Sister views us as scum

[campingchairheaven]

Expecting to get
Lynched as it AIBU..... so Back history, 4 siblings, lovely parents, eldest sibling is low or no contact with us all. We are nice normal people - eldest is very very wealthy and views that we are all after their money. None of us are skint, none of us have asked for money, and quite seriously it would take hell to freeze and some for any of us to ask for cash.

It’s a massive event coming up, I’m just going to organise it and pay for it. But the eldest is already kicking off and telling my parents off for allowing the rest of us to pay for something we can’t afford. WE CAN AFFORD IT. We are not broke. We can afford to treat our lovely parents for a big anniversary, but they want to do bloody pizza restaurant again. Nothing wrong with pizza - but this pizza restaurant is shit. It’s as if they think that’s what we are all worth. Now the battle is on, to get my parents to do something nice, my parents listen to them, and for some bloody reason believe them.

I’m trying not to drip feed, there has been 20 years of shit between us, she views that she was the eldest and helped looked after us all / she didn’t - she fucked off as soon as mother had the MS diagnosis / she had left Home then, I went to the appointments, she was no where to be fucking to be seen. I was there at the brain scans in London, she was there with theatre tickets for my parents. She hates me, but I’ve genuinely not done anything to ever deserve it / I looked after our mother, I’m the local one / I’m there to provide meals on wheels if they aren’t feeling well, I’m the one who goes to the chemist, I’m the one who goes to the hospital.

I don’t give a fucking shit if I’m being unreasonable - I will throw a party, but my fear is she will persuade my lovely parents that they are not worth it. And that the bloody shitty pizza is all any of us should expect again.

Tell her you've already booked and paid a deposit, so seeing as you're so skint she can't possibly want you to lose the deposit by going for pizza instead?

Tell her if she doesn't like the place you've chosen, she's welcome to take your parents out on a different date, but that the rest of you are sticking with the plan.

She's a cow, but you know that

Could you do it as a surprise for your parents? If no one knows about it until it happens she can't spoil it

Can you show your parents the money you have for the event?

Or say to your sis she can take them to the pizza restaurant and you'll take them to the other place.

Or 'agree' to the pizza place. Pretend youve booked a table there. Pick your mum and dad up up and take them to the nice place where you do have a reservation. Text your sister when you get to nice place reminding her to meet at nice place. Insist you thought you'd told her of the change of plan.

Unfortunately I'd already raised it will my parents, they were so excited to begin with. They are not now, hence she has got to them, in fairness to the folks they initially said x prob won't make it. Yep you mean we can't do the 1.5 hours they have free on a Saturday mid afternoon - that everyone else has to make.

Not this time, it's too big of an event, I'm not letting the twisted sister ruin it.

Does your sister have disposable income? I'm wondering if she doesn't have enough to pay for somewhere nice and is making out that she's concerned that you can't afford it to save face.

Good on you. Your sister can take them out another night.

Might be interesting to guess if she will take them to pizza place because they don't want to waste their precious money on poor people like her parents. Or if they take them somewhere more expensive to show how rich they are.

Just go and see your mum and say, "Listen, Mum, we all really want to treat you to a lovely. Sister seems to think we can't afford, but we can. So that's what would make us all happy, if you let us treat you. If Sister can't afford, we're happy to pay for her, too."

Stick to your plans, don’t let your bitch sister spoil this lovely event for your parents.

She is loaded, in the multiple of millions. She just views that the rest of us are.... bloody scum. I can't find any other way to explain it.

We are not scum, but by parents listen to them as gods - as they have done so seriously well - therefore they must be right in everything.

But she wasn't there, I was, maybe there is an element of guilt, maybe it's just plain nasty. We didn't speak for years, I tried to say hello when she was with her friends (I hadn't seen her for six months) and got told to do one as she was with her friends.

I'm under no illusion, this isn't a relationship that will ever be repaired, I just don't want my parents 50th anniversary to be a bloody 1.5 hours on a mid Saturday afternoon at a bloody pizza restaurant.

Maybe can’t afford it due to small disposable income or maybe protesting because her nose has been shoved out and she’s not in control of the organising

She probably just hates that you were there in the hard times - and all she did was buy something (ie theatre tickets) almost as if her only contribution was monetary, when what your mum needed was emotion support, love etc. Your sister wasn’t capable of that, but you were.

She can afford, she views that that we are those whose can't. Seriously she is minted. She really views us all as scum, she has called me a fucking hippy -- I got my ears pierced!!!!

It's a bizarre situation to try and explain, i would completely understand if she was struggling, but seriously they are not. In any shape or form, they just view that as they are better off than the rest of the family that we are after something.

We are not, I don't want anything from them, bar their time - the time to have a proper family event.

How do your two other siblings feel about it? Can they afford it? If they can and if they like the idea then the three of you just organise the party you want.

I think she just doesnt like the idea that you dont struggle for money. She gets power being the rich one, she doesnt want to give that power away.

Well, fuck her. Treat your parents how they deserve.

Kill this with kindness op. There is room for both! Tell your parents you are definitely doing a party ... their lovely friends want to celebrate with them. If dsis wants to take them for pizza instead/as well as that’s very kind of them etc. your sister obviously has the wrong idea, but you don’t see her too often. because you’ve never inferred you can’t afford it, and you offered so it’s obvious that you have the funds and it’s paid for so you would now loose money! Agree ds is being ‘thoughtful’ .. smile as you express your concern dsis actually might not have any cash as she is going for cheap options.... good luck

OP. She sounds toxic.

We'll done you for looking out for your parents. Who knows what her agenda is.

The main thing to keep sight of is that this is about your parents.

3 of us can easily afford to do something special, but it's the eldest who determines. The eldest who says that none of the rest of us our worthy. That we couldn't possible have the money to do a nice weekend. We are all in our 40s we do have the money. We want to do it. She will convince our parents that is it is a bad idea.

She makes me feel like a small child. She belittles us all, talks down to us, makes out that the gardener she now provides for us parents makes up for it all. She wasn't there, she buggered off during the hard years of my mother's illness. But somehow she is the one they listen to now.

I'm just going to organise it, hope the folks turn up - and hope she doesn't pull too much of a guilt trip. I can't see any other way.

I'm so confused.
Just say you can afford it so no worries.
If your parents always listen to her over anyone else then tbh they are the problem too and I'd sit down and speak to them about that.

I know a family dynamic like this. It’s horribly toxic. I agree very wealthy people often assume others are after their money when they really aren’t. I’m sorry you are going through this. Stick to your plan if you can. What do your other siblings make of it all.

Tell your parents you are very worried about your eldest sister's mental health. She seems to have an obsession about money and worries about everyone else's means despite everyone doing well and you are concerned that if you give into this, she may get worse. Ask them to help you minimise the stress to sister's mental health by not worrying her about arrangements etc. Tell them you have organised a wonderful celebration for their 50th that everyone will enjoy and can afford and their grandchildren in particular are really looking forward to it.

I think she is either downright nasty, guilty because she didn't step up when your mother got sick, mean as anything, controlling, batshit crazy or all of the above.

I'm just going to organise it, hope the folks turn up

Can't one of the lot of you that are organising the decent event pick them up to make sure they come?

Even if you tell them it's just pizza to get their cooperation and brand it a surprise party when it turns out not to be pizza?

Pretty much what I'd do. But I no longer play along with the games of bitchy twats, so I'd be uninterested in her reaction. Life's too short for that kind of bullshit.

Surprise party for parents. Post the invite to eldest a leetle bit late. Or with slightly wrong post code.

I’d be tempted to tell your folks you’ve moved where you’re going to a surprise so you will pick them up and tell your horrid sister nothing. No one expects her to turn up anyway.

Will your other siblings go along with that?

It sounds as though she was very jealous of you (and probably all of you) as a child. My brother is vile to me yet listened to by my mother and put on a pedestal. He can do no wrong. She allowed me to be bullied even as a baby. He is violent and threatening and my sil regularly screams at my dd and me for some perceived slight - dor existing really. Since going nc for my physical safety my mothe just wants us to be “friends”. Well dh, dd and I tried to appease them for years, tiptoeing around them. It didn’t work. According to my mother the violence and abuse is all my fault because I shouldn’t have done x or I was obviously doing y. The denial is so complete that according to her I, a female and the younger sibling bullied him. Words fail me.

Sounds as if you have a similar dynamic going on. Best to let your sister do something entirely separate to your plans. Do not include her. She just wants to ruin this out of spite and jealously. She knows you can all afford this and equally if she says you can’t your parents take the bait. She is dangerous. Keep away from her. Stop trying to get back in contact. You have to accept she has decided you are all evil.

Some great advice, thank you. Right I better start organising something decent this year

Good. . It’s so refreshing when you realise you don’t have to act in a specific way to appease your sibling.