In-Laws attitudes to money making me uncomfortable

[lelepond]

First of all, I just want to say that I genuinely love my husband's family and get on well with them. However, their attitude towards money and doing favours for one another is really jarring and makes me feel uncomfortable.

When it comes to meals out, holidays, petrol money etc every penny is accounted for and split to an almost ridiculous degree. It's confusing as they are all high-earners. For example, yesterday my brother-in-law wanted to transfer me money for giving his mum a lift to the doctors and buying her a snack+tea. Obviously, it's one of those things you do to help your loved ones out and not for financial gain (there have been far more extreme e.g's). I know there are worse things to worry about but I feel it has a cheapening effect.

I grew up with a family that had a completely different attitude, the idea of a child transferring their parent's money would horrify my own family. We do favours for each other and yeah sometimes you are out of pocket but so what? It will likely work itself out in the long run anyway.

I just have no idea how to adjust to their way of thinking. It's not the kind of relationships I want. AIBU to ask what you would do.

What a non issue. Your dh family pays their own way so money never becomes a bone of contention.
Maybe they are all well off because they manage their money well.

Mine are the same!

Weirdly they are very generous with us (to the tune of thousands over the years) but it’s all done so very precisely, we were given the exact same amount for our wedding as they gave BiL for eg, down to the pound. They don’t do online so if I order stuff for them they give me the EXACT amount down to the penny.

They always offer petrol money and we always refuse. It’s just one their many idiosyncrasies, really.

But the other side is that when someone with whom I will have regular contact wants to specify to the penny who has spent what it gives me a feeling that they don't trust me to see them right in the longer term.

Anyway I do agree that if that is the way they deal with their nearest and dearest then there is no good to be done telling them they are "wrong"!

I think when you are with them you just have to go with their way. Especially in their homes.

When it’s just you and DH then it’s fine to do it your own way.

My in laws are a bit like that but that’s just their way. They have very very separate finances so will split the cost of things when DH and I wouldn’t dream of it. It’s just their way and it would be hellishly rude to start telling them that their way was wrong when it’s just different.

Just accept it. Because when they next do a favour for you, it sounds like they will charge, and you'll end up feeling resentful. (At least I would.)

They want to pay their way and by doing this will feel more able to accept a lift / drink / meal out. My mum insisted on giving me fuel money when I took her to hospital appointments. I declined but she insisted I take the money. I think it made her feel more able to ask for help in future.

I’d rather that than parents who expect their children to pay for everything without acknowledging that it all adds up over time and can cause resentment in the future.

I find this really strange to but not sure what you can do about it.

If you don't accept but they ask from you you It may cause resentment.

I find it odd. If my df gave me money to get takeaway he would say keep the change.

Dh df used to specially ask for the change back.

As I said on a birthday in 'sort after area' thread and elsewhere, the more money some people have, the tighter they are. Generally people who have next to nothing will give you the shirt off their back, or at the very least, pay for a meal without thinking about it. But with some people who are comfortable or well off, they become tighter, and tighter, and tighter the more money they get. It truly is sad. Maybe you should make a quip one time when out with them to dinner about how strange it is that they calculate and split everything, like 'in my family we wouldn't etc etc'.

No don't quip!

I have an aunt who genuinely starts to sweat when dividing up change from a meal out if it cannot be split equally. She wants to split it down to the penny. I've seen her dig into her purse in the past for copper pennies so that everybody gets the precise change. It is fucking ridiculous. And tedious. And embarrassing.

My immediate family have a totally different attitude to money. OP, I would suggest simply saying: 'It was my treat. I don't want any money for it.'

Salem that's very true. It's odd.
We were not poor at all but never ever spoke or made issue of money like in laws do its huge part of every single conversation its stifling.

Everything is.. Oh but was that expensive oh this is expensive. And they live in large expensive with millions house....

It's like some strange thing maybe they feel uncomfortable with their money so enter into this strange constant dialogue about expensive stuff.

Many times I'd like to point out the most expensive things they don't talk about is thier house, keeping large house running with several bedroom and no one living there, new cars

I don’t know why people are so confused.

People with money are not an accident. They have either worked hard on their money psychology, or been lucky enough to be brought up with good money psychology.

If you are embarrassed to discuss money you are at an immediate disadvantage when it comes to making and keeping money.

They're an older generation, in the war every penny had to be accounted for and was needed.

My dp were, my aunts were also war generation.

They spoke about money but certainly not every single conversation and all the time over everything.

My parents were both born during the First World War. Neither of them counted every penny, it's a person thing not a generation thing.

It’s bizarre, controlling behaviour and demeans normal family generosity, give and take. Different if there were significant sums involved, or if everyone was on a very tight budget.

notaken

Being good with money is open to different interpretation.

My in laws would say they are good with money. Because they lots of it. I would say they are stifled by it, it consumes them and its crept into all life areas.

Being good with money is when you have enough of course to be able to set some aside for carefree non penny pinching enjoyment. Eg go out for dinner, have budget but then enjoy and eat and relax within that budget. Don't continue the penny pinching in that budget..

You may be overthinking it, or you may not.

Some people despise the idea of owing money to others. Or favours. They see it as ownership. These people rarely let go.

Crikey!
I guess I understand when it comes to holidays / meals out but to offer money to your in law for taking your mum to the doctor and lunch is ridiculous!

I think the attitude is a little odd, but I’d just go along with the majority unless you don’t mind them invoicing you for cups of coffee, when you are refusing to accept payment.
In some respects I also quite like how upfront they are about money. You often read stuff on here about people feeling short changed when out with friends in restaurants, giving lifts to colleagues for free and just generally being taken for a ride financially, at least you know theyll always pay their way and you’ll never be beholden to them for that lift they gave you back in 2015.

I'd go along with it.

I would prefer generosity in both directions because I think it brings a sense of closeness. It's why we buy presents for each others birthdays even though they cancel out.

But I wouldn't be generous if they are being tight with me so I say accept the money. The worst thing about penny pinching is the mental effort to keep track of it all. If they are willing to do that, just accept what they give and pay what your told.