Providing school uniform

[WankeyDoodle]

First post in AIBU - prepared for a roasting.

Ex expects me to provide all school uniform (2 DCs 6 and 8) and says I am harming the children if I don't adhere to his expectations. He feels as I receive maintenance it is a legal expectation that i solely provide for every aspect of children.

Old arrangement - he gave us £30 per week, paid for swimming lessons, half of all uniform and school trip costs. I would always do the uniform shop, give him receipt, he'd pay half within a few weeks/months depending on whether he was working or not.

He was angry with me last year and started to miss maintenance payments, fell massively in arrears and then dropped to £7pw, stopped swimming lessons, (owes leisure centre still for 2 months of lessons) and refuses to pay half towards uniforms/school trips as before. It has been at like this for over a year now and I'm still owed hundreds.

He has been financially abusing us for years. He is not someone you can reason with and refuses to co-parent at all. Dealing with him is like hitting your head against a brick wall. If I say the ball is blue, he will insist it's yellow and call me crazy.

This is the first year he's doing drop off on first day back to school from summer holidays. I told 2 months ago to make sure he brought his own uniform supplies as I was not his charity anymore but if he wanted to begin paying half towards uniforms I would happily supply. He did not reply. He has just written to me 4 days before term starts telling me I will provide it and because I am the resident parent, his maintenance, no matter how small, means I legally have to. For me his lecture on morality of uniform provision is hypocritical as he expects me to be solely financially responsible for both the children.

Just to clarify I am proud to provide for my children. I go without so they never do. I have worked my butt off to get into a financial position where him dropping to £7 pw wouldn't render me homeless (for context if he had done that just one year before his nonsense started we would be homeless) they have lovely school uniform, clubs, play dates and all normal
stuff adults are supposed to provide when parenting.

I do feel utterly childish and ridiculous for saying to him either contribute or buy your own. Equally I want him to step up - this is not a pick n mix parenting stand and I'm sick of him forcing my hand.

So AIBU?

PS I will not involve the children in this at all - they will never know from me that there is an issue and I will ensure they're emotional well-being is protected from this throughout whatever that takes. They are currently in his care so who knows what he's filling their heads with 😩

Oh my goodness that was so long. I didn't want to drip feed! Sorry!

Take him to CSA for child maintenance,

Get a visiting order going and tell him if he doesn’t start paying he’s not seeing his kids.

The more you let him manipulate the situation the more he will do it

Get a visiting order going and tell him if he doesn’t start paying he’s not seeing his kids.

Don’t do this, you will do yourself no favours and a CAO will not deal with maintenance.

I’m dealing with the same, no contribution to dc expenses. This is what I tell myself, will the dc remember who bought their uniforms in 15-20 years time? So I let it go...I have the Frozen “let it go” song on loop in my head every time I’m dealing with him.

Yes.. let him continue to walk over you and you pay for everything I’m sure that sets a great president

Are they living with him at the moment? Or just staying? If they ate just staying I would ask for them back early as you need them to shop for the uniform take them to school yourself?

Let it go is my theme tune too! So liberating belting that out at full volume 😂😂

We have a CAO in place already and I am not out to stop my DCs relationship with their Dad. They will form their own judgements one day.

I want to take the high road but I'm so tired of doing this. I feel like I'm enabling him if I give in when he's had 2 months to get this sorted either by coming to an agreement with me or just sorting his own responsibilities out.

Can't go to CMS - I disagree with the taxation of maintenance and would rather every penny goes to them. Also he's self employed so will cook his books anyway if and when he earns. Ultimately it's his choice if he wants to contribute, I'm not going to emotionally invest in another battle for him to manipulate. He enjoys it, I don't want to give him the satisfaction

I'm the resident parent. The holidays have fallen in such a way with the CAO that he has them first day of school. This is court ordered and he would not return them early unfortunately

He really should be paying for half. Is it an option that he buys one set for his home and you buy one set for yours? (Depending of course on how often they are at his on a school day.)

DO NOT tie maintenance to visitation. The two are completely separate issues. Your children have a right to see their father and have a relationship with him, as you pointed out. The money thing is an adult issue and the children shouldn't be used as weapons in that regard.

It’s a difficult one, you don’t want the kids to suffer so you are, in effect, blackmailed to be the responsible parent.
I would call the kids and ask if daddy has got them the uniform. Say that they have a brand new one at home, but when they go to school from daddy’s, he needs to have a spare one for them for when they visit. Then leave them to it.

I have suggested he either contributes towards uniform or just sorts his own set out, this was 2 months ago. He didn't reply. 4 days before term starts He's now saying that he won't buy his own as it's my responsibility because he pays maintenance

I would never tie money in with contact - having been through the family courts in twice I'm fully versed

I'm reluctant to speak to kids about any of this tbh. I don't really want them to know it's a conversation - especially with both parties effectively digging heals in till one relents, which no doubt will be me because I love the socks off of them and wouldn't put them in that position.

Losing Sometimes you have to pick your battles, it’s not about setting a precedent or letting your ex walk all over you. What do you suggest Op does? Hold the dc hostage until ex pays for the uniform.

This issue comes up time and time again. And any half decent human being would make a contribution to large annual expense for their child. If they refuse, there is bugger all you can do about it. CMS are shit and you will have the additional stress of dealing with their incompetence. So why stress yourself over it? I appreciate not all lone parents can live without CM If you can, figure out a way to pay for your child’s costs and move on. And I say this as someone who receives no maintenance. Ex historically earned 150k+, currently living off other assets/savings what’s hes sets himself up as a director of a ltd company. He doesn’t want to pay maintenance and I refuse to force him. Its not easy being the bigger person but the dc will realise in time.

Ratatatouille that is shameful of your ex. I just cannot comprehend the mindset of not wanting to provide. They think they're getting one over us but for me it's only motivated me more to achieve and aspire within my career. I knew he'd do this all those years ago and so worked myself into a position that I would never need him/be reliant financially. Although to be fair, the success has bothered him too so I can't bloody win!

Ultimately I know that he will force this and I will relent as I won't involve them in petty bickering. I think I just want it all in writing that he's a bully

Ha sounds like our ex’s use the same bully tactics. YY it’s definitely a motivation to be financially secure. I promised myself that I will never ever put myself in a position where I have to ask him to contribute to anything, this was after he refused to contribute for two new sets of uniform, both dc are starting new schools btw. But in his mind he’d justify not contributing as he takes them on holidays and expensive days out.

I could have written your OP...!

Having exactly the same problem. Ex used to pay for half and now he pays the bare minimum.

I've had to pay a fortune over the past few weeks and am now overdrawn. I explained this to him and he ignored me, when he finally replied after me messaging him twice more he said he won't be giving me anymore money.

I'm absolutely fuming, I've never felt rage like it on behalf of myself and my children. The worst part of that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

It's interesting how many of us are in the same boat. It's controlling beyond belief and staggering that someone would put the primary care of their own DC in that position.

Would be interested to hear how this usually pans out 10/15 years down the line... Will DC realise what their father put their mother through?

(Paid a fortune in uniforms & shoes for three DC and a birthday party for dd)

May I ask what do you mean by "taxation of maintenance"? Maintenance payments are not taxed, as they were already taxed being part of your ex's income, and they are not your income but rather the other parent's spending on the children, you are only facilitating / administering.

This is so common sadly. ExH seem to use as a way to annoy their exW. And feel aggrieved at having to handover money that they seem to assume must be spent on beer and skittles (or champagne and lovers) rather than on the children. They just don't seem to get that it is to benefit and equalise the child's standard of living at both homes.
My exH didn't want to pay anything until I said 'the CMS website says x much, let me know if you intend to pay direct or they can request it directly from your employer if you prefer'.
ExH won't buy uniform either, despite having DD 3 days a week. I just say to DD now I will provide what you need, but I will tell you when I can't afford something. She can make her own conclusions based on exH choosing to spend his money on takeaways that DD is sick of and cleaners for his 5-bed house, but asking her to get £5 off me for school socks as "I give your mum money for you".

You say you don't want a formal financial order due to the taxation but surely that would mean your kids (even after tax) would get more than £3.50 each per week? Just get it done.

I'm in an ever so slightly (i mean tiny similarity)

My DH has always paid half of the uniform costs or comes to a deal with DSS mother, if she buys such and such he will buy this and this....

DSS moved in with us last year, (that's another story....) all relevant child benefits moved over address changed in schools doctors and the like,

now we have not asked her to contribute anything to DSS uniform this year, yesterday she texts me asking had we got this, this and this as he needs it for school.

1. this irked me as it is like she was implying we had no idea what a child needs to start school

1. there was no offer to pay even £1 towards the said items, or anything.

me being me and bit of a blunt bitch replied and said of course he has the item he needs plus extra, and are you contributing towards his school uniform this year as DH has done all the years without being asked while DSS lived with you.

her reply. well he lives with you now it is down to you. !!!!

blood boiling......., DSS goes to a school where the uniform standards are very strict, they only have 2 approved stores you can buy the uniform from which are a significant distance from our home, as well as quite expensive, shirts are £25 each....he needs at least 3 (one being worn, one hanging up ready to be worn and of course one in the process of being laundered) now the cost of the uniform does not bother us in the slightest, yes its expensive and difficult to get a hold of however he needs it so it will be provided for him to the standard the school expect. what riled me up was we have always offered to pay while DSS lived there yet now he lives with us it's down to us! but she still felt the need to ask where & when we had the uniform and whether or not we had the stuff he needed while not even offering to buy him a pack of biros!

why do SOME parents (either one mum/dad) feel providing school uniform or school supplies is down to the resident parent I dont understand, she is in a very well paid job and was happy to take money from us to pay for supplies and uniform, yet will not reciprocate!

OP IMO i do not think you are being unreasonable at all

formal financial order Ha! The courts and the goverment are complicit in allowing parents like these avoid their responsibilities. This is so simple to solve, but each successive government refuses to do so. Meanwhile RP are forced into poverty providing for their children.

In my case, the female judge refused to order maintenance payments. Why? Because ex had strategically managed to get himself sacked from his 150k pa job before the final hearing! Therefore she couldn’t possibly order that he pays for his children as he had no income. When questioned how he expected his children to survive he said “they’ll live on benefits”. The system is a joke, and it makes me so cross that it’s the child that goes without.

I am so sorry to all of you with equally wankey exes it never fails to amaze me just how they manage to justify their behaviour and convince themselves it's ok to not financially support the life they created. I'm especially amazed at the ExW not wanting to financially support after what she received from you . to everyone supporting their children because they want to

Had a long chat with lovely DP (who never questions a penny we pay towards my oldest two DC and our new baby DD)and following more emails telling me how shocking I am to expect him to pay towards uniforms (either but his own or contribute to ours) and that he won't pay arrears we are going to go through CMS now. Is it likely they'll discover he's either frauding the HMRC. it'll mean I don't have to deal with him at all and perhaps he can start being more honest (unlikely) the money just goes into savings for the DC anyway

The courts I have found to be hit and miss - I had one hearing where the judge tried to dismiss DS disclosure that his Dad was punching and slapping him when he was angry - apparently it's only minor chastisement he's a peach isn't he.

Thank you for the replies

@OP
Don't entertain thos conversation.
He won't send the kids to school in jeans. He'll buy (even if it is the day before). Purely because it's him that'll have eyes on him when he does drop off.

? Do u think he'll relent

Just be waiting at school with a set of uniform in case he doesn't buy a set. But don't provide it to him. He can do the walk of shame and explain to other parents that he can't be bothered buying them a uniform.
Glad you're going to do CMS. You can also appeal if his lifestyle doesn't match up with a more extravagant lifestyle .

I'd drop it off with the teachers and explain. Let him do the walk of shame and think you've called his bluff. Although I doubt a man like that would be bothered.