Aibu- give me a slap

[Cheekylittlenumber]

I’ve got two DCs, almost 4 and almost 1. My DH is a SAHD, and I work full time in a very demanding job with a big commute.

We have a lovely home, are very happy generally but I’m struggling.

I work FT but also do a lot of the house work. I would say I do 65% to his 35% although he does all DIY and a lot of cooking so it’s probaviy even. I can’t relax knowing the place is a tip so instead of spending time with the kids in the evening or on the rare moments I get a break if I work from home, I’m running around sticking a wash on, or emotying the dishwasher. I grew up in a filthy house with no clean clothes so I can’t cope at the thought my kids don’t have clean underwear- it’s my issue.

We share all house admin, and him being at home is a financial and personal decision, as he’s unskilled and any childcare costs wouldn’t make it while him
Working. He is also an excellent SAHD and although finds it bloody hard keeps the kids busy at groups etc.

We’ve had a serious of sick bugs and illnesses at home, we’re on the third bug this month. I burst into tears this morning, just at the thought of washing, scrubbing carpets AGAIN. DH has been sick all night in bed now and I’m going to have to look after the kids alone again all weekend (three weekends in August I’ve done this)

I feel like I’m just in a cycle of working and sleeping and house work and kids and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. We have no family support, they live hours away.

I’m a relatively high earner but pay a lot of tax and don’t get any child benefits. I know the tax credits/child benefits are for lower earners, I’m not complaining that I don’t qualify for them. Every month we’re deep into my overdraft, even sometimes over it including fees. Partly because we’re in debt, partly because I’m working long hours and don’t have time to cook, so we spend money of comvience food which I know is a waste.

Aside from conviencance food were frugal, and moved outside of London to be able to live off my wage alone, and I just feel like a total failure.

I’m not earning enough to properly support us, I’m not ‘enjoying’ spending time with my children as I’m so bloody knackered, and I’m just low and in a self pity spiral today which makes me hate myself even more as I’m very aware I’m so lucky and a lot of people are in much worst situations. Aside from the sickness bugs were healthy, we have a nice home, and I love and respect my DH.

Can someone slap me around the face?

for you op,not a slap!
You sound exhausted.can you get away for a night's spa treatment?get a good night's sleep,a time for you to sit back,relaxed and review your lifestyle.then return home and talk with your dh any thoughts you may have had?could you get a cleaner?or an au pair?you will regret the time you are missing out on with your dc when they are older,if you have a cleaner you will have an extra few hours to bond with them without worrying about the chores.
Good luck

You don’t need a slap, you need a hug. You are going through a tough time at the moment and you are overwhelmed - and that’s ok, it doesn’t make you a failure.

With regards to the fees on your overdraft, it may be worth appealing them if they are pushing you further into financial hardship, have a look at the Martin Lewis website for info on how to do it.

May I also suggest you visit your bank and discuss your financial situation, we had a bit of a money crisis too and were a bit rubbish at managing our income. They helped us sort out or budgeting etc and from that help we quickly managed to reduce our overdraft. We are still not flush, but it’s amazing how much better it feels to not have a minus infront of those numbers makes.

Don’t stress too much about the house - take a day to chill with the kids, watch a film, visit the park etc. The housework will be there tomorrow.

@KarmaStar op has said they have debt and are deep into her over draft every month.

Could your DH go back to work PT and this could pay for a cleaner etc?

I'm currently a sahm to a whirlwind of a 2yo and manage to do all of the housework and cooking. The only things I don't do is food shopping and some of the DIY.

I'm assuming the 4yo is in nursery so why can't your DH do it when the 1yo is napping?

You don't need a slap, your DH isn't pulling his weight. He should definitely be doing more than a bit of cooking and the DIY.

I actually had a cleaner and stopped her coming because I just didn't really feel the need to have her when I could easily do it. Although I'm going back to work soon 17.5 hours and will get one again.

OP you need a hug, not a slap.

Sickness bugs are awful. Luckily, as kids get older they get less as their immune system develops. And they get to the stage where they can err aim into a bucket instead of soft furnishings/carpets. This time will pass. The bugs will run their course, and the chuntering will stop.

About the debt though. It sounds like it is unmanageable. Have you sought advice from CAB or stepchange? It might be a good idea to get them involved so that you can set up a MANAGABLE repayment plan. You need to have enough money to live on first, the remainder to pay the debt rather than the other way round.

Sorry I forgot to add that if your debt is unmanageable then your DH really needs to look for work.

That sounds tough.

If he's at home during the day there's no reason he can't pop a wash on and empty the dishwasher.

He shouldn't be doing 100% of the housework but should be doing the lions share.

Thanks everyone. Can’t afford a cleaner, or any help. 4 year old is a September baby and is starting school next September. When it’s term time she does 15 hours at preschool (we only get 15 hours as I’m the only one working)

I’m going to ask for a salary review at work on Monday, or at least a bonus as I’m highly skilled in the industry I’m in and could earn a much higher income if I went freelance. However my work are very flexible and family friendly, although when DD2 hits one I think my WFH situation might end. I love my job and I have lots of friends there, and leaving will be a big sacrifice personally as it’s a very supportive environment. If I leave I’ll definitly earn more money but I’ll be less happy in my career, which makes me actually sob (very pathetic)

My DH could get a job on the weekends, but I feel that’s crazy if I could be earning a lot more if I left my enjoyable (but extremely demanding- I was working till 11pm two nights this week for example) job.

You do need a cuddle

And there is absolutely light at the tunnel you are going to blink your eyes and your kids will be at school!

Dh might not be able to earn enough to cover childcare for pre school children but even minimum wage should cover an after school club and he can work while they are at school.

Have a good look at where your money is going you would be surprised how much of a difference cutting those direct debits and unnecessary spending is going, claim back charges, look for less interest, swap to Aldi instead of Tesco, meal planning. I don't know what cleaners cost around you here it's £30 a fortnight or £50 for a monthly deep clean and that's basically a couple take away but would take me HOURS.

I've got a dc in p5 and looking back on all the moments of being a mum I can promise you that the absolute worst times were when he was pre school getting tummy bugs and everything has got easier since

Just to be fair to DH, the almost one year old is a very difficult baby. She’s teething badly, cries all the time if not entertained, and I have first hand experience of how hard it is when trying to juggle the housework whist looking after her as she’s crawling and into everything and DD1 who’s bloody hard work too.

He’s usually better at sticking a wash on etc but he’s been ill a lot recently. I think we’re both rundown as we have no support, and with my long working hours recently he’s been doing bedtime routine etc by himself, whilst still not being 100% better.

DH’s mum was brilliant and very hands on with DD1 as a baby, but they’ve moved to 2 hours away, and even when we visit them we don’t get offered much help. Dh’s Mum still works full time so I don’t expect loads of help, just an offer of a meal out when we stay with them would be brilliant.

We have a night out together next week but I think I’m going to have to cancel that as DD1 needs bigger clothes- just has a growth spurt.

I'd ask your DH to do more. Honestly I don't see any reason that he can't keep at least a moderately clean and tidy house.

Whilst the children are eating breakfast he can put a clothes wash on then eat his breakfast.

Everyone clean, changed, dressed and out to take older child to nursery.

Back and baby probably napping at this stage, if not then in high chair with toys. He can clean the kitchen at this stage & load dishwasher.

Activity / play with baby / read to baby then collect dd from nursery (?)

Lunchtime, tidy up while baby still eating.
Baby naps and washing hung up or put in drier. Put something in slow cooker for dinner. 4yo can watch some television at this point as she's been stimulated at nursery all morning.

Play with baby & 4 yo together

Dinner, bath & bed

You both tidy up any toys together.

He needs to pull his weight more.

Cross post

I feel more energised and less mopey after you’re comments, I’m going to get some things together to sell on FB marketplace today. That will help us get out of our overdraft, even a bit.

Thanks Kaytee87, he is usually much better at keeping up with it all, and when I come home in the evenings/in the mornings I tag team him. But I just feel overwhelmed at the moment. Although, I’ve been lying down on the sofa mumsnsttung while baby has been napping- just physically and emotionally knackered! Need to get moving!

Can't he get a or job...evenings or on the weekend to help financially?

You're in a negative cycle and need to get out of it. Your body needs rest, nutritious food and exercise to stay healthy, sounds like you're all stressed and eating badly.
Take responsibility for it. Sit down with DH and work out a budget and a schedule. Eg batch cook on Sunday for rest of week, washes on a Tuesday and Thursday, each spend half hour an evening cleaning. Get DH to do more too.
It's more important to spend time with your kids than have an immaculate house, it'll be better for their immune systems too.
There must be things you're spending on that could be cheaper. Second hand clothes, less convenience food, use less electricity?
It'll be difficult but it sounds like you can't go on like this. If you don't do something it could harm your relationship or make you properly ill, which would be much worse.

I do understand I had surgery a week ago and am currently suffering from pneumonia. My toddler has a stinking cold and is up through the night regularly again. We're also having the house renovated starting on Tuesday and we've basically had to clear most stuff out and we're moving to my mums on Monday. My DH is having to chip in a lot more than usual at the moment and is probably knackered too.
I think the thing that keeps us positive is having no money worries, people downplay the importance of money. I agree having lots of money can't really make you happy but not having enough of it can certainly make you unhappy. I'd focus any energy on trying to sort your financial situation out and you'll probably find you feel better.

It's easy to feel overwhelmed, I always find making a list and having a plan helps me feel in control.

Yes. Your DH isnt pulling his weight.

It would probably be better all round for your husband to get some kind of paid employment. Because the set up you have now isn't working. Him being a stay at home dad should help you but you are stressed because he's not doing what I would call a fair share of the household duties. Or if the present situation is to continue draft out a list of tasks and allocate them in a fair way. He should be doing all the housework through the week IMHO. I just read you have a difficult one year old. TBH I think being a SAHP is not really suiting your DH at all.

This is probably the most difficult time. Try not to get too het up about the mess as in a year or so it will be a lot easier.
Grim having to clean carpets but if your DH is ill he can’t help it. It’s a crap time but it’ll get better. And definitely ask for more money at work if you’re working those crazy hours.

Why, as a SAHD is he not cooking cheap, nutritious meals instead of relying on expensive convenience foods? Seems crazy that you are wasting so much money that way and it could be why you are so run down and Ill so much.

The housework will still be there tomorrow. Yes it’s an awful feeling when the house is in chaos but having a day on the sofa, sitting in the garden & preparing a healthy meal might mean your batteries are a little more re charged to get things done tomorrow.

First of all that sounds stressful and exhausting.

This will get better. The children are at an exhausting age - especially the baby. You and your husband sound like your are doing a fantastic job and both working very hard. Everyone struggles at this stage but it will get better. The four year old will increasingly entertain herself and the baby will get easier.

But, for now, give yourself a break. The house will be messy - little children are messy (and at times disgusting). You husband is sick so he isn’t doing as much. That’s ok.

Prioritise the things that need to be done around the house. DIY can go on the back burner.

This will get better, it’s just overwhelming now.

Sickness bugs are the worst when dcs are little. You just have to cope until you are through it, in the knowledge it will get better. Don't judge your whole life on the basis of this period.

You do not need a slap

Cleaning can wait. It's not important. Get home from work, put the washing in, spend time with your children and then relax. You don't need to be scrubbing the house the way you're doing it. As long as it's tidy and cleaned maybe once a week, that's fine.