Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH interfering in professional Life, AIBU to tell him off?

37 replies

littlemisspigg · 01/09/2018 10:22

Long story short, everytime I have any trouble or winge about my work, my DH takes it upon himself to sort it out...his idea of sorting out involves being rude to my colleagues, telling them what I need done etc. Unfortunately our professional lives do cross and he is in a position to get in touch with my colleagues directly. I have hinted several times that I do not wish this, but he has continued and, not surprisingly, caused the situation to become worse. Finally had an argument with him and told him in clear words that I do not want him to do such things and that it maybe his idea of helping but it just ends up making things quite unpleasant for me, and that if he continued, I would start doing the same to him. So here we are not speaking to each other and him in a big huff. I, at my end, have decided not to confide any work issues to him and pretend all is brilliant at work all the time. All advice will be gratefully received. I do understand that in his immature childish brain, this is a great way to help. At my end I feel he crosses the fine line between helping and interfering.

OP posts:

BunsOfAnarchy · 01/09/2018 10:30

Its time to stop hinting and tell him direct that HE is being incredibly unprofessional by getting involved.
I cannot imagine anything more cringeworthy in a workplace than that.
You should always be able to talk to your DH about work related shite, its a way to vent and de stress. Its part and parcel of any healthy relationship to be able to have someone listen and understand and advise. But by no means should he ever get involved.

If anything it makes you look like a complete knob too. I am not saying you are, but his ridiculous actions will make others have a very negative point of view about you.
Do not let hin ruin your professional reputation by being a complete interfering tit.

Havaina · 01/09/2018 10:31

YANBU at all. He's an immature baby, don't mollify or mollycoddle him.

Does he often give you silent treatment?

Original poster

littlemisspigg · 01/09/2018 10:32

Thanks bunsofanarchy, my point precisely! I look and feel like a complete arse in front of colleagues....to the point where I'm beginning to think of changing my career....I don't understand this thinking pattern if his really, it's so crazy!

OP posts:

Lucked · 01/09/2018 10:33

I would go ape-shit! Tell him you are going to return the favour and have words with his colleagues.

Could you look for a job beyond his sphere? Although it shouldn’t have to come to that.

Poptart4 · 01/09/2018 10:34

I would be furious if my dp did that to me.

Your mistake was 'hinting' you didn't want him to interfere. You should have firmly told him from the start to butt out.

You have done that now so hopefully he'll get the message and stop. Your right to not confide in him about work anymore but i do think its abit sad that you can't trust your own partner to not break your confidence.

Original poster

littlemisspigg · 01/09/2018 10:35

Oh I'm used to the silent treatment now, doesn't bother me at all, I just get on with my work. He does go into a tantrum mode though...chucking things around, refusing to eat and all that....gosh- I'm beginning to see a pattern of behaviour here now...he's a man-child!!!!

OP posts:

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 01/09/2018 10:36

That is so out of order. My and my DH work for the same organisation but neither of us would dream of doing this. It's do unprofessional.
The only time my DH has says anything is when he was asked a question directly and even then he kept it brief and professional. He's not doing you any favours.

NoodleEatingPoodle · 01/09/2018 10:38

He sounds abusive, manipulative, and very controlling.

NadiaLeon · 01/09/2018 10:46

Do you dearly love him OP?

Bluelady · 01/09/2018 10:47

Stop telling him stuff. You need to find someone else to discuss your concerns with and vent to. Cut him out of the loop.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/09/2018 10:48

You need to start making plans to get rid of this man. He is deliberately undermining you - either he feels threatened by your skill and competence, as you work in the same area, or he thinks you should be at home like an obedient servant, and dependent on him for money. So his aim is not to 'help' but to create an impression that you are a silly little woman who can't cope without her male owner supervising everything she does.

The fact that he throws things and shouts when you ask him to keep his nose out suggests even more strongly that he is a woman-hater, abusive and likely to escalate.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/09/2018 10:49

Gosh, that's crazy and so, so unprofessional on his part. Is his meddling idiocy recognised by his own colleagues? Does he behave in similar ways in his own workplace, blundering into things that aren't his business and demanding that things be done his way? He won't go far if so.

Stop telling him anything. Then reflect on whether that's how you want to live and whether it's what you want from a partner.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/09/2018 10:51

He sounds abusive, manipulative, and very controlling

What she said. He does not sound that pleasant, to put it mildly, to be around.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/09/2018 10:52

I wouldn't term this 'man child' behaviour btw. That's more about being incapable of simple domestic tasks I think. This is emotionaly immature but highly manipulative activity. 'Do what I want or I'll do it for you, or I'll throw things!' That's agression and control.

FASH84 · 01/09/2018 10:54

DH and I work in the same industry, this is a big no no, I'm more senior than he is, so occasionally he will come to me and ask about a particular situation (especially if he thinks something isn't being handled appropriately), but for clarification, policy advice or just to discuss it, we never get involved in each other's work

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/09/2018 10:54

Refusing to eat? Well, who's that affecting, apart from himself? I assume you're not cooking for him? If so, stop it, if he's going to try to use it against you as some sort of perceived punishment.

maxthemartian · 01/09/2018 10:54

He sounds almost deranged.

GabriellaMontez · 01/09/2018 10:55

Do you have children together?

Willow2017 · 01/09/2018 10:56

He must be a laughing stock at work!

Who on earth thinks its ok to interfere in thier partners work?

Tell him.you are not a child and he is not your parent and you are allowed to moan about work without him rushing in and making things worse.

As for the tantrums tell him to grow the fuck up or leave. He is acting like a spoilt brat expecting everyone to jump to his demands no matter who they are. This wont get better until you make him realise you are serious and he needs to act like a man not a toddler.

Returnofthesmileybar · 01/09/2018 10:57

Well he sounds like a complete knob but I am confused as to why the hell you were hinting all along instead of shutting it down the very first time and telling him to back the fuck off

Travis1 · 01/09/2018 10:57

What are his actual good points? Everything you’ve said just makes him sound like a controlling dock

bevelino · 01/09/2018 10:58

OP, everyone probably discusses you and your dh behind your backs and your colleagues could end up not trusting you if your dh barges in and is rude. I could not put up with this and would be looking for a new job.

Travis1 · 01/09/2018 10:58

*dick! Controlling dick! No idea what a controlling dock is

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 01/09/2018 10:58

Refusing to eat is a form of abuse ( as are many of the characteristics he's displaying) it's a way to manipulate you into behaving the way he wants you to. My friend's partner used to do this. I don't want to frighten you but it didn't end well.
Please consider leaving him

lottiegarbanzo · 01/09/2018 10:58

Yeaah, don't have dcs with him. Adults throwing things, and children, don't mix well. Men who act like children, demand their DW's constant attention and pandering, don't mix well with actual children either.

Flip

1 2