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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with my mother

49 replies

Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 20:03

Last month my partner and I experienced a CP. I was upset and text my sister to get my my mum to call me as she was staying at my sisters house overseas and that was the only way to get hold of mum. I asked her specifically not to tell my sister as she got pregnant the very first time she tried and we’re not close. Also she lacks empathy and I didn’t want to discuss it with her.
When I told mum she said “oh, ok. How is the cat?”. WTAF??!
Then when she got home mum told me I’d put her in a terrible position with my sister and she ‘had to’ tell her.
I’m furious but don’t know if I’m just being daft. Do I discuss this with mum or just let it slide?

OP posts:
HushAByeBaby · 31/08/2018 20:08

How did your conversation with your mum play out? Presumably she was offering you sympathy for what had happened and possibly your sister was in the room at the time. if you've then told her not to tell your sister, that could have been awkward for her. Still, she would have been better to say you'd asked her to keep the discussion between the two of you. She really shouldn't have told your sister. I can completely understand you being upset by this. Does your mum often act this way or is this a little out of character? If it's not her usual behaviour, I'd try to move past this. Sending Thanks to you OP. Hope you're coping as well as can be expected.

RebelRogue · 31/08/2018 20:10

Does she have form for this?

I get why you're cross about her telling your sister and that's fair enough, but the unsympathetic reply could be because your sister was in earshot. Not a lot of point to it though, considering she ended up telling her anyways.

ForeverJung · 31/08/2018 20:14

I am not on your Mum's side but I think the key to this could be learning to live with your sister's perception of you. She doesn't have much empathy you say but any woman who is not a stone cold robot would feel bad for another woman who suffered a loss. Your sister and you may not connect because of all the assumptions you hold about each other but your mother probably SEES both of you as having empathy!!
I do think it was probably difficult for her to hear something upsetting from you, and to be upset by it herself no doubt but to keep it secret from your sister for no reason that she can properly understand.

Original poster
Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 20:18

The conversation was me telling mum that I thought we were going to have good news for her for her birthday but that it hadn’t worked out and I’d had to go the hospital (drama queen that I am I thought I was going to die or something) and I wasn’t pregnant. She responded with the oh, ok, how’s the cat comment. Whole conversation was 2 mins and 3 seconds - I checked when I got off the phone because I felt it’d been quick and it was. She was trying to get me off the phone...
My OH says he doesn’t like how mum talks to me - she can be very critical and dismissive of me, but that’s who she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 20:24

Mum agrees about my sister....or says she does and has plenty more negatives to add about her. What she says about me to my sister I’d hate to think!

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 31/08/2018 20:26

In truth, whilst you might have been upset you weren’t pregnant, your mother was faced with a non-event. What was she meant to do? You said you’d hoped for good news but you weren’t pregnant so she probably thought “Oh. That’s not particularly interesting.” She May well have felt making a fuss over not being pregnant at first attempt might make it worse. To her it sounded like you had what in ourvday was called a late period. Nobody would even usually mention it unless they’d tried for months unsuccessfully.

I can’t see why you’d be furious, to be honest.

Original poster
Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 20:36

Wow. Just wow.

We’ve been trying for months and have had more than one CP. I was devastated and still am. I’m almost 40 and frightened it might never happen for me. But cheers for the supportive response..... 🙄

OP posts:
HushAByeBaby · 31/08/2018 20:37

OP, I hope you don't mind me asking and I apologise in advance if this is insensitive of me or hurtful to you in any way. Were you pregnant to begin with or did you just think you might be? What exactly happened? Only asking as I'm a little bit confused.

HushAByeBaby · 31/08/2018 20:37

Sorry OP, cross post.

apostropheuse · 31/08/2018 20:40

What is a CP?

Original poster
Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 20:41

We had positive tests for a few days after being a week late then lots of pain and negative tests and then bleeding like fury (tmi...sorry!)

OP posts:
pictish · 31/08/2018 20:42

I don’t know what a CP is. So sorry. I have tried to fathom it out but I can’t. Can anyone enlighten me?

Furiosa · 31/08/2018 20:43

Flowers Take good care of yourself Lilfabet.

BellyDancer124 · 31/08/2018 20:43

What’s a CF I’m lost

sizeofalentil · 31/08/2018 20:44

@apostropheuse chemical pregnancy was my guess, but also unsure…

Oly5 · 31/08/2018 20:44

I am so sorry for your CP but I think you’re projecting your hurt and anger onto your mum. You DID put her in a difficult position.. you asked your sister to get her to call you but the said she was forbidden from telling your sister what it was about. That is putting her in a difficult position.
This isn’t your mum’s fault. I’m sorry you’ve had a disappointment like this but I’m not sure what you expect your mum to do really

Oly5 · 31/08/2018 20:45

Yes she means chemical
Pregnancy

Ohyesiam · 31/08/2018 20:46

What’s a cp?

apostropheuse · 31/08/2018 20:47

Oh I see, thanks.

Allthewaves · 31/08/2018 20:47

Well your mum could have panicked and not processed it hence the cat comment. Then perhaps she was upset and needed your sister to comfort her?

WorraLiberty · 31/08/2018 20:48

I had no idea what a CP was either.

Having just googled 'chemical pregnancy', I can understand that you must be awfully upset/disappointed OP.

I'm not 100% sure you shouldn't cut your mum some slack though, as perhaps she (like many other people) just views it as a late period?

Still upsetting for you though Thanks

Ohyesiam · 31/08/2018 20:49

Oh, I see , I wouldn’t have asked, but even wiki drew a blank.

I think your mum was monumentally unsympathetic. Even if your sister was present she could have left the room,or made another time to talk to you.

WhiteVixen · 31/08/2018 20:51

CP is a chemical pregnancy. So you might be late for your period and get a positive test, but then your body absorbs it, you start your period and tests are negative. Back in the olden days before such sensitive Home pregnancy tests, women wouldn't have even known they were pregnant, it would have just been a late period. But now you can potentially test from as little as 10 days past ovulation, and get a positive result if you've got one of the really sensitive tests. Normally you need to be at least 14 days past ovulation to have enough of the pregnancy hormones present to get a positive test result.

OP - sorry for your situation. We've been trying to conceive our second child for about three years now, with no success. I understand how emotional the process is. I seem to think though that this is indicative of your relationship with your mother? Maybe you will never be able to get the support from her that you want.

Gersemi · 31/08/2018 20:51

Couldn't the question about the cat have been her attempt to avoid letting on to your sister what you were telling her?

Stickybunfighting · 31/08/2018 20:51

But surely if you asked your sister to get your mum to call you and she did within earshot of your sister and you said 'Don't tell Jane but we thought we'd have good news to tell you but we don't, I'm going to the hospital, I'm not pregnant' what else could she have said? And what could she have told your sister when she inevitably asked what was going on? I'm sorry you're not pregnant and that's hard but how did you want your mum to deal with it?

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