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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family rift over the sake of a lift?

27 replies

Geknock · 01/09/2018 21:24

Me and my partner gave the FIL his first grandchild 6 weeks ago and he still hasn't met her. We live in the next village over which would mean him getting two buses at £6.20 for both or a taxi probably £10. I refused to give him a lift in the first 2 weeks as I was still healing and honestly couldn't be bothered (partner and FIL don't drive) I have since told my partner I can pick his dad up if needs be but partner as said not to bother, if he can't be bothered to stay out of the pub for one day to spare the money then he doesnt get to see her.
I've been trying to stay out of their petty back and forth but I hate conflict.
Should we just accept FIL is rubbish; be the bigger people and pick him up? Or stick to our guns and tell him to make the effort?

OP posts:
ManyCrisps · 01/09/2018 21:26

It’s annoying but at least your partner is able to see how bad he is.

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 01/09/2018 21:26

Has he expressed any desire to see his grandchild?

If so, I'd pick him up. If not, I'd leave him to it.

gamerchick · 01/09/2018 21:27

Leave it with your bloke, he seems to have a handle on it. Let him deal with him.

LyndorCake · 01/09/2018 21:27

Firstly, very strange the phrase the birth of your child as you "giving your FIL a grandchild".
Secondly, I'd just keep out of it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 21:28

It is rubbish he hasn't made the effort to see his GC I agree. How often did he see you before?

TwoOddSocks · 01/09/2018 21:29

I'd probably go and pick him up if he wants you to. Obviously he should make the effort to come off his own back but I don't think it's worth conflict over.

HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 21:29

Keep out of it. If he wants to visit enough, then he will. He sounds like a really selfish guy with a drink problem - I wouldn't be chasing him down.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 01/09/2018 21:29

I would visit once with baby for half an hour then tell him He is welcome to come to yours and leave it at that. Up to him if he visits again but it will mean your DD has met her grandparent and you have made an effort.

Singlenotsingle · 01/09/2018 21:30

Accept that he's rubbish, and leave it to him. He'll come if he wants to. If he can't be bothered, no great loss

Maelstrop · 01/09/2018 21:30

Why couldn’t you pop over to see him for half an hour? I mean, I’m being devil’s advocate cos if he can’t be arsed to get on 2 buses or stay out of the pub to see her, then tough on him.

HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 21:32

Why should she, Maelstrop? This guy can't put anything except his own ale first. Why should she prioritise her? Her own partner isn't bothered so she shouldn't be, either.

HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 21:33

But our children have no idea whether they met their grandad when they were days old! The OP should put herself first now.

londonrach · 01/09/2018 21:34

Just pop over when next you there for a few minutes. You had a baby. Very strange turn of phase..gave him a grandchild. If no interest when you pop over..you know your answer

SheSparkles · 01/09/2018 21:35

My late MIL couldn’t keep herself sober to meet her first grandchild with the result she didn’t see her till she was 3 months old.
Dd is 21 and none the wiser, but MIL felt like shit for the rest of her life. It’s choices, the baby won’t know what he/she is missing

ohhelloitsyou · 01/09/2018 21:52

it's your dps dad. you should support his decision in this i think. He sounds like he has a good head on him. Let him decide when but don't feel pressured to pick him up when you don't want to. If he was that keen to see his grandchild he would have by now.

sonjadog · 01/09/2018 21:52

Does he want to come and visit? Has he talked about how much he wants to see the baby?

Original poster
Geknock · 01/09/2018 21:57

FIL wasn't around much when OH was growing up and as I understand it his parents split while he was only a few months old because he spent the whole time down the pub. OH has also routinely has to help him out financially over the years, bearing in mind OH is only 21, so I think this is more the straw that broke the camel's back which is why I'm not sure if I should intervene. Might be easier to air this all now than keep it bottled up for years just because 'he's Family' iykwim.

OP posts:
MortyVicar · 01/09/2018 22:02

I think you have to support your DP on this one. His relationship with his father is his business, and the past has obviously hurt him. I don't think it's a good idea for you to try to play peacemaker.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 01/09/2018 22:05

Don’t go against your dp here. It sounds like your fil has treated him badly do he’s put in place some boundaries. Don’t ride roughshod over those because you’re thinking about what should be happening rather than the reality of what fil is like.

Duck90 · 01/09/2018 22:06

You gave yourself a child! Unless you were under command to give birth for fil?

sonjadog · 01/09/2018 22:13

So a man who wasn't very interested in seeing his son when he was growing up is now showing not very much interest in his grandchild? This was to be expected. Let your partner take the lead on this one. If he doesn't want his father showing the same level of disinterest in his grandchild, then that is a reasonable choice to make.

RebelRogue · 01/09/2018 23:21

Let your partner to take the lead on this one. It's his (deadbeat) dad. Sounds like you'll soon enough be NC due to his lack of contact.

sue51 · 01/09/2018 23:24

Your DP has the measure of his father. I would leave all the running to FIL.

Reaa · 02/09/2018 00:23

FIL can not stay sober long enough to meet his first grandchild that grandchild is now 15years old so I know how you feel OP, we offered to pay all travel costs, we just asked if he could be sober instead of drunk, clearly the alcohol is still more important.

Beansonapost · 02/09/2018 00:35

Hes an adult... urely he can get his shit together for a visit?

Leave it, your OH is correct.