Aibu- give me a slap

[Cheekylittlenumber]

I’ve got two DCs, almost 4 and almost 1. My DH is a SAHD, and I work full time in a very demanding job with a big commute.

We have a lovely home, are very happy generally but I’m struggling.

I work FT but also do a lot of the house work. I would say I do 65% to his 35% although he does all DIY and a lot of cooking so it’s probaviy even. I can’t relax knowing the place is a tip so instead of spending time with the kids in the evening or on the rare moments I get a break if I work from home, I’m running around sticking a wash on, or emotying the dishwasher. I grew up in a filthy house with no clean clothes so I can’t cope at the thought my kids don’t have clean underwear- it’s my issue.

We share all house admin, and him being at home is a financial and personal decision, as he’s unskilled and any childcare costs wouldn’t make it while him
Working. He is also an excellent SAHD and although finds it bloody hard keeps the kids busy at groups etc.

We’ve had a serious of sick bugs and illnesses at home, we’re on the third bug this month. I burst into tears this morning, just at the thought of washing, scrubbing carpets AGAIN. DH has been sick all night in bed now and I’m going to have to look after the kids alone again all weekend (three weekends in August I’ve done this)

I feel like I’m just in a cycle of working and sleeping and house work and kids and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. We have no family support, they live hours away.

I’m a relatively high earner but pay a lot of tax and don’t get any child benefits. I know the tax credits/child benefits are for lower earners, I’m not complaining that I don’t qualify for them. Every month we’re deep into my overdraft, even sometimes over it including fees. Partly because we’re in debt, partly because I’m working long hours and don’t have time to cook, so we spend money of comvience food which I know is a waste.

Aside from conviencance food were frugal, and moved outside of London to be able to live off my wage alone, and I just feel like a total failure.

I’m not earning enough to properly support us, I’m not ‘enjoying’ spending time with my children as I’m so bloody knackered, and I’m just low and in a self pity spiral today which makes me hate myself even more as I’m very aware I’m so lucky and a lot of people are in much worst situations. Aside from the sickness bugs were healthy, we have a nice home, and I love and respect my DH.

Can someone slap me around the face?

Yours is a common feeling whilst you have under 5's.

Declutter your house. Get rid of things that you don't need and get your heads around living minimally. Get your storage right. Look at your spending.

Your DH should be able to run the house and cook. He hasn't got the added stress that most Women have of recovering from Birth/breastfeeding and getting used to hormonal contraceptive, again. He is physically fit, from the time he started Caring, that makes a huge difference. So does the lack of hormones and emotions.

My DH worked away from home and later on was ill and then died. The area that I live in is low income. I don't understand why one full-time-at-home Parent can't managed, tbh. I'm surrounded by people who do manage. They are the cleaners for other people (and equivalent min wage workers) and do their own,.

Start to eat really well. Get rid of the processed stuff and take multi Vitamins/Minerals. Lower your standards, it will just be for a year. Look at the long goal.

After every sickness bug, most of us want to sit sobbing in the corner

Him going to work, is going to put more pressure on all of you.

You do need a slap for your tax credit comments. I would put money on (if I had any) you not having a clue on that score.

We have a night out together next week but I think I’m going to have to cancel that as DD1 needs bigger clothes- just has a growth spurt.

Don't cancel - nights out are about more than spending money on food or drink. Go for a walk, watch the sunset. Visit an evening opening of a gallery or museum. Window shop! Treat the night out as rest and recuperation, rather than expensive social entertainment.

If one of you doesn’t work then the house should be reasonably tidy and meals should be cooked.
I’m not saying that being at home with a 1 year old and 4 year old is easy and leaves plenty of time for housework but I Dont t see why your H can’t do cleaning to a decent level and have a basic meal for when you get it. Soup, stews and other 1 pot meals can be started and then left while he gets on with other things and washing should I certainly be done.
You sound shattered OP, when I’ve been a SAHP I do 90. % of the cooking and cleaning and unless there’s a very good reason your DH should too

Try talking to your bank about your overdraft, you might find you can put it on a loan so you can have your account in credit without paying fees and just make one repayment each month. Most banks would help you on the phone with this so you don’t even need to go in.

No slap.

Sorry - but DH needs to step it up a bit. 35% is not enough share of chores, especially as SAHP.

I don't understand why your DH can't do more. I work part time and do 99% of the housework, 100% admin, the weekly shop and all the weekday childcare/clubs/play date organisation. I cook about 90% of the meals and do all the meal planning too. My children are older but I did all this and more when they were tiny. DH does the garden (a big job) and DIY (while working in a full time stressful job).

I agree that you need a hug, not a slap, but you also need to have a good look at the division of labour in your relationship.

I’m a sahp to 4 under 10 and manage to do all the housework, everything except diy. Your dh is not pulling his weight.

Your dh isn't doing enough . When my one year old was a screaming and teething I had him on my back in a sling whilst I made dinner everyday , did the laundry , vacuumed and dusted daily . There's no excuse .

You are doing most of the donkey work, no wonder you are exasperated.
You need a heart to heart, a lovely partner will listen. Do a proper budget, using bank statements to add up our outgoing. You may need to be ruthless.

Spa treatment? Really?!

I think you both need to be more organised. Sit down together and develop a schedule for the week. Take one day a week - Saturday or Sunday. And spend that day food shopping together, cleaning together, and batch cooking together. It might feel exhausting the first couple of weeks because you're not getting that day as a down day but as time goes on you'll be quicker and better at it, and it will free up more down time during the week to compensate.

Do you have a credit card? It can sometimes be cheaper to borrow on your credit card to clear your overdraft, then transfer the credit card debt to a 0% interest card. Some are offering 30 or even 36 months at 0% now.

However, don't do that if expenses are still exceeding income - it's only really viable when the overdraft charges are the thing that's tipping you into a debt cycle. The same applies to a debt consolidation loan.

Money worries are very draining, especially when you do a demanding job and still have no money because it's all going on servicing debt. I'm a big fan of budgetting, so you know exactly what you can afford to spend each month, it really helps (but only if you stick to it!).

I also think your DH sounds a bit disorganised if you're still having to do lots in the house as well as work full-time. Hopefully the baby will soon be less demanding and he will have a bit more time when the eldest starts school.

Get your DH a sling for the baby. One of the ones that can be worn on the back as well as the front. Saved my sanity. You can do almost anything and everything while still holding baby close. The sling I had worked up to 18kg I think almost 3 and I once carried my heavy and tall 4 year old in it when he was tired (on the back only). Back carrying is safer for housework and cooking. Brilliant for bonding too. It will enable him to get so much more done. That's how I did it! Vacuuming, laundry and cooking all done thanks to sling.

I've still got this one https://ergobaby.co.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrJz36dKZ3QIV77XtCh3bCQyIEAAYASAAEgJqvDD_BwE (dc are 8 and 12). There might be a sling library near you to try before you buy?

Your current situation is not working. How can you be working full time and also doing the majority of the housework?

If a man said he was working full time to support the family, coming home and doing 65% of the housework, his thread would be drowned in a chorus of "poor bloke"s.

It may be that you are just worn down after the repeated illnesses - but I bet your DH wasn't crying at the thought of cleaning the carpets. You are essentially carrying out two full time roles, no wonder you are knackered.

It sounds like your dp has got you to believe that you have an issue that you like a tidy house A clean house (clean up to a point) is important for your dc's well-being. It's a basic. And you rely on convenience food because you don't have time to cook? Why isn't your dp cooking? There are some really simple meals which can be cooked from scratch. You must be wasting a fortune on food alone.

Plus maybe your house needs masses of work doing to it but DIY is surely a very occasional small job?

I think you sounds like you have a serious dp problem, sorry.

Your DH appears to be pulling his weight to me. He’s looking after demanding 1 & 3 year olds all day, all three of them have had several bugs. He’s doing approximately 35% housework plus DIY etc. He’s also doing a lot of bath & bedtimes by himself. I’m not sure how people are coming to the conclusion he’s lazy and not pulling his weight. If a bloke posted what you have, he’d be handed his arse at a plate and told it’s his job to help when when he comes home!

Only YOU really know whether he’s doing all he can, or if he’s not, but as you have said, both your DD’s are ‘hard work’.

That initself is sometimes nature & sometimes nurture. Work together to get any nurture issues sorted out.

I feel for you, I really do. Sometimes life is just too much like hard work for BOTH parents when children are small, work is demanding, you’re ‘well paid’ but actually it’s not that fantastic after tax and plain just not enough after essentials.

The BEST thing you can do is be determined to be in this together. Talk TO each other, support each other - don’t make it a competition about who is the most exhausted or who does the most. Be open and honest about changes you need. Be loving, not hostile.

Definitely talk to work about a rise AND a bonus.

Have a good look at what needs doing around the house, a realistic talk about what each of you can achieve and prioritise a cleaner to deal with the rest, even if it’s only a couple of hours a fortnight to clean the bathroom/s, the kitchen & mop the floors. It’ll make a huge difference to your quality of life and marriage.

Try to sort the food situation out. Try to save a bit of money, also eat better quality food. I HATE cooking, I HATE the daily grind of it and could easily survive on cheese & crackers. But I try to find ways of eating/cooking that make it easier and quicker. For me, that’s a a big salad box in the fridge and a big veg box. Lots of salads, lots of steamed veg with simple protein. Some meals like lasagne, chilli etc that we have more than one night. Pasta pesto with peas when I really can’t be arsed.

Get some multi vitamins for all of you.

Prioritise getting your bedroom tidy and relaxing if it’s not.

Look after yourself and each other. It will get easier as the girls get a bit bigger, even in a years time it’ll be easier. Promise 🌷

it sounds like your DH is taking the piss.
No reason for the house to be a pit, if he's not 'doing it' at home maybe he'd be better off getting a job and paying to outsource the stuff he can't be bothered doing- might give him a bit more get up and go (and a break from the difficult 1yo)

I'm in a similar situation as DH is as SAHD. Money is not a massive issue, more like I expect him to do everything around the house. He does in principle, but doesn't notice things the same way that I do. We had a long chat about it and reached a compromise. DH is reasonable and I am not always, as I was beginning to hold him to higher standards than I could manage to stick to! I do like a tidy house though and I can't relax if it's not, so when people say "don't worry about the house" it's not that helpful.

before everyone leaps on the OP's husband, I'd ask you all to bear in mind these things

Whole family has had a sick bug and he currently has it
4 and 1 is a hard age and a hard age gap
Baby is, according to OP, difficult
It's the end of the summer break and Op's husband hasn't had the older one in preschool for 7 weeks
it is incredibly difficult to organise yourself with children that age

If OP was male and here feeling upset about what sounds like a hard time in their llives, the first response would NOT be to blame the stay at home parent! It's not automatically easier for men, just like it's not automatically harder for them.

OP, your life is very hard right now. In 3 years when they are both at school (and not trashing your house every day!) and your husband can afford to go back to work, you will be having a much much nicer time. Ride it out if you can. And try very hard to drop your standards a bit.

Also, convenience food doesn't have to be expensive. Some things naturally cook very quickly - eggs and fish etc - and it might help your stress levels to accept that weekday meals are boring and to splash a little on prep time at the weekend.

the OP has done 3 weekends in august single handed, worked FT, plus done 65% of the housework and any other additional stuff needed. Doesn't really sound fair does it?

He might do most of the DIY, but that is when it needs doing, so not as often as a lot of people make out.

Your DH needs to do more at home during the week. You shouldn't be doing 2/3rds of the home stuff if he's home with the children and you're working long hours. He should be doing that percentage, not you.

And if he's out at groups or outside a lot, especially in the nice weather, the house really shouldn't be that bad. Contain the bulk of the toys to a single room for play. Containment is key. Sticking in a load of laundry before you leave the house, and hanging/drying it when you get back works well, too. Just have to plan better.

I will add that I realise the DH has been unusually sick in August, but overall, 65% of the housework should not be falling on OP in 'normal' months.

Why can't your DH cook? Theres so many cheap nutritious meals that you can throw in a pot and walk away. Slow cookers for example. It's a bit different being sick but I think he needs to do a bit more. Especially if you're coming home from work and then having to clean.

My DH is fantastic, and we are a team. The kids are very exhausting, and being a SAHP is a thankless task, and I appreciate everything he does. When he’s on form I’d say he does more than 50% of what needs doing, and I tag team him in the morning and in the evening/weekends. But taking the rubbish out is his job and because he’s ill (he was throwing up last night so definitely not well) it’s still hanging around and falls to me to do, whilst juggling the kids, and housework etc.

Our balance I’m generally happy with, and actually 35% is probably a bit unfair. But things like meal-planning I often have to do, and I’m so mentally exhausted by work it’s not something I can dedicate time too. But, we’ve said we’re going to spend the first half hour of our evenings looking at our budget (we have one, it’s just out of date since we moved house in March, so bills etc are more and we need a firmer handle on it all) Were also going to meal plan together and have a few slow cooker things in our repitoire that he can chuck in quickly mid-week) Things like jacket potatoes with salad are cheap, healthy and the 4 year old likes them (that’s a whole different story ha ha!)

I think I’m going to look at the 0% credit card to get me back on a level playing field in my account and avoid fees, then slowly pay it off.

The thing we struggle with is treats- as I’m so stressed if we go to the shop to buy milk we also buy nice biscuits or wine or something to cheer us up, which adds up. Need more self control!