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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-Laws attitudes to money making me uncomfortable

46 replies

lelepond · 02/09/2018 10:48

First of all, I just want to say that I genuinely love my husband's family and get on well with them. However, their attitude towards money and doing favours for one another is really jarring and makes me feel uncomfortable.

When it comes to meals out, holidays, petrol money etc every penny is accounted for and split to an almost ridiculous degree. It's confusing as they are all high-earners. For example, yesterday my brother-in-law wanted to transfer me money for giving his mum a lift to the doctors and buying her a snack+tea. Obviously, it's one of those things you do to help your loved ones out and not for financial gain (there have been far more extreme e.g's). I know there are worse things to worry about but I feel it has a cheapening effect.

I grew up with a family that had a completely different attitude, the idea of a child transferring their parent's money would horrify my own family. We do favours for each other and yeah sometimes you are out of pocket but so what? It will likely work itself out in the long run anyway.

I just have no idea how to adjust to their way of thinking. It's not the kind of relationships I want. AIBU to ask what you would do.

OP posts:
supadupapupascupa · 02/09/2018 10:49

Say no thank you? Set your own rules

annandale · 02/09/2018 10:52

Tricky because you could genuinely find yourself losing out at some point, i.e. feeling that you have to pay them for anything they do for you, but not accepting their money for favours you do them.

However, I'd be with you about this. I wouldn't underestimate what you can do to change this practice simply by not taking part. See how it goes for a couple of years maybe? Do you have any SILS or other 'outsiders' - see what their family culture is like? Daughter-in-laws as a combined unit can be quite a powerful disruptive force...

aprilanne · 02/09/2018 10:55

in our family its a kind of tit for tat on favours it sounds very strange but each to there own i suppose

KatharinaRosalie · 02/09/2018 10:57

Can you afford the situation pp describes, being expected to pay yourself, but not asking them to pay you? If yes, I would do exactly that - tell them that of course you don't want money, was a pleasure. Who knows, the attitude might catch.
Noting wrong in sharing costs, but transfer for a cup of tea is a bit much for me as well.

MrsChollySawcutt · 02/09/2018 11:01

I'm with you OP, tit for tat accounting of who paid for what is penny pinching and very tedious behaviour.

aprilanne · 02/09/2018 11:03

just read your post again probably your husbands family have always been tight with money paying there share and no more and the adult children just think everyone is the same old habits die hard as they say

Bluelady · 02/09/2018 11:03

Just say no, you don't operate like that or that you can't remember the cost. It's beyond my comprehension too.

howabout · 02/09/2018 11:05

I don't agree with pp. If people prefer to "pay their way" then you not accepting them doing so may well lead to them thinking you are trying to control them financially or exercising some sort of weird one upmanship.

I would just accept it as one of their foibles and join in the fun of designing the perfect spreadsheet for keeping track. I am a born accountant so can't help myself keeping track and favours for favours which come out in the wash make me anxious.

Missingstreetlife · 02/09/2018 11:14

I'm with you, is your dh like you, or them?

VeryBerryAugust · 02/09/2018 11:14

People who keep count make ME nervous howabout!

(I have had one person who never paid their way. I did notice that!)

With my Mum we often jostle to pay which we then joke about. With in laws we pay more in general and it's fine. Maybe controlling? But better than the dividing thing up to the nth degree, which always felt excruciating to me.

No one way is right (excepting fraudsters!)

ILoveHumanity · 02/09/2018 11:16

I guess if they asked for the favour let them pay for it but if you want to do it out of your own will and you were the one to suggest it then don’t accept. If they insist you can buy her a gift with it.

Some people consider money favours to be gifts with strings attached and don’t like them. My IL are ones.

I like free favors but I found that being the only one doing favors with no return it became daunting after a while. So try not to stick out as the one that can be taken for a ride

Esspee · 02/09/2018 11:18

Just refuse to take petty payments and perhaps they will face up to their behaviour not being how normal families operate. I am sure you can find a nice way to phrase it so as not to offend.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 02/09/2018 11:19

The middle ground? Accept the situation for larger amounts but if its say less than £10 then say oh it's not worth all the fuss for such a small amount. It'll be swings and roundabouts. It may catch on.

AnoukSpirit · 02/09/2018 11:23

What, so if they drove you to the hospital you'd then receive a mileage claim from them seeking reimbursement? Or an expenses claim if they bought you a cup of tea? That is messed up.

Yes, if I gave someone a lift from Cornwall to Scotland I'd expect a contribution, but general running around or treats?! No way.

On the face of it it sounds utterly ridiculous. I would refuse to accept money for stupid stuff and I would make it clear why.

And nor would I look upon it kindly if they tried to pressure me into paying for "favours".

Twillow · 02/09/2018 11:24

Penny pinching is nasty. On these threads, it always seems to be the wealthy who do it too!

AnoukSpirit · 02/09/2018 11:25

Life is way too short for this degree of ridiculousness.

StripesandWings · 02/09/2018 11:30

I actual disagree with the majority here.
Yes I think it's weird and I would prefer not to but if that's how it's done in their family then I think you should just suck it up for the most part.

Being the only person who doesn't join in with the odd accounting might cause awkwardness or resentment and it's not actually hurting anyone. Some pp sound like they think you should be making ILs act like "normal l people" and I don't think that's on really

Dollymixture22 · 02/09/2018 11:30

That is extreme and clealry they have all been brought up to believe this is normal. While it is up to them to sort things out between the,elves, I would have to ask respectively to opt out

Something along the lines of ‘ I know you all have your own family rules around money, but I am happy to do thing like this without bringing money into the equation. It makes me a little uncomfortable.’

You will just ha e to go along with their ways for meals out etc but when it is something which involves only you, you can set the rules

BrokenWing · 02/09/2018 11:37

You are absolutely right to tell him you don't need reimbursed for a minor expense helping out a relative.

The problem comes when they ask you for money for things equally insignificant and then your resentment will start to develop.

I don't agree with this level of financial accountability within a family, it smacks of either control, a lack of trust or feelings that some are doing less than their share, but it might be best to leave it to your dh or just play along.

topcat2014 · 02/09/2018 11:37

Whilst it is wierd - they are at least 'offering' money rather than just assuming everything gets done for free.

A school friend (ie when we were 17) bought his own car and was then expected to ferry parents around for free - now that was taking the piss and he is still bitter about it 30 years on.

elessar · 02/09/2018 11:44

What does your husband say about it?

This kind of attitude would make me really uncomfortable. I think in situations like you describe I would say something like 'oh please honestly don't worry, it's my pleasure and what goes around comes around, I'm sure at some point the situations will be reversed' but do it in a bright and breezy way so it doesn't sound like a judgemental comment.

But really if your husband agrees with you then perhaps he should have a conversation with his family and challenge the principle?

Original poster
lelepond · 02/09/2018 11:48

When I first met dh I found his tit for tat attitude extremely tedious and embarrassing at times. Over the four years we have been together he has very much come around to my way of thinking (when he's in situations not involving his immediate family). But I don't think he has the same (emotional?) response to being expected to split a takeaway when visiting family.

The other two people who have married into the family seemingly have no issue with this way of thinking. It all seems so unnecessary given that we're all comfortable financially.

My family even find the concept of petrol money shared between siblings odd and I thought that was normal.

OP posts:
butterflysugarbaby · 02/09/2018 12:04

YABU, and rude and disrespectful towards your husband AND his family!

You have no right to tell them how they should behave, OR pass judgement on it.

butterflysugarbaby · 02/09/2018 12:05

Defo disagree with the majority here.

butterflysugarbaby · 02/09/2018 12:05

@lelepond

On the one hand, I am fine with paying more, or paying for the whole bill (like if it's just small-ish - me and a mate at costa and it costs £8,) but I don't like people paying for ME, and I don't like owing anyone anything.

It comes from a sense of pride, not wanting handouts or freebies, not wanting to be 'beholden' to anyone, and having worked solidly and earned my own money for over 30 years.

Not saying I am better than anyone who HASN'T been a paid worker for X amount of years, I am just trying to illustrate that I HAVE never, and WILL never take anything off anyone and not return it, including money (or anything they have paid for IYSWIM.) because I have always been self sufficient.

As I said, I don't mind paying for OTHERS, but don't want them paying for me.

Maybe the MIL of the OP is the same. Nothing wrong with it. All people are different. Like @stripesandwings I pretty much disagree with most people here.

If someone really wants to pay their way, - even if it only a POUND that they owe you, it is MASSIVELY disrespectful to refuse to let them pay what they owe. You are shitting all over their views, their beliefs, and their wishes. Why would you DO that? Why? Hmm

lelepond

When I first met dh I found his tit for tat attitude extremely tedious and embarrassing at times. Over the four years we have been together he has very much come around to my way of thinking.

WOW! What a nice thing to say about your husband. Why did you stay with him/marry him? Confused

Or did he change his ways to 'please' you?! (Or shut you up!)

And I expect his family find YOU 'tedious' and 'embarrassing' at times! Hmm

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