To wonder what the f*ck I’m supposed to do?

[31weeksgone]

Applied for council housing. Currently living with partner and daughter, partner is daughters dad and verbally and mentally abusive to me on daily basis. Starting work on Monday and I don’t earn enough to rent on my own and have to pay nursery fees, can’t apply for benefits whilst living with him because we count as a partnership, and can’t private rent without the benefits as haven’t enough money to put down as a deposit. At least £950 a month for 1 bedroom flat here with normally 1 month ahead and fees.

Applied for cheaper council housing, wrote the whole situation on my application, have a 2 year old, mentally and verbally abusive, hoarder, unsafe housing in the sense that we have a 2 year old and he leaves batteries knives on the side etc.

I’ve just cried upstairs when our daughters gone to bed to be come up and told I’m failing as a parent and I’m damaging her as she can hear crying, I’m making up my upset etc etc all the things that get said to me daily.

The council said I’m category C, not a priority and have to wait on average 7 YEARS to get homed.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I ache from sadness and just needed to get it out somewhere. I have no help, no friends or family, no support. I know it’s my fault for not being married but feel so broken

Speak to Shelter, they might be able to help.

Also try Refuge x

What a horrible situation for you. Is there literally nothing available housing wise or just nothing in your area? The authority I live in has a few properties available for immediate let which means they’ve been offered to others on the waiting list but have been turned down- it does mean that they’re in some of the most deprived areas but surely that’s got to be better than what you’re going through?

. There will be people along with specific advice but you need get professional help ASAP. Ring both shelter and women's aid and you should be able to get specific advice. You may need to go into temporary accommodation and accept some uncertainly but it will be worth it. Do you have an escape plan once accommodation is sorted? Is there someone to help you move?

Call Women’s Aid for advice.

I can help you with advice.

First of all, is your home mortgaged, private rent, housing association rent?

You can claim benefits whilst living separately under the same roof.

It’s just because I start work on Monday, I can’t move out of the area. I will be earning around £1,000 a month in wages, but like I said a lot of that is nursery fees.

I’m not married, he owns the house we live in and has been the main bread winner so to speak.

Thank you for everyone’s replies I will reply when I can but I don’t want him to know I’m looking at this if you know what I mean. And to clarify he’s never been physically abusice and I don’t believe he would, he’s just really manipulative. But I’d like him to still have contact with our child because he is actually a good dad believe it or not.

I went to our advice bureau and they said they couldn’t house me, like my online documents said it’s approximately a 7 year wait for housing in my category, I couldn’t be moved categories and I’d be making myself homeless, the system is rubbish

Live in south west England

You can also get help with a deposit. You need to go to CAB for advice.

And tax credits will help with nursery fees.

My citizens advice and all the online checker things said that whilst living with him I wasn’t entitled to anything and if I leave I’ve made myself intentionally homeless so can’t get any help, not sure what I’ve done wrong to get that information. And even then if I do leave I can’t afford rent on the benefits given in this area

As far as I am aware, fleeing domestic abuse does not count as making yourself intentionally homeless. Check out the housing section of the survivors guide on the Women's Aid website.

Women's Aid, Shelter, local council's Domestic Abuse Unit.
There'll be a way.

So he isn't a good dad then ?

" mentally and verbally abusive, hoarder, unsafe housing in the sense that we have a 2 year old and he leaves batteries knives on the side etc."

You need to decide.... If he is as you say you might be able to ge t more help.
And don't risk your dd with him

If you are in an abusive situation you can move out and it doesn't count as being voluntarily homeless so you will be more entitled to accommodation you'll need to check with women's aid how you can illustrate that your situation is abusive.

There are websites (e.g [https://www.entitledto.co.uk/?utm_source=BAdviser&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=GovUK EntitledTo]] which could tell you which benefits you'll get once you're away from him.

Do you have friends or family anywhere else in the country? You can get a job earning £1k a month pretty much anywhere and rent somewhere for half what it costs where you are.

i believe you CAN get extra benefits like tax credits , but you need to be honest that you are separated - seperate rooms, seperate finances, dont do any chores etc for him etc

A man who abuses his child's mother is not a good dad. The two are incompatible. Children are always affected by their parent being abused. They witness and pick up on far more than you realise - and as they get older they will also become targets for the abuse. Abusive men are not picky in that respect, they just want to feel powerful.

Lack of physical violence is also irrelevant. This is domestic abuse. Coercive control is a crime, and it's what he is doing to you.

Call Women's Aid when he's not around: 0808 2000 247.

Abusers only use physical violence when they feel like their other tactics aren't keeping enough control of you. Right now, his other tactics are working so he doesn't use violence. That doesn't mean he won't.

When you're explaining your situation, just state that he is abusing you. Don't list categories of abuse unless you're asked for them - they're all varying tactics of domestic abuse. And I strongly suspect you're minimising or have normalised enough of his behaviour that he is abusingyouabusing you in a much wider way than you're currently explaining. It would be rare for that not to be the case.

Once you've sorted the practical things - or while you're sorting them - try and get yourself on the Freedom Programme. There is far more to his abuse than you're able to see right now, but understanding that will be critical for you. Both in terms of your own life, healing, and future - and in terms of being able to articulate what's happened to other people when you need to access support and advice. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Women's Aid can either help you sort out somewhere safe to live, or they can find you a place in a refuge and then help you get sorted somewhere more permanently.

To be clear, what is happening to you is wrong and it is absolutely bad enough for you to be asking Women's Aid and any other organisation necessary for help. You do not deserve it and you do not have to live this way.

I am sorry there is little help available in this situation. The only option is to move to a refuge and then you can start claiming benefits and get onto the waiting list for housing. However, I think the job would have to go if he knows where it is and you are under threat of him coming to find you.

My advice would be to stay where you are if there is no immediate threat, try and get money from him for nursery etc and save save save. Get your job secure and try and increase your salary with more hrs etc - you should be entitled to child tax credits and help with nursery fees depending on what he earns. Get all that sorted and then look at moving out. Knives and batteries you can put away.

Some councils, ours included will give you a grant for a deposit of up to £700, which isnt well known, but for people who are homeless or in very bad situations they will help, also with furniture

He can't be a really good dad if he verbally and mentally abuses the mother of his child. Terrible example to his child. So get that right out of your head.

We don’t get any help for nursery fees etc except the tax free childcare, it pays about 20% of our nursery fees because he earns around 40K a year and me 10 pushing just over into higher tax allowance but it all goes into his mortgage and into his bank accounts. I just get food shopping and car money.

I want to stay here as it’s a specific job and good prospects to allow me to go back to university.

He is a good dad in the sense of being great with our daughter, but not in the sense of with me or the house or anything like that. I’m sure she would pick up on him controlling me. It seems that it’s move to refuge and her never see him or stay here

Think I will have to save save save and just save up as much as I can. Thinking of loan but surely that’s not a good idea

Sorry for lack of replies just been up now since I last posted being shouted at and told IM gas lighting him!!! Ridiculous

It’s a big plea but if anyone at all reads this and knows of any landlords in the southwest area that would be happy without agency fees and a very good tenant please let me know

He never ever does it when she’s around or other people. If I told anyone he was like this they’d say I was crackers. High power job, lots of control, very intelligent, big house, nice cars etc it looks perfect from outside but I don’t have any of the house or any money, all my friends gone when I got together with him and too embarrassed to have anyone inside this house TWO HUGE room (not boast please just big old house live in a world heritage city if that narrows it down) is full ceiling to floor of his hoarding.

I can’t throw away food waste without being labelled as abusive for throwing his things away, I quit my degree as too much stress and now have no job prospects - it’s such a mess. I’m embarrassed and frustrated at myself to get in this situation.