Is this fair?

[HannahHut]

If your child moves home from university to live for a few years are they an equal part of the household?

Now over 20, paying a third of the bills and contributing to things like household appliances when they break (one third). Would you say it is fair that they can make decisions on how to decorate their room, having a pet in their room or having people stay over?

I am the child, didn't want to say straight away to get unbiased answers.

I have to pay 1/3 of everything, yes including the fridge as I am working full time and now a member of the household. After rent i leave myself £250 to play with (including food, toiletries, clothes and driving lessons) the rest is in savings for my own place.

I have just lived alone without my parents for three years so didn't know if I was unreasonable in wanting a friend to stay over now and then, or to get a hamster, or putting shelves up in my own room!

I’m guessing you are the 20 year old?
Room decoration is something even my children as small children were allowed a day in. It’s their room. Small rodent if it was in their room and they looked after it no issue. People staying over in theory I wouldn’t have a problem ie friends, boyfriend but a string of one night stands I’d be less delighted about.
Wouldn’t charge for a third of appliances either because they can’t tske a third when they leave home again.

Wouldn't you prefer to live with friends?

You could pay 1/3 while living in a flat-share. It would be cheaper to have a room in a shared house. It sounds as though your parents want all the financial benefits but don't want you to actually be an adult in the house.

I used to pay a little dig money to my mum for washing clothes and hoovering my room but that was it, that money she kept to herself.

I did buy some food of my own but as i was saving to move out my dad didnt ask for any money towards bills. Because of this i bought my own flat when i was 20 a d got out of their hair sooner.

I suppose it depends on his wages and if he can afford to save enough as well as pay a third.

hollowtalk I'd prefer to live at home! I have two friends, both loving at home after uni like me, one pays a token amount as keep and the other pays nothing.

My family is very low income, without my third we wouldn't have been able to afford a fridge. My parents know what I am earning and feel it would be unfair of me not to pay 1/3 of everything if they do to- I completely agree with this, however I do feel as if I should be treated as an equal because of it. It seems like they're treating me the same as when I was a child which is what is getting my back up.

*on my own, not at home!!

Op move out! Your parents are cf's

Sorry just noticed your updated post. 250 is not a huge amount spare so i would perhaps be looking for somewhere cheaper if you can or try to compromise with parents. Perhaps you could do some jobs around the house and pay less? And yes i think that if you want to decorate your room you should be able too.

Fstar I have a lot more than £250 left but the rest is going to savings to get my own place sooner.

I already to work around the house, contributing to cleaning and gardening.

I really wouldn't mind the set up, it's just the absence of being treated like I'm a third of the household now, not their kid back home.

It's a shame they couldn't afford a fridge without your contribution but what happens when you do move out? They would need to fund things without you.

What would they have done if the fridge had broke before you moved back home?

I think it would have added to their credit card debt.

I'm just feeling a bit resentful that I'm not equal although I'm paying that way! My dad thinks I've lived on my own too long and expecting too much.

I'd move into another flat share. I wouldn't do this to my child.

When I shared with friends we had a fairly family-esque set up - communal shopping, cooking and cleaning and the like.

The deal there was that if you wanted a friend for dinner you cooked or gave a few days notice to the cook.

Friends/partners staying over - if in a communal area you asked every time, and if they were staying in your room, you asked the first time they stayed and then let the others know the rest of the time.

You let household members know if you would be away or out for dinner.

These all seemed like reasonable ground rules whereby we all respected one another but also had some freedom. Obviously we weren’t family, but we did sort of run as a family, with us all cooking and eating together and looking after one another if we were ill. I’ve never lived with my own parents post university.

Child should NOT have been asked to pay towards broken appliance that parents would have had to replace anyway.

Parents are taking the piss in that regard.

No pets if parents don't want them in the house.

If you value your relationship with your child, child should be allowed a friend or boy/girlfriend to stay over on occasion. They live there, too, and are paying their 'rent'.

My dad thinks I've lived on my own too long and expecting too much.

It's going to be hard to present this the right way but it sounds just as much like your dad has been living with a non contributing child (and then without one at all while you were at university) and has expected too much control over someone who's making an equal contribution.

No , not fair
My DD has moved home
She’s working and saving up,to go travelling and then do a masters
We don’t charge rent
I help her out with driving lessons
I would t dream of asking her to pay if something breaks down
There’s no way she can have a pet
I’m helping her decorate her bedroom
But , I’m guessing we’re better off than your parents

I think you might be better in a house share with people of a simile age

How much is your third of the costs? It’s there really no rental near you you could afford?

Personally I would, and did, prioritise living independently over building up a deposit. If you’re only 20 you might well move with job or travel so a property might limit your options (happened to several teacher friends of mone).

Yanbu!!

Can't believe you were expected to contribute a third to the fridge. . Does that mean you will be taking a third of it with you when you move out?

As others have said I'd look for somewhere else to live where you're actually treated like a fully paid up adult.

How much would it cost in a flat share compared to what you're paying now?

My son pays the difference in household running costs between when it was just DH and I and the household running costs after he moved back home. Exclusive of mortgage. He buys his food separately with the exception of certain staples. But he will also pick up bread, milk, etc for household consumption if he notices we're out. He'll also pay for the occasional takeaway for us all on his way home from work.

I certainly wouldn't expect him to pay for appliances/repairs unless he broke it through misuse!

He'd LOVE to be on his own, but rents here are ridiculous, even room rentals, and he really doesn't have any friends who are in a position to share.

It's frustrating that you're not able to have any influence on household decisions when you're making an equal financial contribution. As a parent, I wouldn't be keen on pets in rooms, and if you plan to move out anyway it makes little sense to redecorate your room (perhaps your parents are worried about the cost of changing it back when they are a low income household?) Friends/ boyfriends over seems reasonable as long as it's only one or two at a time- though do bear in mind that if they are on as low an income as you suggest, that they might be sensitive about other people judging things like ancient appliances and things they can't afford to replace, or worried that if food/ drinks are shared with friends there won' t be enough to go round.

While you feel that you're not getting the chance to be independent, living in a houseshare would bring other annoyances.

I'd say that if you are expected to pay 1/3 of everything then you are living in a flat share and not living in a family.

As a graduate who lived at home, I paid a reasonable amount towards my board but it was absolutely me living in my parents home and wasn't 1/3 of anything. I was treated as an adult in as much as I could come and go as I pleased but I was expected to let my parents know when I'd be in late or if I was going to be in for meals and to ask if it was ok to have friends to stay. To me, that was just common decency. If something essential had broken down and my parents couldn't afford to replace it, then I would absolutely contributed, again common decency, but it wouldn't be expected.

As for living in a family home in an equal flat share situation, I wouldn't expect to just get a pet without the agreement of all other flatmates as it's not something you would expect to do in any other flat share situation. I think you should tell your parents that, as you are paying an equal third, then you are an equal partner and that you need to sit down together and agree house/ground rules. Are you paying part of a mortgage? I assume that there are no younger siblings.

No flat shares near me.

I have spoken to my parents before and they if I decorate I would have to return the room to how it was when I move out. I'm expecting to stay here for at least a year or two so this would mean I have used my fair share of the fridge??

Anyway, as I said, I have no issue with the set up but the treatment of being their child and not an equal is the sticking point. I feel like I need a house meeting! It's so silly to me!