Is this fair?

[HannahHut]

If your child moves home from university to live for a few years are they an equal part of the household?

Now over 20, paying a third of the bills and contributing to things like household appliances when they break (one third). Would you say it is fair that they can make decisions on how to decorate their room, having a pet in their room or having people stay over?

Think it's a bit tight of your parents to make you pay a third of appliances because the Fridge will be there years ( maybe 20) after you've moved out
As a parent I would be trying to help you get on the ladder more.
I would say you're not a kid so you can wait to get a hamster in your own place, unless I wanted the shelves I wouldn't want holes in my wall either but if you were a pleasure to live with id probly be flexible

I don’t think you can ever expect your parents to see you as an equal - you will always be their child.

But I think they could compromise a little here. How about either the pet or the redecoration? I would go for the pet - you can take it with you, friend staying over should be okay - but they might not want to hear you having sex🤮. Find out what the issue is and address it.

If this is a cheap and comfortable deal for you decide how much you are willing to sacrifice to save for your house. If it is simply too much and it will damage your relationship with them and your adult life then move out.

I have three adult children currently back at home (one post uni)(of four) plus ds1's girlfriend from Australia.
They each contribute a very minimum rent. They share family food plus buy whatever extras they want, and their rooms are how ever they like them! I wouldn't dream of charging them a third for appliances or restricting their friends!

DD2's boyfriend is currently staying tonight (she's 24) Aussie girlfriend is here for two years :) I love having them around and hope they feel this is their home but that they are absolutely our equals now they are adults!

I think your parents need a reminder that you are not 5!

Why didn't the landlord replace the fridge??

My DD is back home post uni, working and saving towards the post grad course she is taking next year. We don’t charge her rent - she buys quite a lot of her own specialised food, cooks for us sometimes and does the occasional big shop to contribute to general supplies. This is what we are happy with - we don’t need a financial contribution from her and this is her family home.

She has some set areas of cleaning responsibility , comes and goes as she pleases - texts to say if she won’t be coming home so that I can stop half listening for the door click, has her bf to stay when we are away and occasionally when we are here, and has had a couple of small and unriotous, dinner parties by prior agreement, is currently redecorating part of her bedroom.

We treat her with respect due to the adult that she is but she isn’t on equal terms with us because it’s not her house,its not her financial responsibility and we are her parents not her flatmates.

The question of the appliance purchase is an unusual one in the case of the OP . I would say that it isn’t at all a common arrangement but if the family income is very low and buying a necessary thing like a fridge is going to be a struggle then it would be reasonable for her to chip in. The 1/3 split of utilities and rent also is very unusual rather than a contribution but, again, if there is such a low family income may be justification for more than token board money.

It is a tricky one - I can see why she is not happy with the flatmate type cost split but without the equality of a flatmate . The father needs to rethink his attitude a bit and either treat her less like a complete child or take less of a contribution.

The pet thing is a bit of a red herring - you’d have to have landlord agreement in a rental or agreement of flatmates in a flat share so, no, I don’t think that is a solo decision.

Your parents are being ridiculous. Of course you shouldn't have paid a third for the fridge. You could try asking them if you are an adult expected to pay their way and are free to make decisions about guests and decoration, or are you a child who can’t make decisions and therefore pays board?

Serioualy though, for the aakw of your long term relationship, get a cheap flat / house share.

And well done for graduating and getting on a good career path.

Do you live and work in the same area?

This all sounds very complicated and a lot of hard work. It would do my head in.

Working full time so they hardly see me as I get in, hang out with them for an hour or so/help to do the shopping then go to bed to chill.

Work is close to my parents place. Never asked for any money during uni (knew this wasn't available and I chose to go so they shouldn't have had to subsidize that).

Gracious no. Our house, our rules but then we don’t charge your children and never have. Only one would now give our home as their home address and she’s still a student.
When our son was earning but living at home he remained cost free as he was saving for a car/house.
Our daughter we still pay everything for.
They have a say through normal communication but it’s our choice to accept or reject that view.
The children wanted us to rehome the huge great beast that is harder work than the children put together as toddlers. We declined as it was too high maintenance whilst we both worked. My husband is out running him at the moment!

It’s about give and take, isn’t it? We give and enjoy watching the children take!

If it were my child I would charge rent but no where near 1/3 and I would surprise them upon moving out by giving it them back, that way they would get to learn responsibility but would still get to save.

A small pet would be fine so long as no one is allergic.

Expecting you to pay for the fride nevermind 1/3 is totally unreasonable.

Shelves would be fine although if they are heavy and need ridge plugs I would say you would need to remove them, fill them in and paint over upon leaving. I'd also ask you to be considerate of when you do any drilling / DIY etc.

To be honest I would probably move out in your circumstances.

Personally I think it's a bit unreasonable to be paying for a third of all the bills(bar council tax), it's not like a professional house share where you are all out during the day. Your usage of gas/electricity etc will be a lot lower so your basically subsidising your parents living.....
Go onto spareroom.com or roommates etc and have a look at comparable prices.... Your not allowed to decorate but you won't be treated like a child

I'm in a similar situation with 2 off my adult children who came back home. Equal responsibilities as we're all adults. However, their rooms are theirs to decorate within reason and I wouldn't expect them to contribute towards white goods. I also don't mind friends staying over. A hamster wouldn't bother me either, as long as it was looked after properly.