MIL and DH

[angelavaldez]

A MIL thread..

Backstory. My MIL cannot stand me. I've done nothing wrong yet she just cannot stand me. When I first met her I used to make an effort, go over etc. I very quickly realised she has no respect for anyone in her family especially me and simply wants to be the top dog which her family enable her to do simply for a peaceful life.

Over the years I've gone nearly NC, only seeing her less than 5 times a year. Christmas, family weddings etc. This actually infuriated her even more that somehow I have the audacity to never see her.

My husband went NC for a while but then dragged back in purely due to FOG. Feeling guilty because it's still his mum, feeling guilty because his brother reminded him of family and whatever.

I know she says horrible stuff about me to other members of the family. Made up lies and other spiteful stuff. Sometimes it gets back to me, sometimes it doesn't.

Today my DH picked up some food from hers, the lamb wasn't fully cooked so he rang her back to tell her. The phone is on loud speaker so I hear MIL say 'well where is she, tell her to put it back in the oven for you'. Now it's bugs me that my MIL never ever says my name, that's how much she hates me. It's always she and her. I asked DH why she does that. Answer, 'it's just her way'. I asked DH that when MIL says she, why can't he say sorry who do you mean, or my wife has a name etc. He says his mum will never change so what's the point. Last time he stuck up for me his brother and Mum threw him out of the house yelling obscenities at him so understandably he doesn't want a repeat of that but by not sticking up for me I feel like I'm just losing respect for him. She shouldn't be getting away with saying horrible stuff about me but she is. The simplest thing he could pull her up is never saying my name.

AIBU in asking DH to do this or should I just let it go?

I'd continue to be NC and simply ignore her nonsense.

Life is too short.

Give DH a break.
He's getting shit from all quarters and trying his best.

Wearing the t shirt angel
Let it go

Honestly, my first thought is why would he ring his mother rather than just cook it or bin it?
And if he did want to put it back in the oven, why on earth would he need you to do it for him?
Forgive me if he has a disability you forgot to mention.

My mum runs her life by this phrase
“ what we cannot change we HAVE to accept”

You have to accept that no matter what you or your DH do your MIL will always be like this and find ways to get at you - and by god, she’s doing it isn’t she!
So stop enabling her. Don’t let your DH put her on loudspeaker. Go total NC with her. Tell DH you are not interested in what she does or says and you are not prepared to have her impinge on your life anymore.

He is stuck between a rock and a hardplace.
He will see that your stance is a good one and will probably see less and less of this toxic woman.
The moral high ground has great views,
Remember, you cannot change her. Accept that. And leave her behind- don’t let her interfere in your present and future.
Don’t let the old bat wind you up. And if you do want to talk about her with DH dont push him into sticking up for you. He will do it of his own volition once he is left to deal with her and sees how horrible she is about you when you seemnot to give a flying fart about her!! Play the long game. Think before you react. And just act like she doesn’t exist.

An entirely ridiculous thread

If the lamb wasn't cooked to your satisfaction, why did you/your DH feel it appropriate to ring your MIL? What. for instructions? Did you need to be told to stick it in the oven?

If this is the current drama in your family life, that you have created out of nothing, I'm backing the MIL.

May I say to you in a spirit of friendship, that if you are creating rifts of this nature between your DH and his family, then who is losing? Your DH is losing, that's who. Don't create shitstorms out of nothing.

He is absolutely right in that she is not going to change and nothing he does will change her behaviour. She is clearly a very abusive person and you know that your DH has been raised by her and still struggles with her behaviour. I have a similar MIL and I am also very distant from her and it suits me fine, I never worry what she thinks or says about me. We also live a long way from her so I rarely see her.

Over the years my DH has slowly managed to put boundaries in place and he definitely has more psychological distance between himself and his mum and is not so easily guilt-tripped etc. Your DH is in a very difficult position and it is up to you how much you expect of him when he is relating to you regarding his mum. I think if you have distance from your MIL and are able to operate in peace I’m not sure what you and DH will gain from confronting her over her behaviour. You have every right to tell your DH you are unhappy but what will your DH gain from fighting your corner constantly? Does he have a lot of contact with his mum, is he able to “switch off” and not take her behaviour personally?

Personally I find “staying under the radar” and not being confrontational is a better way to play. People like MIL usually love the drama of confrontation and only use it as ammunition to prove what a terrible person you are.

ignore your MIL, it'll soon bother her that she's not getting attention from you. Either way you'll have peace

Totally ageee re: the lamb. If it's not cooked, cook it. Why ring mummy and why the fuck should he ask you to put it in the oven?!

I don't know what to say. Sounds like she'll always dislike you no matter what you do, so just ignore her.

@yorkshireyummymummy good advice thanks i guess I do need to play the long game. And most of the time I'm ok with it but once every few months she'll do or say something which winds me up.

Just to clarify - god it sounds trivial when writing it down but the lamb wasn't cooked and basically she would have served it to the rest of the family (who I'm ok with) like that, unless she was told. So DH said oh this is a bit raw and I'm just gonna whizz it and it was me who said 'ring her before she forces the rest of them to eat it that way' which she would have done.

He went NC for a little while and got dragged back in. He now goes once a week/once a fortnight for Sunday lunch. He goes to make his life easier so she doesn't call him up and give him crap which I understand. But when he is there she badmouths me and he says nothing for an easy life.

I get it must be tough for him, she's one of a kind is my MIL but the way I see it is if my parents were badmouthing him I wouldn't be able to stay quiet. Even if I didn't argue with them I'd at-least have a conversation with them to tell them how I feel now I know DH will never be able to have a conversation with his mother. MIL can't converse, everything has to be shouted at you, but can't he stick up for me when she's going on and on.

So stop enabling her. Don’t let your DH put her on loudspeaker. Go total NC with her. Tell DH you are not interested in what she does or says

This. Your H can go there once a week if he wants but you don’t need to hear about it. If he wants to discuss it he can do so with his brother /mates / therapist.

I’d think very carefully about having a baby with him. IME people like this become MUCH more controlling as soon as daughters / DIL are pregnant .

Are you going to expose your children to this toxicity ? Or expect you husband to keep them away from her - because he won’t agree to do that if he’s still under her control .

Once a week or fortnight sounds a lot. What is he worried will happen if he doesn't see her this often? He doesn't have to answer the phone.

i agree with PP, I would ask to never hear anything about her but I would also be upset that he visited her so often.

If he doesn't see her she'll kick off. Ring him giving him abuse, he won't answer the phone she'll turn up to our hours and literally shout abuse. Along the lines of 'who do you think you are / how dare you act like his / I'm your mother etc'

She is honestly a vile woman. So horrible to her own kids there was never any chance of her being nice to me.

I don't want my future children around her, or exposed to any of that horrible behaviour. But I'm always reminded my people around me including my own parents 'oh that's just her, that's his Mum, he can't help it, if you stop being kind of NC she'll come around' which she won't and I can't help that me being annoyed about this is causing a wedge being me and DH.

I can't respect him when he goes there and listens to everything she says about me but I also don't want to be the one keeping him away from his mum.

Go fully NC. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

If you don’t want your future children around her then don’t have any.

Or your husband needs to agree to go NC and do it.

Or he has to agree that he will see his mother but the children never ever will.

This wedge will only get bigger between you if you can’t agree on a joint course of action,

and it was me who said 'ring her before she forces the rest of them to eat it that way' which she would have done.

I thought you could eat lamb pink? Maybe everyone would like it like this?
I think YABU for ringing her

There is no point trying to change MIL behaviour. All you can do is limit your exposure to it to the amount you can tolerate. If that is none, then that is fine.

I know you were trying to do a nice thing warning the family about the lamb but a) rare lamb is perfectly safe to eat so there was no danger and b) to the MIL that came across as criticism of her cooking and an invitation for more drama. Next time, say nothing - the family eat her cooking all the time (presumably) and it is not your responsibility to make sure that food is safe. If MIL "wouldn't notice" that the lamb was (in your eyes) undercooked then presumably she does stuff like this all the time and everyone is broadly fine.

Think hard about what your future looks like with this man - be honest with yourself about how children will complicate things and whether your husbands "anything for a quiet life" appeasement will really cut it when it's affecting your babies. Or are you hoping he'll magically change?

Lamb is ok served pink.
Overcooked lamb is dreadful.
misses point of thread

Oh god don't be like that with your DH. He needs your support as much as you need his. Usually I'm one of those posters pointing out that the M in MIL stand for mother but not this time.

She's a cow. I'd just call her that if she won't use your name. She will always hate you anyway, might as well have some fun annoying her more.

Children are going to complicate this issue massively. Think Iong and hard before you bring them into the equation.

I'm interested to know how you know she bad mouths you when you're not there. If your husband tells you, why does he do that?

I don't understand why your DH is even picking up food from her? How bizarre. If you/he are not eating at her house surely you make your own food?

Sorry i was out for the whole day and just got back to the thread.

Myself and DH had a good talk about it all day, I told him how I felt that by going to his mums house once a week and letting her bad mouth me and not say my name he's siding with her. That's basically how I feel. I don't feel supported by him at all.

He said he completely gets how I feel but at the end of the day that's still his Mum and he feels obliged to go there simply because that's his Mum. I don't want to stop him going to his parents but at the same time I just wish they were normal. Guess that's never going to happen.

DH doesn't tell me if his mum has ever said anything. Our nieces do. And they're not telling tales or anything, they're between 13-16 and I have a good relationship with them all and sometimes they just tell me stuff that's been said about me.

Myself and DH have a good relationship for the most part, id like to think we're a strong couple but I think the issue of his Mum is just going to drive a wedge between us.

The issue of children - I can't even begin. I want children with my DH because I think he's amazing. Should I let the issue of his Mum stop me having kids with him? Will it ruin us after kids? this is something I do think about.