do so. Mine do, because they pay any extra over their contract. This lad doesn't, because his mum is way too soft.

Confronted DH. He said he felt guilty because BIL couldn't afford to pay his mum back so he paid the bill for him. Thinks it's his fault as shouldve double checked. For reference, BIL is 19 in two weeks, got his first job 6mo ago, worked 3 days and then quit because "he doesn't want to work." DH was paying 250 in rent and 50 for food from the day he turned 18, same with SIL but because BIL is the baby he gets away with everything. DH has always been the one who cleared up their mess. He linked FILs credit card to his Xbox about a year ago and spent over a grand on games. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the phone bill was something else entirely.

Has DH agreed not to do it again? Or at least understood why you're so mad?

He’s acts like a child so treat him like one. Get BIL a pay as you go sim.

If DH wants to bail his brother out that must come from his personal money. He owes the joint account £200.

Why is he paying his rent ?
I think your DH needs to have a serious talk with Bil, and Pils. Bil is not your DH's responsibility

I think DH needs a serious conversation before he speaks to them. Obv this has become the normal BIL has a pretty cushy life. Just bums round bailed out by others he doesn't need to change or get a job , why bother somebody else will sort his problems out.

The more everyone bails him out the less responsible bil will be.

Similar issues in my family with my sister is the 'baby' of the family and my parents are STILL bailing her out - she's in her 40's with DC of her own! Yet still seemingly incapable of sticking to a budget - eg at Christmas she will decide what she wants to buy (presents, new decorations every year, food and drink), then 'realise' she hasn't the money to get all that, pleads poverty to my parents with a nice dose of emotional blackmail in the form of "you don't want your gc to miss out do you?" At which point they give her the money - every year! And that's not the only regular event where she does this, same for DC's birthdays and school holidays too.

If my parents had nipped this in the bud DECADES ago they wouldn't still be dealing with it, my mum is genuinely concerned my sister will end up homeless after they die (she won't she's far too canny she'll just find another mug - my worry is it will be my brother. I've been nc for several years).

He linked FILs credit card to his Xbox about a year ago and spent over a grand on games. at 18! That is ridiculous. MIL needs to women up and start parenting this man/child properly and stop treating him like a baby if she want him a to succeed in life.

OP - how does your DH plan to deal with this in the future?

Gosh you have a dh problem.
take the money out of his hands and you manage it, he clearly can't be trusted.
Seriously, if he does this without even talking to you, what else is he doing?

You have a dh problem - not a bil problem. I would be furious.

There's no way in hell that calling your DH
has cost £200.

Some contracts can cost 45p per minute for out of tariff minutes.