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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wendying, cruelty or overthinking?

36 replies

Parentingsortof · 02/09/2018 14:41

Ok so I've tried to outline the situation without the need for dripfeeding (hopefully!)

Happy to be told it is just me overthinking as my MH is fragile at the moment.

So there are 4 of us who do activities, trips etc occasionally. We all met up originally through a social meetup group.

About a year ago, the 3 of them started to do other activities and not invite me. I only found out through dreaded tagging on Facebook.
I was a bit miffed and said I thought they would have mentioned they were going. They said someone else organised it ( fair enough) I was still a bit miffed why they didn't mention it ( I know I was being unreasonable)

Do over the past year, they have done other things ( I've said nothing and just unfollowed their Facebook's)

We have done the odd thing and they have invited another woman into the group. It turns out that this woman is the one organising most of the things I'm not invited too.

They went on a few things recently I couldn't go too. One of the original women invited me by saying ' do you wanna come I don't like leaving anyone out!' I just thought WTF.

So everything has been the status quo, until last night where they were out 3 of them, expecting the 4th one but she didn't go

I was out anyway, but not invited. So they start using the group chat, the three who were out, we're at the restaurant etc...

I mean who does that? (We are all early 30s bar one who is mid 20's)

It makes me so mad! I know it shouldn't but I could never do that, by that I mean talk on group chat about being out without one person!
I'm certain that they have their own group chat as well so they could just that on there

Sooooo... Clearly I'm stepping waaaay back now. But how can I do it with grace rather than a rant about how cruel people can be.

Also one of the women is bullied alot in her work life and excluded.... But I guess if your at the heart of the group then it's fair game.

I don't really have many friends, just acquaintances really and I'm ok with that. It's things like this that piss me off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentingsortof · 02/09/2018 15:34

Bump

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 02/09/2018 15:39

This is why I have no friends tbh. Not worth the stress!!
Use it as an opportunity to be more select in your next ones. They aren't being much of a friend - none of them.

Ava1988 · 02/09/2018 15:40

So they were out altogether but talking to each other on group chat instead of to each other?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2018 15:43

Just delete them from Facebook, and leave the Whasapp group, there is no need for any flouncing. I guess after that, one of them will be next in line, it is just so childish the way adult women behave sometimes.

Original poster
Parentingsortof · 02/09/2018 15:48

@Ava yes they do this... Alot it's weird. Dont get me wrong I over use my phone at times, but this is weird Confused

I know these aren't friends - just kinda hoped they would be more tactful.
Hanging out with everyone but 1 person is hardly 'having other friends'

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 02/09/2018 15:53

Why are they saying ‘we’re at the restaurant’ on a group chap to the other two people who are also at the table. Surely they are sitting together and can see they are there?

Lynne1Cat · 02/09/2018 15:54

You've just outlined the reasons I never get too close to other women. I have got various friends, but not a group of them. I see one for Zumba, one for coffee/lunch, one for chats/coffee, and another for work/chats online.

I'd say - forget that lot, get new friends

Hookedoncatnip · 02/09/2018 15:58

I've had similar OP. It's tough. Who knows why people behave this way.

Even though deep down you know they're not real friends it still hurts to have it rubbed in your face. People can be so oblivious.

For youThanks

Ava1988 · 02/09/2018 16:02

Sounds like not going out with them would be better. Why go out with then to have a conversation you could have on your phone at home? V confusing. Don't worry about it too much OP.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 02/09/2018 16:03

They sound immature. I agree, I'd just stop bothering with them at all. No need to say why, unless you feel like it.

And yes, "friends" like this are part of the reason why I didn't keep in touch with people very long after leaving school. Just not worth the trouble, honestly, and I felt better without them.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/09/2018 16:11

OP, they're not friends Sweet, drop 'em like a hot potato, you deserve better.💐

ResistanceIsNecessary · 02/09/2018 16:12

Ignore it - don't rise.

Just unfriend them from FB and leave the WhatsApp group.

Gersemi · 02/09/2018 16:17

Clearly I'm stepping waaaay back now. But how can I do it with grace rather than a rant about how cruel people can be.

Very easily. Just leave the group and block them on FB, and carry on with your life.

MinaPaws · 02/09/2018 16:31

Oh God, I can't Stand this sort of behaviour. It makes my flesh crawl. I distance myself entirely from shit like this.

i was out a couple of days ago with old 'friends'. One explained how she couldn't make another friends' major birthday party because she couldn't be arsed to turn up to it. Another simpered: we mustn't leave it five years till we see you again next time Mina. I thought, mustn't we? I could do with a five year break from that kind of bitchy backstabbing. And they were the people I started to mix with because the previous social group was even more revolting - intentionally leaving someone off a weekend away and then texting her, lying about where they were, all giggling away in this wretched cottage.

Now I have very, very few friends. I am extremely selective. I used to have a 'mates with anyone' attitude. Now I can count them on a hand, but that's because they're hand picked. They aren't part of a ready formed group.

MinaPaws · 02/09/2018 16:32

Sorry for typos and random capitals and bold. Trying to do two things at once, not concentrating.

Rudgie47 · 02/09/2018 16:34

These women are not your friends,no way, they sound to not like you much. Just have no further contact with them block them and remove them from your Facebook etc.
You deserve much better, everyone does,women in groups can be such bitches.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 02/09/2018 16:36

Agree with Mina. I have a few loose friendships and no 'bestie' because I dislike the intensity that tends to go along with those kinds of relationships.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/09/2018 16:38

They’re obvs messaging the other one letting them know they’re there...

To me it sounds like they messaged the wrong group chat by accident.

wafflyversatile · 02/09/2018 17:34

Is it worth inviting one or two if them to something arranged by you?

It's amazing how much power one person can have over a group.

InionEile · 02/09/2018 17:48

Been there, Parenting. It’s hurtful even when you don’t particularly care about the friendships involved, worse if you do. It always seems to happen in group friendships though. I think leaving one person out makes the other people feel closer. They become the in-group automatically by excluding someone else. Some people really crave the security of these group friendships but I prefer individual friendships personally, where I meet up with one or two people at a time. Group dynamics like this stress me out.

Hope you have other good friends around you or if not that you meet people soon who are better.

Disabrie22 · 02/09/2018 18:02

I feel for you OP - I’ve been in so many different types of friendship groups now I’d had to accept that often it’s whether a) your children and b) your husband fit the bill as well as you yourself.
It’s a bashing for your self esteem but you just have to distance yourself and keep busy while other friendships strengthen.

Original poster
Parentingsortof · 02/09/2018 18:08

Thank you for the replies... It's good to hear others would feel the same.

They often message each other through days/nights out instead of interacting

When they said they were at a restaurant. They were taking pictures of each other and commenting like they were together.... So I asked what they were up too. Then they said they were out at a restaurant. Then carried on messaging and taking photos of each other

I don't think that people realise the damaging excluding can be

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2018 18:10

Just delete them op, they don't sound like good friends and remove yourself from the group, don't put yourself through this.

deepsea · 02/09/2018 18:18

I disagree, they know exactly what they are doing. Of course it is hurtful to be out as a group having not invited you and then sending you gurneying photos!

You can gracefully edge out without drawing attention. Simply unfollow on FB and SM and make excuses that you are busy when invited. They will soon get the message.
No friends would be preferable to being treated so horribly!
Drop them and make space for lovely new friends.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2018 18:24

It is nasty what they are doing op, rubbing your face in it, I am sure they know exactly what they are doing. End this, and just delete them.