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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He gave them a dummy

37 replies

AllStar14 · 02/09/2018 07:24

I'm really pissed off and need some views on this. I have 18 month old DT and they have been without a dummy for about 10 days. It has been very hard, especially the nights, but I persevered and it has been getting easier. Last night they went to stay with their dad for the first time in a while and he sent a picture of them this morning with dummies! He knows I took them away, we've had many conversations about it and I asked him to make sure there wasn't any around the house for them to find!! AIBU to be so annoyed?! All MY hard work ruined in one night.

OP posts:
careerandfam · 02/09/2018 07:32

yanbu I would be fuming - I've been doing the same and its tough work!

positivepixie · 02/09/2018 07:37

YANBU. Their dad needs to understand the importance of consistent parenting. If this happens every time you're trying to achieve something with them then it's going to get very annoying but also isn't doing the DT any favours ultimately, they'll learn that they can get away with stuff with their dad and could undermine you.

Gently explain how important it is and ask him to work with you not against you. He probably just caved when they cried/got upset and took the easy way out.

Original poster
AllStar14 · 02/09/2018 07:40

I am fuming. He knows I was close to breaking point a few days ago (I was messaging him during a rather bad morning! Which was actually what prompted him to have them overnight!) and I still didn't give in. One night with him and it's all for nothing. He says I need to chill out!

OP posts:
WhatsUpPussycat123 · 02/09/2018 07:46

I’d be pissed off at that too. But is it really worth the drama to take away the dummies at this stage? My kids didn’t use them but I had one until 3 when I was old enough to understand the dummy fairy. They need comfort at this age, especially at night and it will take time for them to develop an attachment to something else like a toy or blanket. Seems a bit cruel to just go cold turkey.

Original poster
AllStar14 · 02/09/2018 07:46

Yeah I think he took the easy way but but he insists they found one down the side of the bed Hmm

OP posts:
Toptrumploser · 02/09/2018 07:51

It’s a shame but I wonder if it’s not the right time to take the dummies away-both mine had them and got rid of them in one easy night when they were 2 and 2.5.
Just keep them for nighttime -there’s nothing wrong with making your life a bit raise-especially with twins!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/09/2018 07:53

I’d try not to get too worked up about it He’s had them overnight for the first time in a while and given you a break. They’re still very little and were probably upset. He could very well be telling the truth about them just finding the dummies too.

Like Whatsup everyone I know who’s used dummies (mine wouldn’t take them the little sods) has waited until they’re older to remove them.

Original poster
AllStar14 · 02/09/2018 07:56

I know it's not the end of the world, I just feel like he hasn't tried at all. This all started with a routine dentist appointment :-)

OP posts:
oldbirdy · 02/09/2018 07:56

My 4 all weaned off dummies very easily aged (just) 3. We'd have the chat about how after their birthday they'd be big boys/ girls and wouldn't need their dummies any more so the dummy fairy would collect them for the tiny babies, and leave a little toy instead. Worked like a dream.

thegreylady · 02/09/2018 07:58

My grandchildren had them at night till they were turned 3. The dummies were then hung on a tree in the garden where the dummy fairy replaced them with a small toy and took the dummies to make into new ones for little babies....

KipperTheFrog · 02/09/2018 08:03

I agree with PP's, let them have the dummies a while longer. DD1 had hers till she was 2, we prepped her for the dummy fairy coming and giving her a t oy. 1 night of hell and it was done. 10 days of struggling shows they still need the comfort.
Although your ex should not be undermining your parenting, he was wrong there. You need to speak to him and make sure he doesn't do it again.

Racecardriver · 02/09/2018 08:07

The phrase rod for your own back comes to mind. Honestly, if it is this difficult why can't you just let them keep the dummies?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/09/2018 08:08

Did the dentist say to get rid of them completely or to remove them in the day? If it’s 10 days of struggling I’d be tempted to let them have the dummies for sleep and naps but remove them in the day for now OP.

Pinkprincess1978 · 02/09/2018 08:11

You are right to be pissed and I also agree with stopping dummy's at this age they do terrible things to the teeth.

Only my first would have a dummy and we took at away at about 20 months during the day and a few weeks later for sleep. He was a bit of a nightmare for 3 days but then was fine.

It doesn't sound like your ex has them all that often so hopefully by the next time he has them they won't be as bothered.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/09/2018 08:12

My DM plugged DD with one the first time she babysat! I wasn’t thrilled but actually it was a lot easier when the time came to wean her off it than her siblings who were thumbsuckers. She would have been about 3 by the time it disappeared completely.

Irritating for you but maybe they aren’t ready to let go yet so give yourself a break and wait a bit longer. How fortuitous that he managed to find a dummy each down the side of the bed...

NotTakenUsername · 02/09/2018 08:13

18months is very young if they’ve been so used to it.
We scaled it back.
Initially never talking through the dummy.
Then only for naps and nights.
Eventually the ‘dummy fairy’.

You do need to chill out, but he needs to be on the same page... did you and he agree to this? Or did you decide and tell him what was happening wrt the dummy’s?

StepAwayFromGoogle · 02/09/2018 08:14

YANBU, OP, I'd be furious too. A paediatrician once gave me a tip for getting rid of dummies, which may or may not help at this stage. Basically you take a needle and put a hole in the end of each dummy. Each week, you add one more. Eventually there is no satisfaction from sucking so they lose interest. No idea if it works or not as haven't tried it myself but might be worth a go?

Tiredtomybones · 02/09/2018 08:18

Sounds like they still need the dummy. I can understand why you're annoyed that your new routine was ignored and broken, but I'd give the dummies back for a while.

TeddyIsaHe · 02/09/2018 08:22

I don't think YABU, however if he doesn't have them overnight very often his confidence at settling them is going to be low. In his mind it's easier to give them a dummy as he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of weaning them off them at a later date. Not that that is a reasonable excuse.

You need to get on the same page, otherwise when you start potty-training etc he's going to stick them in nappies as it's easier, and that will set you back massively. I have no idea how you do that, I'm dreading dd potty training as I just don't think her dad will be as consistent as I am. It sounds like you still have a reasonable relationship if you can talk about the twins when he's not there, so is it worth sitting down with him when he drops them off and really talking it through?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/09/2018 08:30

What did the de toast say? Mine said not to worry until adult teeth were coming through

Youcouldbemysilversprings · 02/09/2018 08:30

Both my children willingly gave up their dummies at age 3 or there abouts. There was no need for bribery and no sleepless nights, up until that point from about age 2 they only had it for bedtime anyway so I didn't ever see the problem. If it is hard work then they're not ready, they are still so little and a dummy provides a massive comfort to children, especially if they are in a situation where their bedtime location isn't consistent (I don't mean this as a sleight BTW, my kids often had sleepovers at grandparents).
I would be annoyed at him so obviously flouting your decision but at the same time, I think you might have to rethink the timing. It shouldn't be this hard.

TheSerenDipitY · 02/09/2018 08:32

just buy one last set... tell the kids these are the last dummies and once they are gone that is it, no more and then let them use them until they fall to bits or go super sticky and they will give them up on their own

Original poster
AllStar14 · 02/09/2018 08:33

Thanks everyone. The dentist recommended that they be dummy free by 18 months (she didn't give me any tips as such - but poking holes in them is a good idea!) so I probably would have done it gradually but they've had various illnesses and then they reached 18 months and I panicked I guess. I have a DD4 but she never had a dummy so I didn't know what to do for the best.

Absolutely dreading potty training WineWine

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/09/2018 08:35

Dentist say

Singlenotsingle · 02/09/2018 08:35

Why all this angst about dummies ffs? Babies like dummies and if they're still using one at 18 months, 2 years, 3 years, so what? You're just creating problems when there's no need!

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